Bronx & Beans

There's a headline on Newsday.com's sports page that is so remarkably unbelievable, I had to quadruple check the information across four other Internet sites.

They all confirmed.

In the Internet news world, stories and headlines changed too often, so I took a screengrab of the site just in case you don't believe it. Check it out:

That's my Farnsie! He's ready for Papi, Manny, Peds, Tek and those other chowder heads. We knew it all along that Farnsie had it in him to get three outs on 10 pitches without serving up any bombs in between.

Guess that vendor at Yankee Stadium looks pretty silly now after she scoffed at me when I asked her during opening week if she had any Farnsworth T-shirts for sale!

OK, by now, you're screaming "You're a whimpy flip-flopper, just like everyone else in sports media."

Relax, I still think Farnsie is only slightly more effective out of the bullpen than you or me, and I'm sure within 48 hours, we'll be orchestrating the first-ever fan buyout of a player's contract. But, it's right to give props where props are due. And in this one case, I'll lead the "Farn-Z! Farn-Z!" chant around River Avenue if you want.

I went to bed Sunday night believing the Yankees lost, 7-5, but knowing it was probably worse than that.

See, I have one simple rule in life: When Kyle Farnsworth enters the game, I turn off the television. It has made my life a much less stressful one. Apparently, I can look away at NASCAR crashes.

Turns out he only gave up one run on two hits in one inning, making his stint slightly more successful than that of Mike Timlin, Boston's answer to Farnsie.

As of 11:02 a.m. Monday, I still am in shock that no one has put Farnsie up for auction on eBay.

We here in Bronx & Beans are of the mindset that Yankee Stadium and all other AL ballparks (and those NL yards the Yanks will play in this season) should play Daddy Yankee's reggaeton hit "Gasolina" every time Farnsie enters the game. Why? Because Farnsie throws gas, he's expensive and everyone blows up when he comes in the game.

- La Monica

A few posts ago, Bean Whittle wrote about seeing Kyle Farnsworth and the rest of his pals in the Yankee bullpen at the Stadium on the first Friday night of the season.

While Bean Whittle was in the upper deck for that game, Bronx La Monica and Campus Confidential were enjoying the view from the front row along the right-field line.

Before the game started, I stated one simple rule about coming to games involving the current roster: "When Kyle Farnsworth enters the game, we leave."

Agreed.

But after Girardi made the move to Farnsworth's understudy, LaTroy Hawkins, things got interesting. Hawkins gave up 17 runs in less than two minutes. The only thing left for Girardi was to bring in "Firewater Farnsie." The only thing left for us was to sit and watch the massacre. Kind of like when a tiger tears about a baby animal on the Discovery Channel. It's impossible to turn away.

The guy sitting behind me asked the over/under on how many Rays would score while Farnsworth was on the mound. He set it at 2. I took the over. No-brainer.

I then suggested the better prop bet is how many pitches it will take for "Firewater Farnsie" to give up a bomb. The guy set that over/under at 12. I took the under. Again, no-brainer.

This poor fan would never make it in Vegas, because Farnsie's fourth pitch ended up in the right-field stands for a three-run homer.

The Yankees may have gotten smoked by those scrappy Rays, but at least I won my in-stadium parlay.

- La Monica

Me and a couple of fellow Yankee-haters braved the Cross-Bronx Expressway on Friday to check out the Rays and Yankees. After paying the approximately $7,000 it costs for three guys to sit in the upper deck at the 161st Street Theater, we were treating to an epic thumping of the Yanks by Carlos Pena and company.

The average simian Yankee fan analyzes the game as such: "Dis friggin' stinks!" But the more cerebral Sox fan sees a more nuanced story: the Yankees' middle relief is abominable.

Don't get me wrong, Joba brings the heat and Mo is Mo. But LaTroy Hawkins? He put up an obscene line on Friday (2/3 of an inning, 6 ER's, 0 K's) and has done very little in his 14 year career that would suggest he can pitch in the American League. Even his solid ERA last year (3.42 in Colorado) is largely illusory - batters still hit him at a .286 clip. And we all know the sordid history of pitchers named Hawkins at Yankee stadium.

The rest of the group isn't much more encouraging. Kyle Farnsworth is a headcase. Brian Bruney couldn't find the strike zone with a map and compass (1.65 career WHIP). The rest of the bullpen mix is largely untested. As one beer-sodden gentleman put it on Friday night, "John Abahabala? Who the (expletive) is this?" (I think he was trying to say Jonathan Albaladejo, who was later optioned to Triple A.)

Bottom line: with young starters like Kennedy and Hughes and an aging horse in Mussina, the Yanks are going to need a couple of relievers to carry them through the sixth and seventh innings.

All in all, the Yanks bullpen looks sickly - maybe they've been spending a little too much time at one of those terrific restaurants near the Stadium.

--Whittle