Bronx & Beans

The day is upon us: weighing in at 230 pounds, hailing from parts unknown (or maybe Lincoln, Nebraska), Joba Chamberlain - starter.

Joba will take the ball Tuesday at the soon-to-be-wrecking-balled Stadium. He'll be limited by a 65-70 pitch limit, which means he can't possibly do as much damage as the guy whose spot he poached, Ian Kennedy (0-3, 7.41 ERA, less than 5 IP/start). (Well, technically, Kennedy is on the DL.)

Through 20 outings, Joba has been quite good, but not as unhittable as the Godzilla-like missile chucker who captivated the baseball world in 2007. Peep the stats:

'07 missile chucker: 19 G, 2-0, 1 ER (a Mike Lowell jack), 0.38 ERA, 0.75 WHIP.
'08 pretty good dude: 20 G, 1-2, 2.28 ERA, 1.141 WHIP.

Yankees fans and the media are framing Joba-as-starter as the '08 Bombers' equivalent of Skywalker's one shot into the Death Star before it destroys the rebel base. In other words, either a) Joba dominates and helps right the Yankee ship or b) Joba doesn't get it done and the S.S. Girardi goes careening off into space. Here are the official Bronx and Beans potential outcomes:

1. Joba terrorizes American League hitters, becomes an international media sensation, dates Madonna, changes his name to J-Chizzy and fireballs the Yankees into the World Series, where he wins Game 7 in the final game at Yankee Stadium, where the whole crowd goes "Joba!!! Joba!!!" and a bald eagle lands on the flagpole and sheds a single tear.

Likelihood: Not very. First of all, bald eagles are very uncommon in urban areas (a Peregrine falcon would be much for likely). Also, one great pitcher isn't enough to carry a team to a World Series (see the 2005 Marlins and Dontrelle Willis). Check the rest of the Yanks staff: Mussina and Pettitte are a zillion years old, Ian Kennedy looks worse than Patrick J. Kennedy, Phil Hughes is hurt, Darrell Rasner is still Darrell Rasner. And no matter how well Joba pitchers, somebody has to catch fly balls in the outfield, and those two statues named Damon and Matsui aren't getting it done.

2. Joba reverts into a League-Average-Inning-Muncher to rival Danny Darwin before getting hurt and shut down for the season, the Yankees stay in the A.L. East cellar and make deadline deals out of Giambi, Abreu, Jeter, A-Rod, John Sterling, Bob Shepherd and the stadium facade, 8,000 people show up for the stadium's final game against division-leading Baltimore, and a lonely old man in Section 28 sighs aloud, "None of this would've happened if Joba was the real deal" and begins to cry.

Likelihood: Not very. Joba's gonna be fine - more likely excellent. And even if he's mediocre, the Yankees have more firepower than Dick Cheney's hunting trips. Despite the .500 start, no team with those bats can languish for too long.

3. Joba is pretty darn good and the Yankees turn out to be pretty darn good. They win more than 90 games for the 5,897,239,085,729,038,475,298,357,328,905th straight year and contend for a pennant.

Likelihood: Pretty much 99.9 percent. Joba is the real deal: he throws hard, he has mound presence, and the Yankees are taking a step-by-step approach toward getting him into the rotation. Fear not Pinstripers: your Joba has arrived.

--Whittle