Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

The 16-0 New England Patriots begin their playoffs and their run toward the dream 19-0 season. While everyone is ready to give them the Lombardi Trophy -- except Don Shula and Co. -- I'll take the opposite view and say they won't do it, if for no other reason than to be different.

Here are three reasons why:

1) Brian Billick

He coached the Ravens, allowed his staff to call timeout as his team stopped Tom Brady because the defense -- and the entire world -- knew he was going to run the QB sneak on fourth-and-1, then proceeded to lose a game they had in their pocket. After the Ravens' 5-11 season ended, he was fired. None of the teams left in the playoffs has hired him since.

2) An exhausted rule book

They already used the tuck rule, had the rules for defensive backs changed and then still videotape opponents' defensive signals. How many more obscure rules and or detail-oriented referees are left for the Patriots to capitalize on in the playoffs?

3) Halle Berry

Way, way back in the infant stages of Keyboard Quarterbacks, we wrote about the Halle Berry Syndrome, which in basic terms states that the hotter the wife or girlfriend is, the worse the athlete becomes. Click that link above for an in-depth history of athletes who succumbed to HBS. Or just call Tony Romo, whose two worst games of his career came when lady friends Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson were in attendance.

So let's look at Tom Brady's history: Birdget Moynahan, with whom he has a child (whose initials are J.E.T.); Gisele Bundchen, the supermodel and widely considered to be the hottest woman on the planet.

And where is the mighty fall from the top? It hasn't happened yet. Some say that rocks the HBS to its foundation. Others say it's the exception that proves the rule. I say it's karma waiting to happen!

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By Mark La Monica

Scott Boras announced during Game 4 of the World Series that A-Rod would be opting out of the final three years of his contract with the Yankees.

Hate him if you wish for blowing all that smoke during the season about how he loves New York. Hate him for losing his bat in the Yankee lineup. Or love him for leaving. It's your choice. But here are three reasons Alex Rodriguez made the right decision.

1) Personal peace

A-Rod gets killed in the New York media. Newspaper, Internet, TV stations, radio stations, everything. The guy tries to enjoy Central Park with his wife and child a few hours before he has to be at the ballpark, does it without a shirt on, and because he's only hitting .280 at the time, the New York tabloids hammer him.

He's the only professional baseball player to enjoy the company of a woman that's not his wife and get it plastered on the front and back covers of every newspaper in town. You really think A-Rod is the only player on the Yankees, the Mets or in baseball that goes out on the town with other women when they're on the road?

It was only a matter of time before he let his alarm clock snooze three times and his neighbor calls the police on him.

No one needs that kind of regular abuse, regardless of how much money he or she gets paid to play a game. In every other aspect of life, there's a hotline people can call to report such acts of violence and hatred.

2) Carpe diem . . . squared

By opting out, A-Rod can negotiate another monster contract at the peak of his career. Coming off a huge year (.314, 54 HR, 156 RBI, 143 R, 24 SB), A-Rod has an overzealous owner's checkbook at his feet. Becoming a free agent at age 32 instead of 35, he's more likely to receive a longer-term deal. Teams would be slightly more hesistant to throw an eight-year deal that ends at age 43 instead of 40.

So, why not try to max out while he can? We all would do the same thing in our jobs. The only difference is $5,000 means a heck of a lot more to us than $5 million does to him. But still, go for yours. Like Johnny Depp said in the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie: "Take what you can, give nothing back."

3) Derek Jeter

A-Rod is not Derek Jeter. In any other city, that's not a problem. But New York is Jeter's city. A-Rod faced the inevitable questions, scrutiny and comments about sharing a uniform, a left side of the infield and a city with the Yankees' captain. Damn that pesky Esquire magazine interview where A-Rod took a shot at Jeter.

Whichever team he goes to, he won't have to deal with that kind of stuff on a daily basis. No one in Chicago would care that A-Rod was once traded for Alfonso Soriano. No one in Boston would care about that slap of Bronson Arroyo's glove or the Jason Varitek scrap. (Imagine a 3-4-5 of Big Papi, Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez.) Angels fans wouldn't get too grumpy over A-Rod's double play to end any rally hopes in the 2005 ALDS.

Once he withstands the negative reaction in New York to his decision and the inevitable PR backlash from his next megadeal, he can just go and be A-Rod. You know, that guy that gets paid like Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal did. Of course, those guys won championships.

By Mark La Monica

That Yankee post-game presser with Joe Torre was pretty sad. Torre, to his credit as a class act, didn't entertain any questions before he had the chance to give the proverbial albeit metaphoric tipping of the cap to Cleveland for smoking his Yankees in four games.

After that, the questions and answers took on an ominous and reflective tone. Who knows what will happen in the next few days? The Boss may stick to his claim from Saturday night that if the Yanks lose the ALDS, Torre won't return. He's perfectly within his right to not re-sign Torre after 12 seasons as Yankees skipper. Or, Steinbrenner may give him one more shot. Again, no one really knows for sure.

In the past few years, Yankees fans have been like Radio Rahim's four-finger rings from "Do The Right Thing" when it came to their opinions on Joe Torre as skipper. It was either love or hate. Again, they're all perfectly within their right to feel as they feel.

But, in this week's edition of "Three Reasons," we've come up with three reasons to always love Joe Torre's tenure as Yankees manager, regardless of what may occur in the next few days.

1) The Ultimate New Yorker

He was a Brooklyn boy, born and raised. He came to New York with little more than a reputation as an average manager at best (894-1,003 record, .471). Who could forget the "Clueless Joe" back page cover of the Daily News the day after Steinbrenner hired him after the 1995 season? How did Torre respond? By bringing the city its first World Series parade in 18 years. Then, for fun, he did it three more times in the next four seasons.

A dozen straight years in the postseason ain't too shabby either (1,173-767, .605). Of course, the talent and resources didn't hurt either. Torre came to New York perceived as a retread manager. He'll leave New York, whenever that is, as an icon. And he's immediately employable by any team he wishes. It's the quintessential New York story of making it here, then making it anywhere.

2) A mostly clean dozen

Torre managed in New York, for the Yankees, for George Steinbrenner, for 12 years. That's impressive and worthy of praise, regardless of what you think of Joe's recent postseason troubles. Sure, he had his run-ins (or was it more George having his run-ins), but to last that long under the Boss is record-setting.

3) "Uncle Joey"

Torre is Italian. As is La Russa, Bowa and Girardi. But only Torre has that "Uncle Joey" quality, that ability to appear as an everyman to the working-class fan. Basically, if you saw Torre sitting in a diner, Yankee fan or not, you'd want to send him a few black-and-white cookies and a glass of Bigelow green tea. You'd then want to go ask him for advice about your personal life. You'd then follow that advice and start most sentences with "It's like Joe Torre told me when I asked him what to do about this girl that I like." He's our "Uncle Joey."

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By Mark La Monica

Here we go with the debut of Three Reasons, a new weekly feature here in Keyboard Quarterbacks.

The Oakland Raiders are 2-2 and in a three-way tie for first place in the four-team AFC West division. However, they are the only team in the division to have scored more points than they've allowed, a rarity in Oakland of late.

Three reasons why the Raiders can win the AFC West this season:

1) Norv Turner

Who else can take a 14-2 team from one season ago, return 20 of 22 starters and turn them into a three-loss team within four games? The San Diego Chargers head coach is that bad at head coaching! He proved it from 1994-2000 with the Redskins and cemeted his inability to head coach with Oakland from 2004-05, in the process amassing a 58-82-1 record coming into this season.

2) Jay Cutler

He's not exactly the second coming of John Elway, at least not yet. Probably not even Ron Elway or Don Elway. But he's just a second-year quarterback with Denver, so this is probably the best season for the Raiders to strike.

3) Herman Edwards

You have to love Herm's motivational abilities and his quirky, kooky, amusing mannerisms. (Hello????)

You have to not love Herm's desire/ability to make sure he always coaches his team with the philosophy that having a chance to win the game late in the fourth quarter is all you can ask for. It's an interesting theory, but sometimes you might want your team, be it the Jets, Chiefs or his next team, to have a game in hand before the start of the fourth quarter. Especially when time management is an issue.