Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

This week's short list of sports figures who, if we operated in a meritocracy, would be forced to return a portion of their game checks for sub-par performances.

1) Patrick Crayton

Yes, we gave the Cowboys receiver props on Monday, but when you talk such smack during the week, then produce a three-catch, 27-yard day plus two key drops in a loss, that screams for a non tax-exempt deduction from the final paycheck.

2) Peyton Manning

Two picks in the red zone in the playoffs is bad enough, but to do it and allow a Norv Turner-coached team to reach the AFC Championship is Ray Finkle-esque.

3) Jacksonville Jaguars

They blitzed 0.02 times against the Patriots, thus allowing Tom Brady enough time on each pass play to go through all his reads, transfer money into his ING Orange account, buy a Steve Grogan game-worn jersey on e-Bay, get new license plates from the DMV and feed his baby boy who lives in California all before actually throwing and completing a pass 27 of 28 times. I understand the Patriots are talented on offense, but at least try to blitz maybe once or twice.

Paybacks appears every Tuesday afternoon. Email your nominees throughout the week.

By Mark La Monica

This week's short list of sports figures who, if we operated in a meritocracy, would be forced to return a portion of their game checks for sub-par performances.

1) Bob Stoops

He coaches Oklahoma into a BCS bowl game nearly every year. And then he coaches them right out of the BCS bowl game nearly every year. Four BCS bowl games in a row, four losses in a row, this time to a West Virginia team that lost its coach a few weeks ago. Seriously, Stoops, you need to try something different next year.

2) Ronde Barber

We always enjoy and appreciate when athletes say substantive things. They are a rarity these days. But when you say "Of course we want to play the Giants," you need to make sure you beat the Giants. Final score: Giants 24, Ronde's Bucs 14.

3) Tyrone Carter

With eight years of NFL experience, you'd think the Steelers cornerback would know how to not to freeze up and make an awful attempt at a tackle when a quarterback comes running at him. His initial attempt to stop Jaguars QB David Garrard on that fourth-and-2 play of the game late in the fourth quarter was just plain awful. It gave Garrard an extra 17 yards and made the field goal attempt that much easier for Jacksonville.

4) Mike Wallace

So much for hard-hitting journalism. Wallace let Roger Clemens off the hook in the "60 Minutes" interview when it came to the Andy Pettitte situation. He needed to follow up, not just do a voiceover and then let it go when Clemens said he was shocked at the Pettitte news. Wallace is better than that, or at least he used to be.

Paybacks appears every Tuesday afternoon. Read previous editions of Paybacks.

By Mark La Monica

This week's short list of sports figures who, if we operated in a meritocracy, would be forced to return a portion of their game checks for sub-par performances.

1) Matt Stover

Stover, the second most accurate kicker in NFL history entering this season, missed a 44-yard field goal attempt in overtime that would have given the Ravens the win. Rather, it led to the Ravens losing to Miami, which, oh yeah, hadn't won a game the entire season.

2) WNBC.com

WNBC "leaked" the list of players named in the Mitchell Report about half an hour before the report was distributed to the masses. A nice scoop for them . . . had they been right. Their list included Albert Pujols, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Varitek, the Boone brothers and more. MLB disputed their list, yet WNBC.com published it anyway with a pargraph that said they were looking into MLB's objections. Oopsies, don't let a pesky thing like accuracy get in the way of publishing a story.

3) Eric Mangini and Brian Schottenheimer

The head coach and offensive coordinator of the Jets continue to line up Brad Smith at quarterback. They appear to be the only people in football America that don't realize that means a running play is about to happen. Why not just tell the opposing coach your game plan the night before? Maybe then the Jets won't be the most predictable offense in the league.

Paybacks, which appears every Tuesday afternoon, will return Jan. 8, 2008. (Hey, I'm on vacation.)

Read previous editions of Paybacks.

By Mark La Monica

This week's short list of sports figures who, if we operated in a meritocracy, would be forced to return a portion of their game checks for sub-par performances.

1) Eric Mangini

Quick review: 1:45 left on the clock, Jets at the Browns' 20-yard line, down by 5, all three timeouts left. Mangini elects to kick a field goal. Dumb move. Made even dumber by not kicking deep after that. Seriously? We're still baffled by this. Give up your parking space for the week.

2) Brian Billick

Timeout? Really? No, seriously? Did you and your staff really call timeout after your defense stopped Tom Brady and would have ended all the undefeated Patriots talk. Yep, you did. I just Googled it to confirm because I'm still flabbergasted over that one. Everyone in America knew the QB sneak was coming except for you and your coaches.

3) Anthony Smith

Anthony, we love your enthusiasm and the onions it took to make that guarantee. But you gotta back that up if you wanna work your way off Paybacks and onto Props. Or at least don't bite that bad, that many times on Tom Brady's playfakes.

4) Isiah Thomas

Hmmm, what should we pin on him this week? Ah, yes, getting smoked at home by Philadelphia Sixers and Andre Iguodala, the NBA's answer to Quincy Carter as the human turnover.

Read previous installments of Paybacks

By Mark La Monica

This week's short list of sports figures who, if we operated in a meritocracy, would be forced to return a portion of their game checks for sub-par performances.

1) Rich Rodriguez

With nothing to do but beat an extremely inferior team in order to secure a berth in the national championship game, West Virginia crumbled like a cookie dunked in a milk for a few too many seconds. How did Rodriguez, the Mountaineers' head coach, let that happen? It's "Jessica Biel is sitting next to me right now and I'm blogging instead" unfathomable to imagine how West Virginia, begging for legitimacy in an overhyped Big East conference, could tank it like this. Coach Rodriguez should have to make his own car payments for a few months and the players should have to give back their meal plan money next semester.

2) Cam Cameron

This has nothing to do with leading the Dolphins to an 0-12 start to the season, and everything to do with letting the Jets hang 40 points on his team. That's just plain awful. In their previous four games this season, the Jets had amassed a total of 45 points. Cam Cameron is making Tony D'Amato look like a genius.

3) Isiah Thomas

The Knicks coach/GM/team president may earn a permanent spot on this list, sort of like how Norm always sat on the same stool in "Cheers." This time, Isiah should throw a few bucks back to Jimmy Dolan for that 45-point loss/embarrassment to the Celtics. It would have been even worse had Nate Robinson not hit a half-court three at the buzzer.

4) Omar Minaya

Since the media soured on Lastings Milledge this past season, few people raised a stink when Mets GM traded the five-tool prospect for the equivalent of dinner for four at Cipriani's and a year's subscription to Esquire, GQ, ESPN.com Insider and Entertainment Weekly. Consider who Minaya got in return for the most hyped Met prospect in years: Brian Schneider and Ryan Church. Consider who Minaya could have had if he decided he didn't like Milledge before this season: Manny Ramirez, Dan Haren or Dontrelle Willis.

Note: Any other week, Joe Gibbs would top the list for turning the Bills' game-winning 51-yard field goal into a 36-yarder by calling a second timeout. However, Gibbs gets a pass this week because of Sean Taylor.

Send us your nominees this week for next week's edition.

Paybacks appears every Tuesday. Read previous editions of Paybacks.

By Mark La Monica

"They're all overpaid."

"They get paid millions to play a kid's game."

"This guy is making $900 million to hit a field goal and he does that?"

There, we've just about crystallized all the typical cliches used by angered fans about their underperforming athletes.

With the exception of football, all those players live under the umbrella of guaranteed contracts, so all the in-stadium ranting and talk-radio raving you do accomplishes nothing. Sad, but true.

But what if? What if we lived in a world of meritocracy? What if we lived in a world where athletes who elevate their underperformance to artful levels, or just simply take a dump in their pants at a time when their teams need them most, had to pony up some of their paycheck for the day?

What if we had paybacks? Well, now we do. Here at Keyboard Quarterbacks, we've just created a weekly feature called Paybacks. Even though we're debuting this column on a Monday, in the future, Paybacks will appear every Tuesday afternoon.

1) Eli Manning

Just when you thought the media's recanting of a game two years ago was the epitome of useful filler, the Giants quarterback proved the media aren't always wrong. He threw four interceptions, three of which were returned for touchdowns by the Vikings, two of which came three plays apart in the fourth quarter of a 41-17 loss. Give back some of that DirecTV commercial money, Eli.

2) Herm Edwards

Never revered for his clock-management skills late in the game, but always lauded for his ability to go for a field goal, the Kansas City Chiefs coach baffled even the biggest anti-Herms out there. With 4:262 left in the fourth, his Chiefs trailing the hated Raiders 20-17, Edwards called a timeout to discuss a fourth-and-1 at the Oakland 23. No problems, there. Then, after the timeout, he challenged the spot on the previous play, a catch by Eddie Kenison. He lost the challenge. Not the worst move. Here comes the debit: the field-goal loving Edwards chose to go for it rather than attempt a 40-yard field goal for the tie. Throw some of the NFL Shop fashion show commercial money to a local charity, Herm. You love field goals. Why would you do that?

3) Gus Frerotte

His Rams are trailing the Seahawks, 24-19, when he gets the ball at his 42-yard line with 2:44 left to play. Frerotte leads the Rams down to the Seattle 1-yard line with 30 seconds left. On fourth down, Frerotte . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . fumbles the snap!

During the week, email us your nominees for next week's edition of Paybacks.