Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

Rather than look back at the two previous midfield greetings after the Jets-Patriots games this season, let's look forward to this Sunday. Here are the Keyboard Quarterbacks' nine suggestions for how Mangini should deal with the postgame handshake if the Jets win, followed by nine suggestions should the Jets not win.

Top 9 handshake ideas for Mangini after a Jets win

1) Punch Belichick in the face and stand over him like Muhammad Ali did to Sonny Liston.

2) Put one of those buzzers in his hand and shock Belichick into a pulse.

3) "Hey, Bill. Nice game. Love the sweatshirt. Maybe I'll wear one next week. Tune in to Channel 2 and watch."

4) Stinkhand him, a la "Mallrats."

5) Be cordial and professional and go on your way.

6) The dead fish.

7) Extend a hand and pull it away just as Belichick goes for it, then yell "Psych!"

8) Moon Belichick.

9) "Bill, don't you wish you could be the HC of the NYJ right now?"

Top 9 handshake ideas for Mangini after a Jets non-win

1) Punch Belichick in the face and stand over him like Muhammad Ali did to Sonny Liston.

2) Extend the left hand instead and force Belichick to make either an awkward grip with his right hand or use his left hand to shake.

3) Throw the challenge flag at him.

4) Stinkhand him, a la "Mallrats."

5) "Bill, the guys in the booth said you smiled in the second quarter. Why don't you like me anymore?"

6) Talk to Belichick for as long as possible just to keep him on the field.

7) Shake Tom Brady's hand instead.

8) Moon Belichick.

9) Be respectful and professional and yada, yada, yada.

By Mark La Monica

We can go to a convenience store and decide which type of soda we want to buy. We can name our own prices for airline tickets and hotel rooms. We can watch a television show on our computer.

But for the love of Pete, why can't we order the "Ed Hochuli plan" on DirecTV? Seems to me the NFL is missing out on a brilliant marketing plan.

Hochuli is the most jacked referee in pro sports. This dude is 6-1, 215 pounds. All muscle. Forget Ed Hochuli. He's Ed Hercules!

This past January, Sports Illustrated detailed Hochuli's workout regimen. You'll simultaneously feel more manly and more of a weakling reading it.

This is Hochuli's 17th season as an NFL official. He's one of the best there is, and his lengthy explanations on penalties are informative for fans in and out of the stadium. He also happens to be a lawyer. A bona fide Hercules of the brain, too.

Seriously, don't you get a little more fired up for an NFL game when Hochuli is on the call. He makes fans watching at home root for penalties.

"We always used to get together and watch the games, and then we noticed this hunky, buff referee on the field," said Jessica McCartney in a telephone interview with the Keyboard Quarterbacks. "We kept watching for any game Ed Hochuli was reffing."

McCartney, who lives in Chicago, took her Hochuli crush a step further and created whatwouldedhochulido.com. The Web site began as a place to sell Hochuli T-shirts but has now in its second season grown to include all this Hochuli.

And if you're looking for a gift for that football fan who has everything already, take a look at these little Ed Hochuli treats. T-shirts, sweatshirts, mugs and more.

"I always used to pose that question when we were deciding where to go or what to do," McCartney said. "What would Ed Hochuli do? It's is a nice little side business."

McCartney estimated she makes about $200 a month during the football season on Hochuli merchandise. And, yes, Ed knows about the site and the shirts. They exchanged e-mails when McCartney was trying to launch the site.

Other Hochuli sites exists, including edhochuli.com (just a URL that someone is trying to sell) and hochuli.net (a photo shrine to "NFL Ref No. 85")

Such is the power of Hochuli. If your team has a go-ahead touchdown called back because of a leg whip, Hochuli makes the pain easier to withstand because you know it was the right call. Plus, how can you argue with a guy who could beat up half the players on the field?

"The thing about him is he takes the time to really explain the penalty to the point where he almost sounds like he's criticizing the other team," McCartney said.

The NFL doesn't release the schedules for its referees, which is probably a smart thing. You just never know what a crazy NFL fan would do. But if there were an Ed Hochuli programming package, would it really matter if you didn't know who was playing until the game started?

Imagine having this conversation on a Sunday morning:

"Hey, grab the fellas and come over for the game today."

"OK, cool. Wait, do you get the Ed Hochuli channel?"

"No."

"Yeah, forget it dude. I'm staying at home to watch Titans-Lions."

"But the Colts are playing the Patriots at 1 p.m. and you're a Manning fan."

"Sure, but c'mon. It's Ed friggin' Hochuli!"

By Mark La Monica

There's going to be some serious fist pumping going on in the Garden State for the next few days. We're talking lights-out, ligament-tearing, no-holds-barred fist pumping. No. 15 Rutgers won the biggest football game in its 140-year history on Thursday night, 28-25, over No. 3 Louisville.

Hospitals might want to overstaff their emergency rooms this weekend with ortho specialists. The state is expecting many tricep tears. Fans, no cure exists for Fist Pumper's Elbow, so please be careful.

This is the biggest news to come out of Jersey since Steve Wynn decided to build the Borgata Hotel and Casino a few years back.

Much props to RU. Many folks didn't think the Scarlet Knights were for real. Many folks were wrong.

Greg Schiano, leader of the Rutgers resurrection and renaissance, may just be the most powerful man in New Jersey right now. Here's your chance to decide. Below is the Jersey Juice list. Who's got the most? The link to the poll is below the list.

Greg Schiano

Tony Soprano

Jon Bon Jovi

Bruce Springsteen

The Moo
(NJGuido.com)

Adam Abramson explores what will happen to Rutgers after the big win in his Campus Confidential blog.

One stable boasts a champion in waiting. The other stable is full of financial champions and just a sprinkle of true champions.

So what would happen if George Steinbrenner, the 74-year-old owner of early Kentucky Derby favorite Bellamy Road and the underachieving New York Yankees, gets confused? What if he has a “senior moment” this week and starts barking out final-authority orders to the wrong people?

Some things we might see:

1) There he is, waiting on the final turn at Churchill Downs, Luis “Send ’em home” Sojo, waving Bellamy Road around to the finish line.
Anticipated result: Bellamy Road finishes out of the money, just like every Yankee runner that gets thrown out at the plate by 15 feet with Sojo coaching third.

2) No way? Way! Steinbrenner finally sends Kevin Brown out to posture.
Anticipated result: Brown winds up in your next bottle of Elmer’s glue.

3) Bellamy Road faltering at the finish line and Brian Cashman having to answer to the Boss.
Anticipated result: Steinbrenner buys the Derby winner and races him at the Preakness and Belmont Stakes.

4) Bellamy Road’s jockey makes a bad move and gets pinned in along the rail.
Anticipated result: The jockey gets dealt to the Newark Bears and is hit by a John Rocker fastball in the eighth inning. Before the end of the ninth inning, Rocker is signed by the Yankees.

5) New centerfielder Hideki Matsui makes three errors this week.
Anticipated result: (TURN ON BOB SHEPPARD VOICE) “Ladies and gentlemen. Batting second, playing centerfield, Bellamy Road.” (TURN OFF BOB SHEPPARD VOICE)

6) Bernie Williams does not play the rest of the week.
Anticipated result: Williams is put out to pasture.

Oops, that one already happened. My bad.

7) Bellamy Road jockey’s whipping mechanics get all out of whack.
Anticipated result: Organizational pitching guru Billy Connors is called in to fix the situation.
Anticipated ripple effect: Javier Vazquez and Jeff Weaver win big on a High Fly-Don’t Get Mad exacta.

8) Bellamy Road wins the Derby.
Anticipated result: “He’s a true Yankee.”

9) The Tampa office and New York office of the Yankees meet to hammer out issues.
Anticipated result: Nick Zito becomes the new pitching coach and Bob Baffert the new third-base coach. Joe Torre retires to wash the horses in the stable and Sojo becomes a rider.

10) Mariano Rivera blows an easy save on Saturday.
Anticipated result: Joe Pesci, reprising his scene from the movie "Easy Money," sprints onto the field and jumps on Rivera.