Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

SEATTLE -- Here's a simple question with a not-so-simple answer.

Q: What team does Allen Iverson play for?
A: Denver Nuggets.

In the present tense, that is correct. But in the past tense, 2001 to be precise, that cost me $50 million. See, I had time to kill last night here in the Emerald City. So I walked into some dive bar I (and most of the rest of the world, apparently) had never heard of before.

A quick glass of Coke and some bar games were all I was after. Ah, yes, the trivia machine. Time to test my skills at Zillionaire Sports, a sports trivia game modeled after the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" TV game show.

It seemed like an interesting way to pass the time. Nowhere did it mention that this trivia game was made in late 2000 and updated zero times since then. Haven't they heard of "Download Update Now" in the city that Microsoft and Nintendo call home?

The first clue came with this question: "Which tennis star is expecting a baby in 2001 with Steffi Graf?" Uh, yeah, that "expectactant baby" already had his own commercial with mom Steffi and dad Andre Agassi.

At this point, I had to revert back to 2000-2001 thinking. It's very easy to forget things that have happened in recent years, but quite difficult to force yourself to do it.

So even when the machine asks you what race Lance Armstrong has won "the past three years," you have to control your urge to scream out "Dude, it's 7 years in a row!" and just calmly select "Tour de France" if you want to continue playing.

This game did nothing to squash the New York mentality that the rest of America is light years behind the Big Apple.

But it did present an interesting challenge for a sports aficionado such as myself. Imagine having to erase your memory of everything you've seen and known about sports for the past seven years? Not easy. Eli Manning is still in high school. Tom Brady is still a backup. The Yankees get out of the first round of the playoffs. Marion Jones is the darling of the Olympics. BALCO isn't even on the landscape. People still have 30-pound cans of potatoes in their Y2K fallout shelters.

"Who has just been named NFL offensive player of the year?"

"Hmmm, tough call, and I refuse to pass or poll the 'audience' until I get to a hockey or NASCAR question. But, I believe the Rams were studs then, so I'll go with Marshall Faulk."

Boom, $1 million in my virtual pocket.

"What team does former NBA Rookie of the Year Allen Iverson play for?"

"Nuggets. No! wait! This is 2000. Sixers. Sixers, Sixe . . . . . . Damn!"

$50 million washed away. I feel so demoralized. This is almost as bad as losing a game of pickup basketball to Prince and the Revolution.

At least I made the top of the leaderboard with my performance. My name on the screen: Hello, 2008!

By Mark La Monica

This football, lies and videotape* scandal with the Patriots and Bill Belichick continues to develop. As such, we're dusting off an ancient Keyboard Quarterbacks ritual and applying one sport's ridiculousness to other sports.

It appears royally absurd that a three-time Super Bowl champion coach, recognized as the greatest coach of his era, would be part of this equation: sideline + video recording device + aimed at other team's sideline + wide open for anyone to see + most media-saturated professional sport + most media-saturated city = Caught in the act!

In honor of Billy KGB, here are other ways of cheating that we'd like to see sports people get caught for doing, if for no other reason than it would be really funny to hear and write headlines for:

• BASEBALL: In the sixth inning during warmups, Manny Ramirez sneaks over to the Yankees' bullpen door in left-centerfield at Yankee Stadium and krazy glues it shut so Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera can't get out.

• BASKETBALL: Isiah Thomas installs mini-GPS chips on the magnetic pieces of Gregg Popovich's play diagramming whiteboard so the Knicks can easily defend the Spurs in the last two minutes.

• BOXING: While one corner is shouting instructions to their fighter, a subversive element from the other corner sneaks over and cuts four inches off one of the legs of that fighter's chair, forcing him to sit in an awkward and uncomfortable position in between rounds.

• COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Before the Notre Dame game, Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr brings back DT Alan Branch, CB Leon Hall, DE LaMarr Woodley, LBs David Harris and Prescott Burgess, puts them in current players' jerseys and gives them the dark helmet visors so no one can tell who they are on the field.

• GOLF: Phil Mickelson's caddy, Jim "Bones" Mackay, replaces Tiger Woods' course notebook with a fake notebook that includes the wrong distances and layouts.

• HOCKEY: The equipment manager for the Los Angeles Kings equips his team's sweaters and helmets with squibs and "blood packs" from a nearby Hollywood studio to trick the referee's into calling more penalties on the other team.

• NASCAR: A renegade in Tony Stewart's pit crew sneaks over to Dale Earnhardt's pit and fills his reserve gas tanks with water instead of fuel.

• TENNIS: At the Australian Open in January, Andy Roddick commissions someone to hypnotize Roger Federer into believing that August and September don't exist in 2008, thereby evening the playing field for everyone at the U.S. Open.

By Mark La Monica

LeBron James entered this crazy geographical concept known as the greater New York metro area on Wednesday night. His Cleveland Cavaliers played the New Jersey Nets.

Kobe Bryant and his Los Angeles Lakers will do the same on Friday night.

And then on Sunday, across a parking lot or two from the Continental Airlines Arena, Reggie Bush and his New Orleans Saints will visit the New York Giants.

What a holiday week for New York area sports fans, even if those games technically occur in New Jersey.

These are athletes worth paying to see in person. Players who, when they come to your town, you know about it. Players who, if they light up the team you're rooting for, you really can't get mad at it. It's not about someone just being a great player. There are plenty of those. It's more than that.

To help put this into context, let's look at it from the other side. There's an old story about Joe DiMaggio where he was once asked why he was playing so hard in a game that meant nothing toward the end of the season. His response: "There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best."

This piece assumes the role of the kid.

Understanding that ticket prices and salaries are so far out of whack for the regular blue-collar fan to come to grips with, there are certain athletes that make you say, "Who cares if I paid $100 to sit behind the pole in the back row of loge? I got to watch him play live."

Not every team has such players. So check the schedule to see when one of these 14 players are coming to your town. If you're lucky, that'll still occur this season.

LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
No athlete in the past 20 years has entered a professional league with as much hype and as little comparable experience than LeBron James. And in his three-plus seasons, he's lived up to every bit of it. That in itself is a commendable accomplishment. Billed as the next Jordan (a concept that we like to think will exist but know will never happen), James is a triple-double threat every night. The real appeal though is watching a player match his hype. And his commercials are pretty funny, too.
Watch LeBron James highlights on YouTube

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
If you can separate yourself from those rape charges from a few years ago, of which Bryant was cleared of, then he remains the most exciting player in the game. If you can't separate the two, that's OK too. He's been more team-oriented this season, but on any night, Bryant is capable of dropping 50 on an opponent. Or 81. Such potential is what we crave as fans. We want to be in the stands the night he does it.
Watch Kobe Bryant's 81-point night last season

Allen Iverson, Denver Nuggets
The Answer is like Stallone in "Rocky III" when he starts yelling at Clubber Lang, "Hit me harder! C'mon, hit me harder!" (Yes, DeNiro did it in "Raging Bull" too.) For the past 11 seasons in Philadelphia, we watched Iverson hurl his 165 pounds all around the court with little concer for anything but hitting the shot and winning the game. Granted, he likely has pretty good health insurance. But the the lasting appeal of A.I. is that he always gets up. He embodies the concepts of "will" and "heart" that we love in our athletes.
Watch Iverson's career highlights on NBA.com

Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints
When the Saints get the ball, you want Deuce McAllister to remain on the sideline. You then want Drew Brees to give the ball to Bush. You then want Bush to run and fake out 43 defenders, make 12 cuts across the field, somersault over the back judge and then dive into the end zone for the touchdown. Every time he touches the ball, you get excited. Every time he doesn't touch the ball, you yell at the offensive coordinator.
YouTube videos: High School | College | NFL

Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers
He's old now. But, he's still the same gunslinger he always was, just with a slightly less strong arm (the NFL has banned use of the word "weak" in sentences referring to Favre) and fewer weapons around him. With Favre, it's more an appreciation for all the highlights he gave us the past 15 seasons. He'll take too many chances and he'll throw a lot of interceptions, but when he moves out of the pocket and starts pointing to his receivers and looking 40 yards down the field, you're hoping he doesn't get sacked.
Watch "The Legend of Favre" on NFL.com

LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers
Is he the best ever? Go watch him and decide for yourself. Even if he's not scoring four touchdowns a week, he makes every dollar you spend worth at least $1.50.
Watch LT videos on sandiegochargers.com

Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons
He may never be the NFL quarterback the experts and analysts want him to be and that's fine. He's more exciting this way. Who else can turn a 3-yard quarterback scramble into a 4-minute highlight and discussion on the NFL shows?
Watch video of Michael Vick from ESPN on YouTube

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens
He's just plain nasty on a football field. With all due respect to Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears, Lewis is the prototype middle linebacker. He's worth altering your maxiimum bid on eBay for tickets.
Watch Ray Lewis video from NFL Films

Jose Reyes, New York Mets
WithIn the first three pitches of a game, Reyes can wind up on third base. He'll single, steal second, then steal third. How many other baseball players can you say this about? Of course, he could also just hit another triple, the most exciting play in baseball next to the delayed double steal of home.
Watch Jose Reyes video on MLB.com

Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs
OK, so we can say that about one other baseball player. When Soriano steps to the plate, you have to respect his power and speed. If you're careful, he'll just single, steal second, then steal third. If you're not careful, the catcher is throwing you a new ball. But it's not just his power. It's the threat of speed, too.
Watch Alfonso Soriano video clips on MLB.com

Derek Jeter, New York Yankees
This is one of those "appreciation" situations. Jeter is widely recognized as a great player because of his "intangibles." His ability to lead, his calm demeanor, his ability to come through in the clutch. Not taking the opportunity to see him play now is like waiting for your favorite musical act to become a Vegas mainstay. There's just something wrong with that.
Watch Jeter go 5-for-5 in Game 1 of the 2006 ALDS at MLB.com.

Roger Clemens, free agent
He may not play this season, although no one really believes that. Whenever he comes to a stadium near you in 2007, go see him pitch. He's one of the five greatest pitchers of all time and you need to be able to tell your grandkids you witnessed that. Plus, he could retire at any time, so don't miss the opportunity if it's available.
Stand in the box against a Rocket fastball

Roger Federer, men's tennis
OK, so maybe tennis isn't the most popular sport in mainstream America, but this guy played in 17 tournaments last year and won 11 of them. In the six he lost, he lost five of them in the final. When one of the greatest players in the history of a sport comes to town, a true sports fan would find a way to admire such greatness in person.
Watch ESPN's Roger Federer yearbook

Arturo Gatti, boxing
As close as we'll ever to come to a real-life Rocky Balboa. Gatti fought wars in the ring. Too often in boxing, nothing happens during a fight. Just a whole lot of weak jabs and clenching before the referee steps in to break up the two fighters. Gatti fights come up with crazy flurries and plenty of action. And he can take a punch, which means the fight will usually last into the late rounds.
Watch highlights from the Gatti-Ward trilogy on YouTube.

Honorable mention: Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins; Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals; Barry Bonds*, San Francisco Giants; Vince Carter, New Jersey Nets; Shaquille O'Neal, Miami Heat; Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat; Terrell Owens, Dallas Cowboys.

Then use the comments tag below to share your thoughts.

By Mark La Monica

Somewhere out there in Sports America, there are intelligent people.

These people watch sports on television. These people see halftime interviews during games. These people realize these are the least informative bits of air time in the vast landscape of American television.

And that's saying something, what with the existence of reality shows, Bill O'Reilly and the rest of those people on Fox News.

The "get" -- journalism speak for landing the interview -- is not hard. It's contractual. Coaches have to stop and answer woeful, thought-provokeless questions. Ones such as, "Coach, what does your team have to do to win the game now?"

The coach will usually respond with something like, "Well, we're gonna have to score more points."

On occasion, the coach will let down his cliche guard and offer up a "They made a few big plays on us and we're gonna have to control that."

Gripping television, ain't it?

The idea of this reporting is to give the viewer more insight into the game. It's a way for networks to show the viewers that they can deliver something more than just the action on the field. But at what cost?

If you're going to give us something, make sure it's good enough to watch. Most sports fans are slightly askew when it comes to their fandom, but they know exactly what they want. They want to know everything they can about their teams. Halftime interviews don't help.

What do the TV execs think this adds to the broadcast? If anything, they detract from it.

If coaches were contractually obligated to say something of substance, then maybe we'd have something worth watching. Right now, we have something worth turning off before the commercials start. Perhaps the TV execs would like to know that.

Redskins coach Joe Gibbs got it right in 2004 when he asked Fox to skip his interview with Pam Oliver. He meant no disrespect but he nothing to say. The Redskins were leading the Buccaneers, 10-3, at the half of that game. They were in control the whole way.

"What am I going to say?" Gibbs asked then. "I've got 12 minutes to go in and help our football team. To stop and say something, I'm probably not going to make sense."

If only all the coaches could be as sensible.