Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

None of us can fix the Knicks, unless of course, James Dolan or one of his minions is a Keyboard Quarterbacks fan and reads this.

We doubt it, since if he had the time to read our little Web nook, then he has no excuse for presiding over the worst excuse for a New York sports team. At 4-11, the Knicks have the sixth worst record in the NBA. Of course, after a 748-point to Boston on Thursday night, it's a wonder the Knicks found four teams capable of scoring less points than them for a few hours.

However, here's an idea to make the Knicks infinitely more watchable on television. And the Dolan family, already cable television magnates, will be able to get behind this plan.

We all know about Walt "Clyde" Frazier's auspicious penchant for vocabularic flare and invention. He's been thriving and surviving (when he's not swooping and hooping) for years behind the microphone.

It's time to capitalize on it from a viewing standpoint instead of just impersonating his schtick with your friends or on calls to WFAN.

It's time for "Clyde TV."

Every time the omnipotent Clyde drops a word never before associated with the game of basketball, a little graphic pops up on the screen and gives a definition of the word.

Or, MSG could flash three different definitions and ask viewers to text their answer choice to "CLYDE." Viewers could then compete for prizes for most correct answers each game. Or do it online through MSG's Web site. This has remarkable potential in a time when the team does not. And should the Knicks ever resemble the teams of the early 1990s and win games, having this function in place already would greatly benefit the Dolans' pockets.

When Clyde throws out a word that is not a word outside of Clyde's World, a little "That's not a real word, just a 'Clydeism'" graphic could pop up onto the screen. Or they could ask the viewers to guess if it's a real word or not.

Seriously, this could be sports' answer to "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars."

It could revolutionize the way we watch the Knicks on Dolan's MSG Network. Heck, it could even make us watch the games, especially later in the season when the Knicks are fighting for the right to screw up another high placement in the NBA lottery.

But, wait, there's more.

Back in the day, unconventional polysyllabic words that appear in English essays and nowhere else were called "50-cent words."

We can apply this to Clyde TV, too. Each time he throws out a big word, a cash register pops up onto the screen and displays the total amount of money Clyde's vociferous vocabulary has yielded on the night.

Any time he throws in a word in another language, that's worth a $1. Any time he makes up a word, that's a 50-cent debit.

If the Knicks' PR people were smart, they'd hook up a charity to the Clyde TV On-Screen Money Meter, move the decimal point two places to the right for home games and donate the money. In other words, if Clyde's expansive implementation of his own terminology totals $4.50 in a game, MSG would then be on the line for $450 in donations for that night. Add that up and that's a lot of good that could be done in the name of awful basketball.

Clyde TV would dish. Clyde TV would swish. Clyde TV would bound. Clyde TV would astound.

It's either this or we actually pay attention to the game.

By Mark La Monica

On the scene for ESPN College Gameday In Kentucky last month, I formed an opinion: No one controls the masses like Lee Corso.

With the simple wave of a hand and the donning of a school mascot's headgear, Corso is the pied piper of sports. If he made a run at the presidency in 2008, he'd be the most compelling figure in the race.

This past Monday night, that opinion underwent some serious radical reformation. The true pied piper of sports? The dude or dudette willing to part with free T-shirts at sporting events. It's empowerment unlike any other. Like Tony Montana said in "Scarface," first you get the T-shirts, then you get the power.

While filming the Dec. 6 episode of ExploreTV, my weekly Web show about places to go and things to do on Long Island, at Nassau Coliseum, I wielded that power. That ability to control the minds of the masses. That rare skill to get normal people to do whatever you want them to do, simply by holding a T-shirt in my hand and offering to launch it in their general direction.

By Mark La Monica

Even though he never put peace in the mind of receivers going over the middle, we ask now that Sean Taylor rest in peace, who died Tuesday morning after being shot at his home in Miami on Monday.

What happened to the 24-year-old Redskins free safety and father to a 1-year-old daughter named Jackie is shocking.

We expect our athletes to shine on the field, do their media bits, handle their charitable obligations and maybe make the news for a bar fight or something similarly innocuous on the large scale.

We never expect to watch or read the news that a player in the prime of his life was shot and killed within 48 hours of his team's latest game.

This is one of those stories in sports where it doesn't matter what team you are a fan of, or whether or not you think Daniel Snyder is a bad owner. This is one of those stories in sports where you just feel weird all day and hope there's a good support system in place for Taylor's daughter, robbed of her father before she even had a chance to walk, and family.

By Mark La Monica

"They're all overpaid."

"They get paid millions to play a kid's game."

"This guy is making $900 million to hit a field goal and he does that?"

There, we've just about crystallized all the typical cliches used by angered fans about their underperforming athletes.

With the exception of football, all those players live under the umbrella of guaranteed contracts, so all the in-stadium ranting and talk-radio raving you do accomplishes nothing. Sad, but true.

But what if? What if we lived in a world of meritocracy? What if we lived in a world where athletes who elevate their underperformance to artful levels, or just simply take a dump in their pants at a time when their teams need them most, had to pony up some of their paycheck for the day?

What if we had paybacks? Well, now we do. Here at Keyboard Quarterbacks, we've just created a weekly feature called Paybacks. Even though we're debuting this column on a Monday, in the future, Paybacks will appear every Tuesday afternoon.

1) Eli Manning

Just when you thought the media's recanting of a game two years ago was the epitome of useful filler, the Giants quarterback proved the media aren't always wrong. He threw four interceptions, three of which were returned for touchdowns by the Vikings, two of which came three plays apart in the fourth quarter of a 41-17 loss. Give back some of that DirecTV commercial money, Eli.

2) Herm Edwards

Never revered for his clock-management skills late in the game, but always lauded for his ability to go for a field goal, the Kansas City Chiefs coach baffled even the biggest anti-Herms out there. With 4:262 left in the fourth, his Chiefs trailing the hated Raiders 20-17, Edwards called a timeout to discuss a fourth-and-1 at the Oakland 23. No problems, there. Then, after the timeout, he challenged the spot on the previous play, a catch by Eddie Kenison. He lost the challenge. Not the worst move. Here comes the debit: the field-goal loving Edwards chose to go for it rather than attempt a 40-yard field goal for the tie. Throw some of the NFL Shop fashion show commercial money to a local charity, Herm. You love field goals. Why would you do that?

3) Gus Frerotte

His Rams are trailing the Seahawks, 24-19, when he gets the ball at his 42-yard line with 2:44 left to play. Frerotte leads the Rams down to the Seattle 1-yard line with 30 seconds left. On fourth down, Frerotte . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . fumbles the snap!

During the week, email us your nominees for next week's edition of Paybacks.

By Mark La Monica

Our weekly salute to the bold, brash and otherwise counter-culture maneuvers in sports.

Props to the dude in the Virginia Tech sports information office who had the guts to list the Dec. 1 ACC Championship football game against Boston College on their Web site's schedule days before the Hokies needed to beat in-state rival Virginia to earn the right to play in the championship game. In today's world of online message boards, fan forums, Facebook and MySpace, that's guts. That's the pure embodiment of Props. And if someone from the VT office wants to step up and lay claim to that move, we'll name an award after you.

Props to Stephen A. Smith for this gem to blowhard Skip Bayless who in the middle of one of his stupid "I hate everything in sports that's not me" rants, "What did he do, steal your lady? You got veins popping out of your neck!" Bayless was yapping on SportsCenter about how David Stern should step in and get rid of the Dolans as Knicks' owners.

Props to the Knicks, for winning a real, live, professional basketball game against the Chicago Bulls on Saturday. That takes onions!

Read past Props

By Karen Bailis

Far be it from me to outright steal my KBQB colleague Mark La Monica's practice of giving props to outrageous and otherwise noteworthy accomplishments in the world of sport. Let's just call it "Props Propagating." I couldn't let pass the passing of the longest streak in women's NCAA basketball without giving proper props:

Oklahoma pre-season All-America Courtney Paris' streak of 64 games with a double-double came to an end Friday night in a win over the incredibly athletic Mississippi State. The streak extended back to the 6-4 junior center's freshman year. She managed to record double figures in points and rebounds in 69 of her 72 games at Oklahoma. Still, she kept it all in perspective.

"I'm disappointed that it had to end,” Courtney said of the streak. "I never felt any pressure to keep it alive, but it was a personal goal of mine to keep it going, because I felt like that kind of production is what the team needed out of me to be successful."

Though Paris' numbers on Friday were a little subpar for her -- 16 points, 8 rebounds after averaging 23.5 ppg and 15.9 rpg last season -- her twin Ashley was there to pick up the slack.

Ashley Paris, a 6-3 foward, had been playing in Courtney's large shadow but has started to come into her own with a starting position for the Sooners. In their two previous seasons, Ashley had not outscored Courtney. She's done it in three out of Oklahoma's four games this season, as defenses key on her dominant sister. She broke her career-best in points in the past two games -- 21 points, 4 rebounds Thursday in a win over Arizona State and 24 points, 8 rebounds and 3 blocks the next night against Mississippi State.

Props to the twin towers.

By Mark La Monica

Lil Romeo, aka Romeo, aka Master P's kid, signed a national letter of intent to play college basketball next season at USC.

Knuckle up, Stanford, knuckle up, hoody hoo! Cal, let me hear you say ughhhhhh! Na-na-na-nah.

Romeo, whose real name is Percy Miller (just like his pops), plays at Beverly Hills High, and word is he would smoke Brandon, Dylan, Steve, David and Scott at West Beverly on the court.

The guard, somewhere between 5-10 and 6-foot depending on what you read, averaged 13.9 points and 5.6 assists last season for BHH.

Daddy Romeo, aka Master P, was a bit of a baller in his day. He played in the preseason with a pair of NBA teams, but never made the final cut. Here's hoping Romeo makes his daddy proud. And here's hoping it happens for Romeo, incorporating some of daddy's lyrics:

Watch the Romeo letter signing press conference on TMZ.

By Mark La Monica

Our weekly salute to the bold, brash and otherwise normative-behavior departures in sports.

Props to the six Ripon High School cheerleaders who defied their coach and went ahead with their slightly frisky cheer. If the school doesn't rescind their suspensions, we need to launch an investigation. If the school doesn't man up, the Keyboard Quarterbacks got your back, girls. Free the Ripon 6!

Subsequent props to the Modesto Bee for posting the video and the girls' defense of their move.

Props to Todd Reesing, quarterback of undefeated Kansas (No. 2 in the BCS as of now) for his work in the Pop Culture grid in the Nov. 19 issue of Sports Illustrated (the college hoops preview). He was asked his favorite pickup line. His response: "Did you see the game on Saturday?" Damn, that's good. Rock chalk, Jayhawk!

Props to A-Rod for negotiating without that agent fella of his, Scott Boras.

Props to Kenny Rogers for canning that agent fella of his, Scott Boras.

By Mark La Monica

Lakers coach Phil Jackson got called out across media platforms for his comments after Tuesday's night 107-92 to the Spurs.

Here's what the media-savvy and basketball-savvier Jackson said that has some folks up in arms:

"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game because there's so much penetration and kick-outs," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."

Yeah, not such a good play on Phil's part. Perhaps he was out Zen at the time.

We're not making excuses for Jackson, but the aftermath points out a fundamental concern I have with the 24/7 news cycle and the "need" it has created for 2.3 million TV stations to fill time.

On a "1st and Ten" segment from Tuesday morning's ESPN First Take, NFL analyst Sean Salisbury had this to say about the Jackson situation:

"I didn't see the movie, I don't know what that saying means, but I'll tell you this, it's pathetic."

Huh? Seriously? Did Salisbury just claim to have no idea why Jackson's comments would be considered offensive, then say those comments are offensive? Or did someone pull a Veronica Corningstone and mess with Salisbury's script on a teleprompter?

He kept going, too, calling it "pathetic" at least twice more. Watch the video below and tell me if I'm wrong about this. It's OK to talk tough and have an opinion -- more on-air people should -- but have some knowledge of the subject first. Or at least Google it and read something.

By Mark La Monica

The pat-down. It has grown into a custom at most New York sporting events nowadays.

You spend your dollars for a ticket to watch your team play. But wait, there's more. Act now and you also get the chance to have a strange man places his hands on different parts of your body for a few seconds.

That's not part of the ticket price, but it's become an added bonus for New York fans ever since Sept. 11. It's so ingrained in our stadium experiences now that when you go to a game elsewhere, you forget you don't have to schedule a few extra minutes into your walk from the tailgate to the ticket gate.

At the Florida-Kentucky game in Lexington a few weeks back, the ticket dude scanned my ticket and I walked in. Didn't even have to wait for him to scan my ankles, my ribs, my back, my arms, my everything else. What a pleasure it was.

But I'm here to tell you that you can still have fun at the pat-down. I devised this little prank on the fly Saturday night at the Devils-Islanders game at Nassau Coliseum, and I recommend to everyone.

It starts with being benevolent and letting your friend go ahead of you in line. Then, once the security guard starts to pat him down from the front, you pat him down from the back.

Your friend will inevitably start to laugh and giggle at the double pat-down. Only, the security guard has no idea why your friend is laughing and thinks he's thoroughly enjoying the involuntary man-rub.

The laughing will elicit a number of strange looks and awkward pauses from the security guard. Then, when it's your turn to get manhandled by the dude in a yellow windbreaker, you can say something to the effect of "Don't touch me the way you did that guy in front of me. Did you see the way he giggled and looked at you when you patted him down?"

Ah, yes, it's a brilliant prank to play on a friend. Heck, try it with someone you don't know, too. Then report back to me on its success.

By Mark La Monica

A salute to the bold, brash and otherwise counter-to-the-norm events and people in sports:

Props to Isiah "Juice" Williams, the Illinois quarterback who told coach Ron Zook, 'I'll get you an inch" during a timeout on fourth-and-inches at the Illinois 33 in the fourth quarter Saturday against No. 1 Ohio State. Williams, got the inch - and more - to keep the drive and dream alive for the Fighting Illini, who were ahead 28-21 with 6:33 left at the time.

Additional props to Isiah "Juice" Williams for backing that statement up with runs of 12 yards on a third-and-7, 12 yards on a third-and-10 and 3 yards on a third-and-2. In all, he kept the ball for the final 8:09 and crushed the national title hopes of the Buckeyes.

Further props to Isiah "Juice" Williams for restoring athletic dignity to the nickname "Juice."

Props to Steelers linebacker James Farrior, who early in the week advised that Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. "keep his head on a swivel" during their game this Sunday. He followed that up by making sure we all knew he'd be looking for Winslow Jr. in the game. Good ol' fashioned trash talk. Winslow Jr. caught five passes for 46 yards and a touchdown, but the Steelers won, 31-28.

Props to Terrell Owens, who was caught by cameras doing the Soulja Boy dance after catching his second touchdown against the Giants. He was a day early, but you have to appreciate his observance of Soulja Boy Monday.

Read past Props

South side, walk it out. Carlos Rogers, walk it out!

By Mark La Monica

I realize that Joe Torre played for other teams and managed for other teams before coming to New York. But, wow, it sure looks weird now seeing him in a different uniform, be it Dodger blue or not.

Watch for yourself.