Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

As if Britney Spears wasn't already the source of unlimited derision and mockery, here comes this gem from the good people at UrbanDictionary.com.

It defines the phrase "Leave Britney Alone" as follows:

An exclamation made when your friends or family are teasing you to a point where you can't handle it anymore and a hissy fit is in order.

It stems from Chris Crocker's slightly famous/extremely unnerving YouTube video after Britney's performance at the 2007 VMAs.

Can you use this phrase in a sentence? UrbanDictionary.com can!

Sarah: "OMG Susan, I can't believe you are wearing the same skirt as yesterday. Oh, and by the way, EVERYONE knows what you did with Kevin on the weekend. Plus you look a little fat, are you retaining water?"

Susan: "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!"

What does this have to with a sports blog? Let me learns you.

There's a new phrase sweeping across my mind, this blog and hopefully, the nation. The phrase go as follows: "So then they bring in Eric Gagne."

It's defined as "when something beyond your control goes horribly awry."

Can you use it in a sentence? Sure can.

"Hey Adam, how did it go with that girl you were talking to at the bar before?"

"Well, Kevin, everything was going smooth. She was laughing at my jokes, digging my vibe. So then they bring in Eric Gagne and the next thing you know, her glass of vodka-tonic is now her vodka-tonic with a twist of my face."

It's waiting approval for publication in Urban Dictionary, but the metaphor works in just about all facets of life.

In the emergency room

A patient seems fine then all of sudden codes and can't be revived. When the chief asks what happened, you can say, "All his labs came back fine and we were chatting. The patient seemed in good spirits, but then they brought in Eric Gagne and Dr. Grey called the time of death as 10:22 p.m."

In a legal setting

"How did your case go, Jon?"
"Awful, Nick. I delivered a brilliant closing, even had the judge in tears. So then they brought in Eric Gagne to read the verdict."
"Aw, man, sorry Jon."

At the bank

You walk in and there's no line. You stop to fill out a deposit form. As you're writing, a bus from the assisted living home pulls up on Social Security check-cashing day. Yeah, they just brought in Eric Gagne.

To fully understand this concept, we must explore the Gagne saga a bit. It's a source of much discomfort and disdain up there in Red Sox Nation and great joy and pride in every other baseball fan nation.

Boston traded for Gagne, who once successfully completed 84 straight save opportunities for the Dodgers, at the trading deadline. He was supposed to solidify the bullpen and be the setup man for closer Jonathan Papelbon. The only solidifying Gagne did was his place next to Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone as the most hated people in Red Sox history.

A look at Gagne's numbers before coming to Boston:

2-0
16-for-17 in saves
2.16 ERA
34 games
33.1 innings
23 hits
12 walks
29 strikeouts

A look at Gagne's numbers before coming to Boston:

2-2
0-for-3 in saves
6.75 ERA
20 games
18.2 innings
26 hits
9 walks
22 strikeouts

A look at Gagne's postseason (through Game 4 of ALCS)

0-1
2 games
13.50 ERA
1.1 innings
3 hits
2 walks
4 strikeouts

Quite awful for someone who saved 152 games from 2002-04 before arm injuries derailed him for all but 15.1 innings from 2005-06.

Gagne has been so remarkably brutal since coming to Boston that manager Terry Francona has to at least consider leaving him off the World Series roster should the Red Sox climb back from being down 3-1 to Cleveland in the ALCS.

If not, Boston fans will be calling their local radio stations and flooding their message boards with a simple explanation for the season: "So then they bring in Eric Gagne."