Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mike Casey

Ahhh, the bitter pang of nostalgia.

It’s February, and once again the Rangers are plummeting in the standings faster than Matt Cullen can trip himself up on a breakaway.

Seated below nine other teams in a playoff race that only advances eight, a Rangers team that began the season with promise is now facing the prospect of missing the playoffs for the ninth time in 10 years.

But never fear. According to widespread reports, the Rangers are interested in acquiring just about every quick-fix veteran under the sun.

Hide your prospects. Bury your draft picks. High-risk, average-reward players abound, and if history has taught us anything, it's that Rangers GM Glen Sather will gamble his future on one of them -- and in the process, he'll be taken for a ride by another team's general manager.

Peter Forsberg. Keith Tkachuk. Bryan Smolinski. Jozef Stumpel. Martin Rucinsky. Ten years ago, acquiring any of these guys would have been a pretty safe bet.

But now, it's more like a lottery, where the one holding the winning ticket to New York gets to help transform the Rangers from underachiers to laughingstock once again.

Maybe the gimpy-ankled Forsberg can be coaxed into playing in sneakers. (It worked for the 1934 Giants.)

Maybe the Rangers can introduce Tkachuk to Jenny Craig, who can help the not-so-svelte power forward tone down after showing up to camp last year grossly overweight. (Incidentally, this spawned one of the funniest nicknames in hockey history: Keith Tka-chunky.)

Maybe Rucinsky can help recreate the magic he and his buddies produced in last year's first-round playoff flop.

Maybe Smolinski and Stumpel can generate the kind of consistent scoring they've produced. . . well, never.

Fortunately, we found out yesterday that Sather is one step ahead of the game.

The Rangers traded former second round draft pick Marc-Andre Cliche, a member of the gold medal-winning Canadian team in last month’s World Junior tournament, to the Los Angeles Kings, for forward Sean Avery, the NHL’s most penalized player in the last two years.

It gets even better. Not only will Avery be able to contribute to the Rangers’ apparent goal of setting the record for most minor penalties in an NHL season, but he apparently gets along great with everyone -- it’s just he doesn’t like members of the NHL’s competition committee. And he doesn’t exactly have a great reputation among black players. Or French guys. Or the media. Or John Cusack.

But don’t for one second think he's a bad guy, just because he was accused of calling Georges Laraque a "monkey" (Laraque is black) or that he ripped new teammate Brendan Shanahan, who is a member of the aforementioned committee. Sure he's had some problems with diving, but how can anyone who is dating Elisha Cuthbert (right) be that bad -- really?

And don't think that old Glen didn’t get the Rangers something more in return for Cliche, hustling forward Jason Ward and prospect Jan Marek – Oh no.

He also landed highly-touted left wing John Seymour, a former 226th overall pick, who's enjoying a career year with Brampton of the OHL. Yep. He set a new personal best with five assists this year, and if things break right, he may even score more than one goal this season (his career high is three.)

That oughta jump start the rebuilding movement!

Sather's motto must be: "Give me your tired, your overpriced, your malcontent." Bring them to New York, the land of the free and the home of the exasperated fan.

Fans of opposing teams might enjoy the next few weeks of the season, as the playoff race intensifies and trade rumors abound. But Rangers fans won't.

They'll just be holding their breath, hoping they slip into a gentle coma until the Stanley Cup finals are over and this season has faded from the rear view mirror.