Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

Does anyone else out there in football land think Terrell Owens will score three touchdowns this Sunday in Tennessee?

Or am I just the lone nutjob who is hoping for that?

Owens doing an end zone celebration would be a nice way to cap off a crazy week of Owens Just to recap: He's rushed to the hospital early Wednesday morning for an adverse reaction to pain killers, which then becomes an overdose of Vicodin and attempted suicide, which then becomes an Owens press conference of denial and refusals Wednesday afternoon, which then becomes Owens practicing with the Cowboys on Thursday and the police changing their initial diagnosis to "accidental overdose."

There, that just about sums it all up.

Lucky for Owens, his agent, Drew Rosenhaus hasn't been in the forefront on this one. That would be gel and pompous overload and our voice recorders and television sets could likely initiate their own product recalls.

But what are we left with now? We have a publicist, Kim Etheredge, frantically calling 911 then trying to find a way to remain a publicist and spin the story another way.

And then we have Owens, who just may come out of this latest media blitz as a sympathetic figure. Not sure if that's actually possible, but consider these two things:

1) If he has a big game against the Titans, assuming his broken right finger (and Bill Parcells) will allow him to play, can't you just see the broadcasters and columnists (and yes, the bloggers) painting the heroic picture of Owens, the man who overcame near death and such a whirlwind week of emotions to shine on his sport's big stage?

2) When he goes to Philly next week, he will score a touchdown and flap his wings at Eagles fans. Or he won't score and won't flap. Either way, Eagles fans are going to be tossing thousands of empty pill bottles onto the field. And we'll get plenty of "No one deserves that" from the media, most of which will be deserved because no Eagles fan deserves to be out in public on gameday.

For all the negative publicity surrounding Owens, just remember he never got busted for beating his fiancee, abusing his kids, getting into trouble with the law or assorted other detrimental-to-others activities typically associated with athletes and police blotters.

Did he bring on much of the negativity by himself with his antics? Yes. Does the media help keep it alive? Yes.

Most scoff at his antics. Some look at them and are refreshed by an athlete speaking their mind. Most hear the sound bytes and see the clips and make their decision immediately. Some don't let the media make their decisions for them.

Since none of us were in that room with Owens, we have absolutely no idea what really happened. Just remember that before you go bashing him based on what you hear on TV. The police have already proven that they were wrong. Is it possible everyone's been wrong about Terrell Owens?

By Mark La Monica

Could any Jets fan reasonably expect Matt Chatham to recover the onside kick Sunday afternoon in Buffalo? Or any other Jet for that matter?

Sorry, but that notion would be impossible to fathom. The Jets doing something properly to seal a win in the final minutes? That's just not Jets football. Jets fans wouldn't know how to handle that visual.

Chatham had to fumble that onside kick and the Buffalo Bills had to recover it. You see, a touchdown and a two-point conversion for the Bills would have tied the score at 28 in the final minute.

After that touchdown run by Cedric Houston gave the Jets a 28-13 lead late in the fourth quarter, Lawyer friend Steve said, "I don't recognize this game."

Quick backtrack: In Week 1, when Chad Pennington fumbled and the Titans recovered on the Jets' 1-yard line with 6:11 left, then scored on the next play to get within 16-14, Lawyer friend Steve said, "I've been watching the same game for the last 25 years. Sometimes the Jets win, sometimes they lose. But it's the same game every week."

Correct. This is why the Titans scored the two-point conversion to tie it at 16. It's why the Jets blocked the field goal against the Patriots in Week 2, keeping it a one-possession deficit and giving the Jets one last hope. It's why Chatham didn't recover the onside kick in Week 3. It's why something ridiculous will happen against the Colts in Week 4.

It's why every impersonation of WFAN's Joe Benigno begins with "You just knew . . . "

We know.

The Jets.

Fourth quarter.

Something will happen.

The New York Jets maximize every minute of football. The game is 60 minutes and they will make every one of them count for their fans. It's truly the best entertainment money can buy. It's not a Jets game if fans are relaxed in the final minutes, which is why the team's slogan should be "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Noooooooooooooo!"

It's part of the joy (and pain) of watching the Jets. You may not get to watch them in the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, but you're guaranteed to get your money's worth for 16 weeks. Heck, the Jets can make the bye week exciting if they put three man hours into it.

Even in blowout losses, you can't change the channel because you know you have a better than average chance of witnessing something you've never witnessed before on a football field.

Mathematics boggles the mind of many people. But no one can calculate numbers better than Jets fans. When the Jets made it 28-13 with 3:20 left in Buffalo, many Jets fans thought: "This is coming down to a missed two-point conversion at the end, isn't it?"

That's why we love to watch the Jets. Forget blockbuster action flicks from Hollywood. New York Jets football is the real thrill a minute.

By Mark La Monica

I snuck out of work for lunch today. The bosses may be upset, but I don't regret a simple step I took.

Why do you care? Simple. Sneaking off the premises for (almost) real food allowed me to hear Vin Scully's home run calls from Monday night's Dodgers game. This immediately makes for a good day.

Mike and the Mad Dog played back Scully's calls as the Dodgers hit four home runs in a row in the ninth inning to tie San Diego, followed by Nomar Garciaparra's walkoff in the 10th.

For those of living outside the coverage area of Vin Scully, there is no greater reason to appreciate life than when we hear his voice describing baseball. He's a one-man booth, capable of seamlessly weaving play-by-play with color commentary.

For those living within the broadcast area, cherish these days because at some point, Scully won't be there. Then, you'll be like fans of the other 29 baseball teams who have to make do with lesser announcers, all of whom feel like they must distinguish themselves with over-the-top signature calls of groundouts to second with no one out in the sixth inning of a blowout.

When Scully's voice comes through a microphone, baseball fans have no choice but to stop and listen. He really is the best the game has ever heard. Any time I hear Scully call a game, I immediately think back to my childhood when he and Joe Garagiola called the Game of the Week on NBC. That was magic. Now, it's Joe Buck and Tim McCarver or worse. Although, a nod goes to Buck for making fun of McCarver whenever the opportunity presents itself, which is often.

Just take a look at some of the historic moments Scully has called for us:

- All six Dodgers World Series championships
- Three perfect games
- 18 no-hitters
- Scoreless innings streaks by Don Drysdale and Orel Hershiser
- Hank Aaron's 715th home run
- Kirk Gibson's Game 1 home run in the 1988 World Series

In the summer of 1998, I worked at SportsTicker in Jersey City. The job was simple and mindless: watch a game on television and/or take pitch-by-pitch reports from a person at the stadium and record it all. Basically, I was the guy who updated gamecast-type things on the Internet.

On one particular day, the Dodgers were playing. The game was on television and we had a reporter at the game feeding me live info. I heard a voice in the background. "Is that Scully?" I asked. The reporter said yes.

"You got the game on TV over there?" he asked.

I said yes.

"Good, I'm gonna put the phone down so you can hear Scully tell this story," the reporter said. "If anything crazy happens, I'll fill you in."

For all those following the game that day online, I apologize for the extremely slow updates. But, dude, it was Vin Scully telling a story. Some things take precedent over 0.62 percent of a season.

By Mark La Monica

Get the grill out! It's time to tailgate !

Slap some bacon, eggs and sauzeech on there for the early morning session. Fire up the burgers, hot dogs and sauzeech for the late-morning session before the game.

Who cares if you're not actually at a football stadium today, it's the first NFL Sunday of the season and it requires the proper apprecation.

The first Sunday of the NFL season is the fourth best sports day of the year. It fits all the criteria for inclusion on this list:

- Occurs every year around the same time.
- Is completely worthy of all its hype.
- Gets sports fans around the country fired up.
- Has a national scope to it.
- Is considered a worthy news event for the regular front-of-the-newspaper readers.
- Every team involved has hope, excitement and a chance to win it all.

So put on that jersey of this year's big free-agent signing or top draft pick. Or maybe you like it old-school and still have the jersey from your team's 1983 Pro Bowl linebacker. Heck, even wearing a Curtis Conway No. 81 Jets jersey would be acceptable on this day.

Throw those Nerf Turbos all over the stadium parking lot or the street in front of your house. Run across your neighbor's lawn, cut around the tree, then use your dad's car as a pick to get open for the touchdown.

Football is back.  Every team has a chance to make the Super Bowl today, even the Jets. And with the salary cap era of the NFL, no one really knows who will be good enough to get to Miami in February.

Every sport's season opening deserves some pomp and even some circumstance.  Only Major League Baseball's Opening Day carries more excitement.

Today, we get nine games in the 1 p.m. slot, three at 4:15 and the Sunday Night game. Then, a Monday Night doubleheader, which is my opinion, is a complete travesty but the networks paying hundreds of millions to broadcast the games would disagree.

Every game matters in the NFL. It's not like baseball or the NBA or the NHL where a two-game losing streak is acceptable and understood.  In the NFL, a two-game losing streak can be much more brutal.

The NFL has positioned itself as a truly national sport. They've made Jaguars fans care how the Cardinals did last week. Eagles fans need to know if the Broncos won. Or whatever combination you prefer to use. The point is football fans are interested in everything NFL.

And it all begins today, the fourth best sports day of the year.

By Mark La Monica

It's the Colts vs. the Panthers in the Super Bowl this year. Or maybe the Patriots against the Seahawks. 

Way to go out on a limb, NFL "experts" and "analysts." Why don't you go actually take candy out of a baby's hand next. Hey, maybe you could even tap in a 3-inch putt after your professional playing partner in a charity pro-am nailed the 211-yard approach shot from the rough.

It gets no easier than picking the chalk to win the Super Bowl.  Anyone can walk up to the betting window and play the 2/1 horse in an exacta with the 3/1 horse.

You receive no points for chalk in Keyboard Quarterbacks land.  Here, we play for value and bragging rights if and when that value pays off.

Here is my Super Bowl XLI prediction: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Dallas Cowboys.

You may say to yourself right now, "What sort of access to hallucinogens does this La Monica kid have?"

None is the answer to that question.

The Chiefs will reach the Super Bowl for the following reasons:

- Larry Johnson ran for 1,750 yards last season and only started 9 games.

- With Herm Edwards as the new coach in KC, Johnson has a great chance to become the sixth running back in NFL history to rush for more than 2,000 yards in a season.

- Edwards coached the Jets last season then left. Anyone remember Bill Belichick, the one-time HC of NYJ?

- This is just the type of luck for the New York Jets: run a coach out of town, then watch him achieve glory elsewhere.

- Edwards can fix a defense pretty quickly.

- Even he can't mess up this offense.

- He has a quarterback to work with.

- The Midwest will eat up Herm's motivational magic.

- Jake Plummer will not match his 2005 season for Denver; Philip Rivers is the QB in San Diego and the Oakland Raiders should have to submit their defensive scheme to an NFL committee for approval before the game.

The Cowboys will reach the Super Bowl for the following reasons:

- Terrell Owens.

- Bill Parcells has precious little time left in his coaching career before he bolts and leaves another franchise in salary cap hell.

- Drew Bledsoe is the starting quarterback, making this prediction even higher in value if it pans out.

- Terrell Owens.

- Their defense.

- The Giants are supposed to be very good this year, which traditionally means they will underachieve. The Eagles have Donovan McNabb and lesser known receivers than your town's high school team. Washington will lose a lot of close games.

- Carolina has some hamstring issues with Steve Smith and the rest of the league might have finally figured out how to defend those quick hitch passes.

- Seattle Seahawks? Three words: Super Bowl Hangover.

- Terrell Owens.

Prediction: Chiefs 24, Cowboys 20.

How it plays out: "Idiot kicker" Mike Vanderjagt misses a field goal at the end of the first half, which forces the Cowboys to go for it on fourth down at the Chiefs' 24-yard line. Bledsoe's pass to Jason Witten falls incomplete.

By Mark La Monica

Well, there goes my college football season. Washed away on the first weekend of the season as my Miami Hurricanes decided to forget how to play football in the second half and lost to archrival Florida State on Labor Day Night.

Such a disappointment to have nothing to look forward for the next three months. One loss destroys a college football season. It's quite painful to end a season three hours and 40 minutes after it started. It's quite, quite painful to end it against the Seminoles.

Why Sam Shields chose to drop a pass late  in the fourth quarter on third down when he was wide open and the ball was thrown perfectly and he was beyond the first-down marker is mind-boggling.

Miami, for a second straight season, lost its opener to Florida State by a field goal. Miami, for a second straight season, lost its national title aspirations in the opener to Florida State.

The best 'Canes fans can hope for now is the NCAA changes the rules before this Saturday and allows two teams to lose the same game. This way, maybe Texas and Ohio State can both chalk up a loss on the same weekend. Then, we'd need Penn State and Notre Dame to do the same thing.

Otherwise, the 'Canes have no shot at anything except maybe getting a chance to play Florida State in the ACC championship. A loss then for FSU would be more devastating than a loss now for Miami. Of course, there's the little matter of Virginia Tech, USC and those pesky SEC schools named LSU, Auburn and Florida, and my darkhorse pick Michigan.

Oh, the gravity of such a negative start to the season. So many angles to have worry about just to get a chance to be close to the outside looking in. This stinks.

After the game I sent a text message to Hurricane fan friend Fletcher, who was unfortunate enough to be in the Orange Bowl for this awful display of football. It read: "My name is Kyle Wright and I don't know how to read a defense."

His response: Unprintable!

The season is over before it barely began.  Oh well, at least the NFL starts soon. Then I can cheer on my Jets and Raiders. Oh lord, this is going to be an awful football Autumn. Maybe I'll just watch reruns of "Entourage" this fall.

By Mike Casey

Let's be honest. No one came to Arthur Ashe Stadium last night expecting Andre Agassi to win. We knew all about his balky back, his 36 years, and what little we knew about his opponent, Marcos Baghdatis, was enough for many of us to consider last night's match a grand finale for a brilliant champion.

Well, a funny thing happened. Three hours and 49 minutes later, Agassi was blowing kisses to the crowd, celebrating one of the most shocking outcomes in U.S. Open history.

But what made the match so great was not just the unexpected result. It was that the unexpected kept happening... Over, and over, and over again, until there wasn't one ounce more of drama to be squeezed out of the 23,000-seat stadium.

Agassi took the court to flashbulbs and thunderous applause, with many fans believing it would be their last chance to salute the 21-year pro.

But he quickly dispelled any notions that his 'final match' would be a walkover, breaking Baghdatis to go up 4-3 in the first set. Almost immediately, you could sense something special happening.

When Agassi broke Baghdatis again in the second set, the crowd finally allowed itself to believe their favorite had a chance to win. Baghdatis looked lost; nothing like the up-and-coming player we'd heard about leading up to the match. Agassi was in control, poised to end the match in straight sets if he could get another break, which by this point, seemed inevitable.

But instead it was Baghdatis who broke Agassi in the third set, taking it by a score of 6-3. It was a match again. . . or so it seemed.

Agassi roared back, winning the first four games of the fourth set, twice breaking Baghdatis' serve and again looking the dominant player. I briefly contemplated an escape to the parking lot to beat the traffic. 'Do tennis matches even have traffic?' I wondered. I decided they didn't and remained in my seat.

I'm glad I did, because 15 minutes later, Baghdatis had turned the match completely around again. Cheered on by a small rooting section in the upper deck, he evened the set at 4-4, and now it was Agassi who looked lost and helpless. Suddenly, he was as old and slow as we expected him to be.

Baghdatis finished off the fourth set, and then broke Agassi's serve in the first game of fifth set. The capacity crowd, raucous all night, grew quiet, sensing impending disaster.

But here again, an unxpected turn. Agassi broke back to tie it at 1-1. The two traded service holds until it was 4-4 in the fifth.

That's when things got even more strange/bizarre/dramatic/(you can come up with your own word here, because at this point, I'm out of vocabulary).

At the end of a rally, Baghdatis' right leg gave way. He rolled around on the ground for a few seconds before a trainer finally approached him. The problem was obviously a severe cramp, but Baghdatis had already used his injury timeout, so the trainer could do very little to help him.

The anticipated climax of a fifth-set tiebreaker between the two combatants was shattered in an instant. "Is that it?" people asked one another. "Will he be able to go on?"

Incredibly, Baghdatis made it to his feet, and putting up his hand, indicated to Agassi he was ready to continue. Think Rocky vs. Apollo Creed in the 15th Round.

But even with Baghdatis back on his feet, it seemed an unfair fight. Agassi would surely exploit the Cypriot's lack of mobility. The match which had been building to a satisfying crescendo would end with a sudden thud.

That's when Agassi's concentration disappeared. Obviously distracted by his opponent's plight, he began missing his first serves -- badly -- and suddenly found himself down a break point. Baghdatis, meanwhile, had summoned the inner strength to return ball after ball after ball, with most of his shots off of one leg.

Agassi fought off that break point, forcing a deuce. And then another break point. And another deuce. And another break point. And another deuce. Eight in all, until finally Agassi held serve.

Minutes later, Agassi took a 30-40 lead and held a match point. But again, the wounded Baghdatis found a way to survive. He won the 10th game, tying the set at 5-5. Agassi held again to make it 6-5, and then earned double match point on Baghdatis' serve.

The 21-year-old saved both those points, sending his supporters into a frenzy.  The tiebreaker fans had been preparing themselves for was just two Baghdatis points away. But the final plot twist had already unfolded.

Agassi gained the advantage and finally finished off his young opponent, 6-4, 6-4, 3-6, 5-7, 7-5.

When the match was over, I did something I probably shouldn't have done -- I broke the sacred code of "no cheering in the press box." (Then again, I wasn't in a press box, I was in the stands amongst cheering fans.) I clapped not just for Agassi, but for Baghdatis too. After what I had just seen, I figured a little applause from an embedded journalist wouldn't draw much attention anyway. Everyone else was caught up in the moment, and so was I.

Moments earlier, I had heard an older gentleman sitting behind me say, "This is the best tennis match I've ever seen."

It may be the best tennis match any of us ever sees. I'm just grateful I was there to see it.

E-mail me.