Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

What makes the NFL Draft the seventh best sports day each year? Everything.

It’s got anticipation, excitement, unpredictability, emotion, practical application, fan despair, depth, potential anguish in the green room, a checkered history of first-round picks by the Jets, Michael Irvin suits and Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair.

What more could we ask for from 0.274 percent of the year? We'll take it one section at a time as we dissect the anatomy of the seventh best sports day of the year.

Anticipation
No other professional sports draft gets as much attention as the NFL. Teams invest incredible amounts of time, money and energy in researching players. Scouting combines are newsworthy events. Fans do their own mock drafts and waste hours of life debating which direction their team should go in with their first pick.

Some teams’ fans are fortunate enough to begin their draft preparation midway through the season when their team has proven its terribleness. That just doesn’t happen in any other pro sport. With a month left in a baseball season, you don’t see Royals fans bringing “Play for the draft pick” signs to Kauffman Stadium. The NBA has a lottery, so that makes playing for the worst record a waste of time.

Excitement
Ever see those crazies on television with their faces painted yet there is no game being played? That’s what the NFL has created with its annual job fair for college kids.  No matter where you are on Draft Day, you want to know who got picked when. You could be enjoying a splendid day at the beach with your significant other, but there's a part of you that is dying to know which defensive back went first. That's what the best sports day do. They make us think about the event all day.

Unpredictability
Who knows who’s going where? No one. We all may think we have a good idea of how the draft with play out, but then here come the Jets at No. 4 and the Raiders at No. 7, or wherever they happen to pick in a particular season. These two teams are famous for Gary Busey-ing (i.e., completely messing up) the world’s draft boards.

Teams play poker with the media and other teams. No general manager wants to show his hand, except for, on occasion, the one with the No. 1 pick. So when one pick goes awry, it turns into a battle royal.

There is also the Ryan Leaf factor, which forces us to wonder which player will be a monumental bust, become a cautionary tale for future decision makers and turn every writer and broadcaster into Rodney Dangerfield with one-line zingers years later.

Not to mention the Tom Brady factor, which forces us to wonder which late-rounder will emerge as the best in the league at his position.

Don't forget about trades. They can happen at any time in any round. It's enough to make a fan lose his or her mind.

Emotion
Players cry when they get picked and hug their families and agents. They hide disgust from the omnipresent national television cameras when they don’t get picked. Eagles fans are guaranteed to boo no matter what happens. Jets fans are conditioned to teter on the edge with excitement until their intestines begin to riot with their stomach over the latest outrageous pick.

That fans even gather themselves at the draft site to express their opinions about a player yet to wear their new team’s uniform says all you need to know about the emotion surrounding Draft Day in the NFL.

Practical Application
Teams need to fill holes. A draft fills this need quite effectively.

Fan Despair
Some of them actually get mad when a particular player is drafted over another player. Such lunacy is oddly refreshing.

Depth
When all the picks are completed, teams can assess what they’ve got and how they’ve filled holes and replenished the franchise. This is the start to the circle of NFL life. Then there’s the little matter of four million people to choose from and all those great second-day stories about how the cornerback from a Division II program was paralyzed from the waist down for three hours after a game in high school and the doctors never thought he’d walk again, let alone play football and here he is being drafted by an NFL team.

Potential Anguish in the Green Room
Remember the 432 cutaways to Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers in the green room last year? It hurt, didn’t it? Watching Rodgers, a potential No. 1 pick, attempt to keep a straight face as he fell to the Packers at No. 22 was equal parts painful and intriguing. Not unlike watching the Miss America beauty pageant hoping someone will fall.

A Checkered History of First-Round Picks by the Jets
“It’s obvious to me right now that the Jets just don’t understand what the draft is all about,” Mel Kiper Jr. said in 1989 after the Jets drafted Jeff Lageman at No. 14.

If you value martyrdom, as most Jets fans do, watch this video. But don’t say you weren’t warned.

Michael Irvin Suits
Seriously, few things are more enjoyable than watching these millionaires-to-be copy The Playmaker with outlandish, bright colored, 12-buttoned suits with pimp-wide collars.

Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair.
It’s only a matter of time before he erupts in his seat, looks into the camera in disgust and blurts out, “I didn’t even have him on my board!” all the while keeping his hair stationary. The wonders of mousse will never cease to amaze.