On the night of Sept. 8, 2005, I infected your Internet with a virus. For the high-strung and paranoid among you, relax. This virus didn’t crash your computer, steal your precious financial data or email those naked pictures of your wife to all the contacts saved in your email.
Although, my 2005 bold NFL predictions may have affected your bank account. Then again, my legal team assures me that I can’t be held responsible if people subscribe to my stupidity.
Every good Internet virus has a solid ending, something that pops up to let you know of the damage it just did. Here’s mine:
Super Bowl: Jets 31, Washington 9.
Ouch.
But the thought process on that September evening was to make bold, crazy and outrageous predictions. In that regard, I earned a solid A-minus. (Colts and Eagles were the obvious picks, so no A)
In the accuracy department, well, that’s a strong D-plus. The Redskins winning the wild card and a first-round playoff saved me. As did my brilliant call of “Joe Gibbs will outcoach God (Bill Parcells) on Dec. 18 and that will make the difference.”
Actual score of that game: Redskins 35, Cowboys 7.
Damn, I’m good.
Of course, that was basically the highlight of my inaugural endeavor into pigskin prognosticating. Here’s a look at those predictions, the actual results and my analysis. As you call in your officemates to laugh at my ineptitude, just remember the overall theme of bold, crazy and outrageous predictions.
AFC East
Prediction: New York Jets.
Actual: New England Patriots.
Analysis: If the Jets stayed healthy, they could have won the division and kept the Patriots out of the playoffs. If Mariah Carey asks me out on a date, I’d go. Neither one seemed to happen this season. But, Mariah, feel free to e-mail me. Seriously.
AFC North
Prediction: Baltimore Ravens.
Actual: Cincinnati Bengals.
Analysis: No fault insurance alert! Predicting the Bengals to win anything just felt way too illogical, even for me.
AFC South
Prediction: Indianapolis Colts.
Actual: Indianapolis Colts.
Analysis: Way to go out on a limb, there, tough guy.
AFC West
Prediction: Oakland Raiders.
Actual: Denver Broncos.
Analysis: If I had known Jake Plummer was going to grow a full woodsman’s beard instead of just that 1973 cop-turned-porn-star mustache . . . .
AFC Wild Cards
Prediction: Kansas City Chiefs, Pittsburgh Steelers.
Actual: Jacksonville Jaguars, Pittsburgh Steelers.
Analysis: Woo hoo, I got one right! Thanks to the Bus and Ben “Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me?” Roethlisberger. The Chiefs, given their newly inhereted clock management problems, could be an equally bold prediction next season.
NFC East
Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles.
Actual: New York Giants.
Analysis: The Eagles stunk up the city like Pat’s cheese steaks left in the sun for four days. Tiki Barber is good. Eli Manning is not.
NFC North
Prediction: Detroit Lions.
Actual: Chicago Bears.
Analysis: Hey, if Motown’s Eminem can get back together with his wife, the woman he destroys on half his records, then Joey Harrington could have been an adequate NFL quarterback, his receivers could have stayed healthy and Matt Millen could have developed a clue on how to run a team. Oh lord, here I go again with bold and incorrect predictions. When am I going to learn?
NFC South
Prediction: Carolina Panthers.
Actual: Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Analysis: I came close on this one, so I got that going for me, which is nice. Almost as nice as my “Not to mention the fact that the Falcons have had a nasty wax on, wax off history of late” analysis of Atlanta’s playoff chances.
NFC West
Prediction: St. Louis Rams.
Actual: Seattle Seahawks.
Analysis: Did Mike Holmgren shave his mustache in the offseason and not tell anyone?
NFC Wild Cards
Prediction: Washington Redskins, New Orleans Saints
Actual: Washington Redskins, Carolina Panthers
Analysis: OK, so that America’s team idea with the Saints led them all the way to the No. 2 pick in the draft. Oopsies. But Brett Favre indeed ran of out "Bad things happen to me and I still overcome them" reward points. And Mike Tice is still Mike Tice.
At least I didn’t pick Patriots vs. Eagles for Super Bowl XL like most other people. Every now and then, I get some things right.