"Those [patoot]holes went for two, didn’t they?" Lawyer friend Steve asked before I even had the chance to politely answer the phone call.
Sorry, Steve, but going for two requires being able to score a touchdown, and quite frankly, the Houston Texans are not that potent an offense.
"This is ridiculous," Restaurant friend Rob ranted via voicemail. "What do I have to do get a win from the [f-bombing] Texans. I can’t believe it."
Jets fans can’t watch their own team anymore this season, so they spend their Saturdays drooling over Reggie Bush playing for USC and their Sundays staring at the upper-right corner of their television screens waiting for updates from Texans games.
Houston, we have a serious problem. Your professional football team stinks beyond any word recognized by Merriam and Webster as an adjective.
And we here in New York are fuming. The Jets patented losing in stunningly absurd ways, and here you come with your "Everything is bigger in Texas" thinking.
The Texans are 1-11 and smell worse than Staten Island. The Jets, Packers and 49ers are 2-10. Reggie Bush is coming out early. Surely, readers can see the problem.
Here’s what happened Sunday as the Texans threw away another lead and lost to the Ravens:
• Houston led, 9-7, then David Carr was intercepted by Adalius Thomas, who ran it back 20 yards for the go-ahead touchdown with 8:27 left.
• Houston drives to the Ravens’ 11, but settled for a field goal. Texans trail 13-12.
• With 1:13 left, Houston adds the go-ahead field goal and is in position to win.
• On the kickoff, Houston pinned Baltimore at its own 13.
Here comes win No. 2 for Houston. Here comes Reggie Bush to New York, or at least he’s that much closer.
But no, of course not. Those pathetic Texans allowed the Ravens, quarterback by painfully awful Kyle Boller, to march right down the field some 67 yards in seven plays and kick the winning field goal with 10 seconds left.
And now for a look at the inverted standings in the race for the No. 1 pick in the 2006 NFL Draft:
Team Rec
Houston 1-11
Jets 2-10
Green Bay 2-10
San Fran 2-10
Tennessee 3-9
New Orleans 3-9
Right now, because of strength of schedule, the Jets are in the No. 2 slot for the draft. This would most likely eliminate Bush and present an interesting decision for GM Terry Bradway and his war room buddies. USC quarterback Matt Leinart? Texas quarterback Vince Young should he opt out of his senior year? Virginia offensive lineman
D'Brickashaw Ferguson from Freeport High School? Trade the pick?
Here's where life gets confusing. We need the Jets to lose their remaining four games against Oakland, Miami, New England and Buffalo. Then we need Oakland, Miami New England and Buffalo to lose the rest of their games, thus giving them bad records and making the Jets' strength of schedule weaker, making them even worse.
Then, we need the Texans to win a game or two, and have the other teams they play win all their other games. Same for Green Bay, San Francisco, New Orleans and Tennessee.
Got it?
The Texans still have to play the 3-9 Titans, the 4-8 Cardinals and the 2-10 49ers. There is some hope.
The Packers host the 4-8 Lions, then travel to the 4-8 Ravens. There is some hope. The Packers then play Hurricane Ditka and the 1985 Chicago Bears and wrap up the season with Mike Holmgren's 9-2 Seahawks, both at Lambeau Field. There is no hope there.
The mighty mighty Titans of Tennessee can do wonders for New York by losing to Houston this weekend, especially because they've got the 9-2 Seahawks, the 5-7 Dolphins and the 9-3 Jaguars left on the schedule.
New Orleans is wonderfully terrible. And they will likely stay that way. The 7-5 Falcons, 9-3 Panthers and 8-4 Buccaneers will see to that. But, the Saints could ruin their draft chances by defeating the 4-8 Lions in Week 16.
The Lions seem hold everyone else's destiny in their hands. Provided Matt Millen does not shave his mustache or fire himself, we're looking pretty good here.
The 49ers will lose their next three games -- Seattle, Jacksonville and St. Louis. Their best chance for victory is Week 17 at home against . . . you guessed it . . . the 1-11 Texans. Oh lord. Being a Jets fan is not fair.