Watching Tom Brady throw a football everywhere but the receivers’ hands always makes for an enjoyable afternoon. But, for the love of Pete, he could at least get the Patriots in field-goal range so Adam Vinatieri can score some points for my fantasy team!
And since when do the Patriots not know how to tackle someone? Stephen Davis’ three touchdowns did wonders for my bench scoring.
Then there’s Peyton Manning posting a dumper of a game and waiting until the final six minutes or so to score enough points for the Colts to beat the Jaguars, 10-3. That’s awful quarterbacking for my fantasy team and even more additional stress over the knockout pool I’m in.
It’s always good to see Mike Tice-coached teams play like Mike Tice-coached teams, but Daunte, please, throw a friggin’ touchdown pass to Nate Burleson. You’re helping destroy my pick ’em pool and both of my fantasy teams.
Ben Roethlisberger had a nice day. On my bench! LaMont Jordan had a touchdown called back. In my starting lineup! (Turn on Joe Benigno voice now.) You just knew . . . ! (Turn off Joe Benigno voice now.)
Plus, there are those crazy NFL predictions I made at the start of the season. The ones that kept the Patriots out of the playoffs and gave the Jets an AFC East title, among others. It would be nice to see some of those come true, but if Vinatieri suddenly kicks three field goals, well, that’s fine with me, too.
I can’t handle this anymore.
This is an “I quit” match the likes we haven’t seen since Mankind and The Rock battled in an empty arena during a WWE Super Bowl halftime show a few years ago.
I quit.
I am officially retiring from fantasy football and nearly every office pick ’em pool I can think of at season’s end.
Bye bye, Carruth Cons. Au revoir, Fryburg Wilkinsons (nee Fryburg Antonellis). The enjoyment of watching football has been shattered by up-to-the-minute fantasy stat trackers online and game scores on the TV screen.
The two paragraphs above just added seven more years to my life expectancy. Without them, I’d likely have a “Chris Farley Da Bears Superfan pork sausage” heart attack by Week 9.
I don’t care if Larry Johnson rushes for 2,000 yards and 20 touchdowns this season and I can keep him next year as an eighth-round protection. Should Greg Lewis have a breakout season, let him be protected in the 12th round by the person who inherits the Fryburg franchise.
Instead, my torment will come from the purity of football, such as watching my Jets score two touchdowns on the same possession and still get credited for zero points on the scoreboard.
Or, the masochistic pleasure derived from watching highlights of my Raiders lose another game in the final 30 seconds because of a stupid penalty and a very bad defense.
I want to be made at Warren Sapp for a late hit that cost the Raiders the game and not because he prevented my receiver from making a catch that would get my team 2 more points.
Remember when all you needed for NFL Sunday was a television, couch and a meatball hero?
Alas, 2006 will be the dawn on a new era. Old, but new.