Even if you’ve just spent millions of dollars on a new vacation home, you’ll never really fit in out East until you understand the local lingo and the ways of the uber rich. Thankfully, just in time for summer, two new guides are here to help.
Last year, Miles Jaffe, son of reknowned architect Norman Jaffe, self-published his satirical "Hamptons Dictionary: The Essential Guide to Class Warfare". Now he’s back with an expanded and upgraded "platinum" edition published by The Disinformation Company ($17.95).
Whether you’re in BriHa (Bridgehampton), EaHa (East Hampton), SoHa (Southampton), NoHi (North of Montauk Hightway) or SoHi (South of Montauk Highway), it’s all “unreal estate” in the Hamptons. Renting a share for the summer? Then you’re a “hampster” or a “grouper,” or better yet, a “bottom feeder." Saw a Hamptons home listed for sale for less than $1 million? That’s called “affordable housing.” Don’t know what to call your neighbor’s newly built 10,000-square-foot house? It’s a “McMansion” or “megacottage” and your neighbor is a “McMoron” living in a “rich man’s Levittown.”
If you’re still perplexed about the ways of the truly rich, The Official Filthy Rich Handbook" (Workman Publishing, $11.95). will help. The new title pokes fun at the way the rich dress, shop, party and vacation. Summer hotspots include the Hamptons, of course, where Amagansett, Springs and Sag Harbor are “hippie-luxe”; East Hampton is a refuge for “WASPs”, and Southampton has become somewhat “flash.”
The book also has practical advice for anyone in the new-money set, like a list of star-worthy decorators that includes Hamptonites Campion Platt, Jamie Drake and Victoria Hagan. There's even a primer on staffing your new house, making sure to keep straight the pecking order and duties of a housekeeper, a nanny, a chauffer, a valet, a maid and a chef. And if you're looking for a place to network, skip the Maidstone Club unless you're a true blue-blood, and check the listings on The Atlantic Golf Club or The Bridge, both in Bridgehampton, or the Sebonack Golf Club in Southampton.
For those not interested in the Hamptons scene, the Handbook also gives a nod to Long Island's North Shore with an entry on Locust Valley, where $18 million will get you a waterfront Mediterranean-style mansion and neighbors like Nelson Doubleday Jr.