The TV Zone

By now you may have heard the big news out here in BH - that Jay Leno told USA Today that he is done with NBC next year. Done, as in: No primetime specials, no special ambassadorship, no syndicated series for some division of NBCUniversal, no guest-hosting job on "Access Hollywood"...

He's outta there.

The news broke innocuously, but like all tectonic shifts in this business, such news often does. I remember when Johnny took the stage at Carnegie Hall in '88 or '89, and told advertisers at the NBC upfront that he would hang it up at 30 seasons. There was no press release. No formal "this is it" statement. Just a brief and modest aside to a thousand stunned advertisers.

And I don't believe he ever said another word about it in public.

Then, this news this morning. The piece - by an enterprising reporter by the name of Marco R. della Cava - was ostensibly just about Jay's vast collection of cars, and his gearhead love of all things mechanical (though I was a little surprised that there wasn't much talk about motorcycles...)

Della Cava asked the right question, or maybe just snuck in it during a fascinating conversation about the 1936 Lagonda Rapide LG45 Team Car.

"Ummm, Jay, before we I ask you about the Lagonda Rapide LG46, which I believe came out in 1938 and I do believe I see one over there in the corner, I was just kinda wondering: Are you gonna stay with NBC next year...? "

Maybe that's how it came up. But Jay had a message to deliver too. Here it is: "I am definitely done next year with NBC." Another network? "I'm not a beach guy, and the last time I was in my pool was to fix my light. Don't worry, I'll find another job somewhere..."

Don't worry. He will. So let us quickly review the options, then I'll tell you what I know:

ABC: As "Nightline" replacement, and lead-in to "Jimmy Kimmel." Tricky because you don't wanna alienate JK, who certainly believes he has a right to 11:35...Letterman felt the same way, and look what happened there. Even with all the joking at press tour yesterday, Steve McPherson knows this is a delicate operation. I suspect, though, ABC will perform it adroitly. Odds are good Jay'll come here.

Sony: A syndicated deal, as reported some months ago by the NYTimes, is apparently on the table, or could be on the table. It would be for a vast sum of money. Problem is, Jay's not motivated by money. If I've heard this once, I've heard it a thousand times. I believe it. Odds here are slim.

CBS: Only if Dave walks in '10. Only, and a big only. We in the press - Okay, I in the press - have predicted in the past that Dave'll walk, only to be proven wrong. He'll walk one day. Who knows when. And Dave might just sign a new contract to keep Jay away from CBS; I imagine - nay, believe - the slightest residue of bitterness remains that Leno got the job that he believed rightfully his all those years ago. CBS odds not so high, in my opinion.

Fox: The dark horse. Jay comes here for the 11 p.m. job, and there will be - I am convinced - an offer for an 11-midnight show. The pitch to Jay could be very appealing: You'll get a younger audience here, an "American Idol" lead-in (or at least a lead-in from late local news that's been boosted by "AI"), and the chance to build a big audience that could blunt or damage or even scuttle the Conan-hosted "Tonight" show. I don't think Jay's a guy motivated by revenge, but on some level, he's a brutal competitor, and the chance to demolish the network that abused him and tossed him aside like a moldy head of cabbage has to be enormously appealing. Odds of Fox are, I think, very good. Not quite as good as ABC, which has the slight edge, because of 11:35, but still very good.

Here's what I do know: No decision has been made. I am positive - or close to positive on this, despite Jay's on-air kidding the other night (he held up that "headline of the future," which showed him at ABC, remember?) I am told reliably and told by a sterling source that Leno's camp can still not hold negotiations or discussions with any interested party. I don't know when the window opens, but when it does, it will be front page news, believe me.

But today, we know just one fact: Jay will not be at NBC after his contract ends next year.

Sorry for this very long blog entry, but this is the biggest news in TV this year.

(Photo: NBC)

After years of Emmy ignominy, "The Wire" appears poised to get a Best Drama Emmy nomination when awards are announced July 17.

How do we know this? Because in an unusual move, the Emmys Thursday night announced drama and comedy finalists, or -- as Emmy put it -- the "top ten vote-getters." The so-called blue-ribbon panel screenings of these vote-getters takes place on June 28 and 29. Then? I'll let Emmy explain: "The results of those panels, who will watch and judge the work of each finalist, represent 50 percent of the vote. Both results will be averaged together to come up with our five nominees in each category . . ."

But I'm burying my lede. You are dying to find out what the other shows are. Dying . . . and I'm delaying here, or to use a fancy word, temporizing, just to build the excitement, anticipation, thrills.

Oh, for Chrissakes, Gay, will you please open the damn envelop.

Without further temporizing, dear friends, herewith the list -- ta dum. (Quickie analysis to follow.)

Top 10 Comedy Series Finalists

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
Family Guy
Flight of the Conchords
The Office
Pushing Daisies
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men
Ugly Betty
Weeds

Top 10 Drama Series Finalists

Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Grey’s Anatomy
House
Lost
Mad Men
The Tudors
The Wire

Quickie analysis

Comedies: No "Desperate Housewives" in comedy? After a pretty good season? This crop looks strong, but I'm befuddled by "Family Guy;" I must be missing something but after 20 years, the greatest show in TV history, "Simpsons", couldn't crack this list because it was animated, and had to settle for that silly and insignificant "animated" category. Why does "FG" earn a bye here? Meanwhile, glad to see "Weeds" which deserved to be here before (but you know Emmy!) and absolutely thrilled to see "Californication" is not. Thanks God, this isn't the Golden Globes. What should be on the final list? "Weeds," "Rock," "Men," "Conchords," "Office."

Dramas: What sticks outta this list like a broken thumb (swollen to 10 times its size?) You are correct, sir / madame! "Grey's," which belongs on this about as much as "One Tree Hill;" in fact, "Hill" has more right to be here than "Grey's," which had a stinky season. (Just ask Kate Heigl!) Of course my heart is gladdened by the fact that "Lost" is here. What should be on the final list? "The Wire," "Mad Men," "Lost," "Friday Night Lights" (hmmmm), and "Damages."

What it's about: Those of us who struggle to pay our gas bill always look wistfully to the day when we can pay said bill, but tonight at 10, CNBC takes us into a world where something as picayune as $4.55 per gallon is as momentous as a molecule on a mote of dust on a mite's middle toe.

The world of super duper rich.

This hour begins with a Rolls show, and ends with the stark screen graphic that tells us the average salary is $26,323, but the 400 richest Americans are worth a total $214 billion which is more than the GNP of 149 nations. "Super Rich" is filled with such stats, and after a while they'll drift away from your plain of consciousness, as if they are just more numbers in a sea, nay, universe, of grandiose figures and outsize bank-rolls. Forty-nine thousand households have net worths of between $50 and $500 mill, and 125,000 between $25 and $50 mill. In 1985, there were 13 billionaires from sea to shining sea; now there are more than a thousand.

Millionaires are the mere middle class rich and barely merit inclusion here; this is the rarefied world of wealth, where a billion is a nice pile of peanuts, but you're only really interesting when your pile is up to ten billion. The show - narrated by vet CNBC reporter, David Faber - profiles many of these people and - my suggestion - bring your sunglasses because every one of them seems to have a taste for gold lame.

There's Tim Durham, who confides that it costs 23 grand to change a tire on his Bugatti (he's got 70 cars scattered about, each one worth more than your house, twice over...). There's Glenn Stearns, a poor kid from Maryland now worth - I think I heard the program right - $100 billion. Maybe $100 million. Whatever. There's Anthony Scaramucci, of Manhasset worth only $80 million; he seems like he's almost a pauper in this crowd. These are people who go on vacation to places like Parrot Cay (above) where a lousy room costs two grand a day. Many make their lucre from hedge funds, and in fact, it seems like most do.

Bottom line: David Faber is one of the best financial reporters on TV, maybe the best, as far as I can tell, so you start out with the assumption that this will be a well-told hour that's richly - pun absolutely intended - reported. It is. But like all pornography, wealth pornography starts to wear thin after a while, no matter how skillful or thoughtful the treatment. Faber and his producers, it seems to me, do just about everything right: They offer perspective, talk to the right people (including Ron Chernow, the National Book Award-winning author and biographer of J.P. Morgan), ask the right questions, and provide the requisite beauty shots. But still something is missing, and that is opinion. A subject like this, at a time like this, absolutely demands a moral, or ethical, perspective, which can be summed up in one question: Is such wealth RIGHT? Or does it represent a serious failing on the part of a nation where so very many are struggling each and every minute? Hedge funds? Only the most excoriated financial instrument since Teapot Dome, but most of these people seem to have earned their money this new-fashioned way, by profiting off of others' misfortunes. Is that right? I'm not sure, but I think a question is merited. Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich, in his Harvard days, used to rail against the paper millionaires who didn't actually make anything. Do THESE people? And if they don't, isn't there a question to be asked, to wit: Is this kind of wealth and iniquity good for the longterm health of the economy and the country?

This hour is fascinating - but I do wish it would have taken another hour to go deeper, and hit harder.

There's so much more to say about George Carlin that it seems like a few little blog posts here and there, a Newsday appreciation by yours truly here, and a bounty of other tributes everywhere else seems almost insignificant.

So this morning, I have some more. First, my last word about "Seven Words." It was a routine that (for many) came to symbolize TV's rapid descent into vulgarity and coarseness. However, it's also well worth nothing that what Carlin did was to make a comment on the fact that the descent was already well under way; the point of the routine was that TV was already soaked in most of the words (notably the f-bomb) that he mentioned, but that the ever-hypocritical boob tube trafficked in euphemisms for those various words and acts. You couldn't say these words on TV -- merely demonstrate them. The point was about hypocrisy and remains valid today.

Now ... NBC set up a special site yesterday so that you can check out his entire monologue from the October '75 premiere of "SNL"; snippets of it are available in lotsa places, notably Hulu, but you get the full monologue here. What's notable about it, besides it being the first monologue on the most influential show in television history? In part, you can see exactly how deeply Seinfeld was affected by this guy. (Jerry, BTW, headlined a terrific and generous "Larry King Live" last night, which also had Roseanne Barr, Bill Maher and Lewis Black.)

Another benefit: You can see Carlin as adroit performer. We usually just seem to mention those words but forget this other aspect. Here's a quick clip, but if you want to see the whole thing, please go to the special NBC site ...

The Presumptive Nominee is a happy man right about now. He's fist-bumping whoever he's coming into contact with. He's thinking, "maybe I should make MICHELLE the vice president - hey, Hill was veep to Bill during two terms..." He's thinking, "what did Whoopi just say...Oh, it doesn't matter." He's thinking, "man, that dress was expensive but it was worth every PENNY." He's thinking, "behind every successful man, there's a woman...No, I better NOT think that. That's sexist as all get out. Hill would take me to town on that one...doesn't matter, she's not running anymore. Or is she...?"

Of course, I have no idea what the Presumptive Nominee is thinking. I only know what I am thinking: Michelle Obama's appearance on "The View" was a political slam dunk - a performance so adroit and so skillful and so savvy that the political attack dogs out there are writhing in agony. "Why couldn't SHE have said &%$*&@! instead of Whoopi," they're saying. "Why, why, WHHHYYY!!!???"

You know, I'm pretty certain (but, being a seat of the pants sort of blogger, not 100 percent certain) that millions of people suspect Michelle Obama is a Theresa Heinz type - the sort of significant o who just can't HELP but say something that will turn a hundred million Americans against her with just one verbal slip - or as Freud might say, a " lapsus linguae" that'll tell people what's really going on in her sub-conscious.

I'm no Freud, but her sub-conscious seems to match her conscious pretty nicely, if this outing was any indication. She was funny, smart, interesting and - most important - likeable. She even said nice and remarkably disarming stuff about Laura Bush. Michelle O - you don't mind if I call you "Michelle O," do you Michelle? - was seated in the middle of our kaffee klatch crew, and joked immediately (again, shrewdly) about the bump: "It's my signature bump," and Whoopi comes back with a good ice breaker (not that there was any ice to break) with, "you should be really happy it's not a chest bump."

Michelle O got all the hard questions almost before the first commercial break, which - from her perspective - is exactly when and where she wanted them.

How does she feel about all the attacks that have started up - the ones about her patriotism, etc? (Our "View" gals didn't dignify the ludicrous "whitey" slur with a question, to their great credit.)

"I take them in stride. It's part of the process. Of course I'm proud of my country. No where but in America could my story be possible. I'm a girl that grew up on the South Side of Chicago; my father was a working class guy who worked a shift all his life, and got two children through Princeton. He's now the coach of Oregon State - go Beavers! I tell people just imagine the pride that parents who didn't go to college felt through their own hard work to have us achieve the things they couldn't imagine. So I'm proud of my country without a doubt."

Now you may be as cynical as me, and think - "well, what do you expect her to say?" - to which I'd answer: I actually think she's being sincere.

Joy asked her the Hill/sexism question, as in - do you think that Hill was subjected to it during the campaign? Said Michelle O, "yes, people aren't used to strong women and at times we don't even know how to talk about them, so yes, and there were elements of racism that will go on [too.] I think Hillary Clinton has said she's created 18 million cracks in the ceiling and we need to keep pushing on it and keep pushing...so that when my girls come along they won't have to feel it as badly."

Masterful response. Notice the first use of "we," as if to suggest that even SHE might be complicit in this whole sexism thing.

Next up, Babs asked the 'ol "should Hill be veep?" question.

Michelle O stepped up to the plate, squared away, and saw a big fat pitch come right down the middle - without ANY heat or motion - connected, and sent that sucker right into the parking lot:

"My answer, and people have asked me this before, is that the one thing that a nominee earns is a right to pick the vice president that they think will best reflect their vision for the country. And I'm just glad I will have nothing to do with it."

Oh, you're good, Michelle O. You're very good.

(Above: AP photo.)

Tom Brokaw, the next moderator of "Meet the Press?"

Yes, the next moderator. As always, NBC News is luckiest news division - despite what happened last Friday just before 2 p.m. - simply by virtue of having Brokaw on its payroll. Once again, duty calls and if I know Brokaw, and I think I do, he'll answer that call as he's done so many times before.

There are so many reasons why Tom Brokaw should be the next moderator of "Meet the Press" - at least on what might be called a "transitional basis" - that the best way to lay them out is a list, so here goes.

1.) Soothing for viewers AND the network: The death of Tim Russert is, like any death, disruptive, but this one was profoundly so. Russert manned this program for seventeen years and manned it brilliantly. He WAS the face of Sunday morning, to a large degree, and WAS the face of NBC's political coverage. As a result, NBC needs a new face that is also profoundly familiar and trusted. There's only one at NBC which comes to mind.

2.) Brokaw knows the territory. He, like Russert, is an encyclopedia of political fact and trivia, so much so that he's had to bat down rumors for literally decades that he would run for office from home state South Dakota. Moreover, Brokaw has worked by Russert's side, on-screen and off, for nearly twenty-five years. No one knows the rhythm of this coverage better than Brokaw.

3.) No one else is ready. This is beyond self-evident. Of course, there will be the insta-rumor that Katie Couric is up for the gig, but any whiff of positioning on her part will kill this possibility so quickly that heads will spin. Yes, NBCU topper Jeff Zucker wants her back at NBC, or so I believe, and maybe for a role at MSNBC. Katie wants the 9 p.m. "Live" slot on CNN - that I believe too. Now, "Meet the Press" will be considered almost a certainty too. But she won't be back, if ever, at NBC until next year. NBC needs someone next week. The others? Chris Matthews? Never ready for this job - he's too cable. David Gregory? Smart guy and first-rate interviewer, while his agent would dearly love him to replace Matt Lauer one of these days. I say - as good as he is - the guy's got "trust" issues with viewers who are pretty good at reading faces on the tube. Gregory's not ready for this job, and maybe never. Brian Williams? No. Absolutely, no. Viewers - and NBC staffers - will see it as a part time gig for him, and one to which he will devote neither all his time nor energy. He'll fly down to Washington on Fridays, and back to NYC on Sundays; this schedule would devalue his role at "Nightly," and you can't have that.

4.) He'll answer the call. I think and believe Brokaw will. He'll need assurance, and I'm sure get it, that this is only a temporary measure, say for six months or at most a year. He'll get the assurance too that NBC will offer try-outs to others, so that someone else will be ready to step in the moment he's ready to move aside. He won't want this forever, but maybe he'll grow into it. I've always believed - and still do - that Brokaw needs more work, even though his doc unit keeps him very busy. On some level, one that even he won't admit to, he misses the "Nightly" tonic - the stardom, influence, excitement, rush. Brokaw, meanwhile, is a terrific multi-tasker in the game of life: He can work very hard, and play pretty much the same way. (His idea of "play," of course, is running the rapids in some wild river out west.) This shouldn't be a major pull for him, again if it lasts only through election.

5.) Brokaw will get the bigshots to appear. Sure - you say - anyone would wanna come on "Meet." But what about the other Sunday shows? They compete for guests too, and without a major player at the helm of "MTP," those guests may be more disposed to appearing on ABC or CBS. With the eminence at the helm - that would be Tom - "MTP" will be better positioned to meet this immediate challenge.

6.) Brokaw will be handling much political coverage through November anyway - this will make him both sharper, and give the network more gravitas in the process, much as David Brinkley did for ABC News. So, Tom as anchor of "MTP" through inauguration, and THEN hand-off to someone else.

7.) Finally, Brokaw is the choice that will most completely, and most deeply, honor Russert. Yes, I leave this until last, even though it may be the most important reason of them all. There is only a handful of on-air people left in this business who exemplify the glory of the Big Three network news divisions of decades past. Bob Schieffer is one. Russert was another. And Brokaw is the last. It's a very abbreviated list for the simple reason that the heavyweights are all gone. Even Mike Wallace will likely NEVER appear on the air again. "Meet the Press" is network television's oldest program, born in the half-light of this industry's creation. It crept out of the primordial ooze, so to speak, and became, instantly, a vitally important program in news and politics. Russert intuitively believed that, consciously understood it, and adjusted his professional bearing accordingly to meet that vital role. This is why Russert was so successful, and why the mourning that we now see on NBC's air (and elsewhere) is so genuine. There's only one person who similarly understands "Meet the Press's" role and who can meet it accordingly, and imbue it with the symbolism that it so richly deserves. You know by now who that person is.

Well, Tom. What's your answer?

I'm back!

(Or, Gay said grimly to himself, I'm back.)

"What?" (Says you.) "You were gone? I didn't even notice."

Oh, you're a clever one. I appreciate the wit. In fact, this blog was handled in my absence by my able and hardworking editor and colleague, Andy Edelstein. I was on something called a "vacation." I highly recommend it.

I was down in North Carolina. You're not going to believe this, but they don't have TV down in North Carolina. For entertainment, they run through the woods, shooting at wild boars (or so I'm told.) "American Idol?" They think it's some sort of wild boar. Never heard of it. Flava Flav? They think that's some kinda sody pop. "Dancing with the Stars." They like to dance with the moonshine down in North Carolina, if ya know what I mean.

Actually, I'm kidding. They do have TV.

It's just that I forgot to watch it. I also highly recommend that on occasion. (TV Turnoff week BTW began yesterday.)

But we need to catch up, and since all of you depend solely on this blog for news about the TV industry and other assorted chicanery, let's just go through everything as quickly as possible.

Kristy Lee: Did you hear? Ha. Ha. Of course you heard. My God, she finally got voted off. The only thing that gobsmacked me about this was - what took so long? I'm pretty certain votefortheworst - those scamps - kept her in the hunt this long. She wasn't bad, this FOB (Friend of Britney), she just wasn't as good as the rest. Plus, Michael Johns gone before KL? Jeez.

ABC News debate: I hear that Charlie Gibson showed up dressed in a clown costume and George Stephanopoulos was in some sort of court jester get-up. Very odd. They asked the candidates about stuff like their pin lapels and what sort of cereal they eat, and this hugely important question: Pizza: thin crust or regular? The debate was roundly panned! Apparently viewers thought the two anchors had trivialized the whole process. Imagine.

Tony Snow joins CNN: This is good news cuz it means the guy has beaten his cancer AGAIN. He's an amazing guy and I'm happy for him. But some people will interpret this to mean that Fox News - where he worked all those years - got bushwhacked (so to speak) by its arch-rival. In fact, I kinda doubt that - FNC and Snow never got along. It was a truly poisonous relationship.

"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles:" Re-newed! Yes, that's huge news. I thought this bubble had burst, but nooo. Fox just announced this, plus dropped the additional news (no biggie) that Brian Austin Green is gonna be a series regular too.

Prez Bush on "Deal or No Deal:" I missed this, getting in from the moonshine state a little too late. But yes, the thought occurred to me as well. If Howie Mandel decides to step aside for any reason, I think I've got a perfect replacement for him. Plus, this has never been done - although Bill Clinton once thought of doing a talk show.

Gary Dourdan Leaving "CSI:" Holy cow (again.) This is true. I don't fully understand why. He's smart enough not to ask for a raise - ya know what Billy Petersen does to people who ask for a raise on his show. I'm guessing it's the old standby reason: ratings decline, show-runners decide to shake up cast...

Above: Me on vacation! Actually, Brian Austin Green on vacation. Not for long - he's got a fulltime gig on "Sarah Connor."

Come on, come on, come on, people. Get a grip!

GET A GRIP!

The exit of Michael Johns is not, repeat not, shocking.

Yet why has the morning buzz turned to a morning roar - that Johns exit was like some sort of amazing turn, totally unexpected, profoundly terrible, etc.? Michael Johns' exit has become, all of a sudden, this season's Next Big Flap, the First Big Flap being lap dancing pictures-or-whatever of David Hernandez.

I just saw Kelly Ripa do a Paula - Omygod omygod omygod (goes Kelly). He was a latter day JIM MORRISON.

What? Kelly, you were born like 30 years after Morrison died. How would you know what Jim Morrison was like.

I knew Jim Morrison. Michael Johns was no Jim Morrison.

Now, let's put this in proper proportion, shall we? It was a "surprise." Just a surprise. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I mean, come on. He wasn't going to win "American Idol." David Archuleta is going to win "American Idol." That is so certain, so writ in stone, so don't-even-bother-arguing-with-me (because I'll just plug my ears and go "neeener neeener neeener...not listening...not listening") that I've even written my lead for the story the night he wins. Here it is:

"David Archuleta won 'American Idol' last night."

Catchy, isn't it? You're right. I'll work on it.

But here's my point (and I do have one): Michael Johns was good, but not great. His last few outings have been blah. Aerosmith on Tuesday? Blah blah. Kristi Lee, who effectively LIVES in the bottom three, has actually gotten better - or better at getting more clever in song choice. Brooke - one of my early favorites - has gotten worse, to the point of awful. Yet she has so completely conned her fans with that sweet lil' ol' me act that they don't even hear her performances.

But Johns never seemed to work his fans, never worked the judges. He was a bit of a cypher, really, unreadable, inscrutable. The Great Sphinx of the seventh season.

Sometimes it's not just about the singing. Sometimes it's about selling yourself too. Johns never learned that little secret. That's why he's gone.

No shock. Just a surprise. And in hindsight, a small one.

Talked to someone late yesterday who's plugged into the CBS rumor mill, and one thought making the rounds is that Katie could be gone long before the various news reports have her gone. Conventional wisdom now stands that Katie stays through inauguration, and then leaves. But the crush of recent press may force the issue sooner, and the standout line in today's New York Times wrap is "in a few weeks."

A few weeks? At the outset of the May sweeps? Maybe even just in time for the Pennsylvania primary (April 22) which should be one of the biggest stories of the political season?

It's certainly possible, but maybe it's also worthwhile keeping a couple of thoughts in mind. If Katie's forced out, then CBS has to eat the balance of her contract, which is around $40 million. That's a far worse outcome than anyone at CBS wants to contemplate. In other words, this decision may pretty much be in Katie's hands - assuming CBS doesn't believe the recent press has caused so much damage to her and the franchise that it's WORTH $40 million to cut bait.

Another consideration: Who would replace her? It now seems pretty obvious that the network prevailed upon Bob Schieffer to postpone his retirement for just this reason. If Katie goes, the call will go out to Bob.

And another consideration still: How will he feel about that? Ever the trooper, he gracefully bowed out when Katie came aboard a couple years, yet I always believed that this was a reluctant exit. He'd never admit it, but Schieffer knew his stint was a success, knew he should have been in the chair years earlier, but out of deference to his friend, Dan Rather, never forced the issue. Schieffer had something to prove - that he had the chops and talent to be the heir to Cronkite - yet he never got the chance to fully prove it.

It was - if you will - an instance of anchor interrupted.

Now he'll be asked to save the franchise once again, knowing full well that he'll be shuffled aside as soon as they get the Next Anchor of "Evening News" (assuming they don't cancel the program outright.)

Schieffer, I imagine, has complicated feelings about this whole situation right about now.

Now that the jackals of the press - me! - have poor Katie Couric out the door, we are left with this inconvenient question: Who, ummm, will replace her?

I pondered that briefly this morning, while putting a few nails in the coffin of "Evening News," but here's one suggestion that occurred to me (or rather a friend more thoughtful on these matters:)

What about Ted?

I speak of Koppel, who disappeared into the bowels of the Discovery Channel two years ago and has been in the witness protection program ever since. (No, really, he's done a bunch of thoughtful documentaries, and remains pretty much in the game.)

What about Ted? Has anyone called him. Do they know what he's thinking? Is he on ANYONE'S radar at CBS? There are advantages (and disadvantages, perhaps) and I lay them out now:

1.) He's the right demographic. That's right - white male of advanced middle age. Rather elderly people watch these newscasts, and they sometimes prefer same in their anchors; sometimes, but not necessarily, with Brian Williams being the obvious exception.

2.) He's got that anchorly mien - the voice, the eyes, the head, the hair. It's a compleat anchor package, if you will, but not a compleat Ron Burgundy blow-dried anchor package.

3.) He's done it all. Ted is embued with almost exactly 30 years of big-league-anchor-experience; "Nightline" was birthed during the Iranian hostage crisis, and he didn't miss much of a stride over those thirty years (though he had plenty of experience, at State, and elsewhere at ABC News.)

4.) He could come cheap. No $15 million anchor man here! Pay his production company a million bucks a year, and all he has to do is read a telePrompter every night for a half hour (plus another half hour for the west coast feed.) I don't think Ted is greedy, honestly. (I don't think Katie is either, but ...)

Disadvantages:

1.) He's not off the CBS News farm. This is important: To be hugely successful at CBS News, one must have spent the vast bulk of one's career there; there are a couple of exceptions (sure, Mike Wallace worked for ABC back in the dark ages), but for the most part this holds true. CBS News has a unique culture - to a certain extent, it is bottled up and walled off; David Burke, a one-time news president and transplant from ABC, once told someone he couldn't understand the place - there were metaphoric walls everywhere that he didn't know how to get around. He didn't last any time at all. CBS News is not kind to outsiders - that's just the way it is - and Ted would be an outsider.

2.) Ted probably wouldn't want to do it. Yeah, he'd be flattered to get the call (he ALWAYS is), but at the end of the day, he's got a great life - plus, ego stroking gets old - and he doesn't need the camera like others who shall remain nameless. CBS has come after him before - he once told someone (I forget who) that he'd never work for Larry Tisch. Could he work for Sumner and Leslie?

Okay, that's all I've got for now. Four advantages versus two disadvantages - maybe someone at CBS SHOULD think of Ted...

So we've got another major newspaper story on the departure of Katie Couric after the inauguration - yesterday's appeared on WSJ.com (and today's editions of the Journal.) It repeats - almost uncannily in fact - the exact same story that appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer last fall under the by-line of Gail Shister; it was Shister's swansong on the TV beat and included an unnamed source who predicted (confidentially) Katie's departure.

That story was combustible and carried - I'm fairly certain - the exact same denial as yesterday's WSJ - no changes are contemplated, and Katie's not leaving, etc.

In other words, both stories are true - absolutely true. Katie will be gone by next January.

But here's the question both stories studiously ignored, and it's the far more important question: What about the "Evening News?" What about TV's most storied newscast - the one once anchored by Walter Cronkite (and Dan Rather) and the one that once dominated the American news industry much as the New York Times does today.

What about "The CBS Evening News?"

My educated hunch - and it's only a hunch - is that while the network "sources" can confidentially predict the exit of another anchor (and what really is an anchor other than a newsreader? They're expendable) but they can't even consider the other possibility, as if the very mention of it would invite a bolt of lightning from the heavens: What if CBS cancels "The Evening News?"

I (and others) have called this the nuclear option, and many people have speculated about it for years - always inviting derision. But here, now, for your consideration is the cold, hard truth: The world of news no longer has a sacred cow. The cows have all been butchered and the hamburger is arriving at dinner tables as we speak. Nothing is writ, nothing is forever, nothing...gimme a minute and I'll think of another cliche. CBS could, in fact, cancel "The Evening News." It's a possibility and one I'm confident they've considered.

The real question about Katie isn't about whether she's going to leave - she is, get over it - but who will replace her. Another cold hard truth: There is no one in the wings. No one. No one at CBS. No one anywhere else. There are certainly intriguing possibilities out there. George Stephanopoulos? I think he'd be a viable candidate but don't you think ABC has him under lock and key? Diane Sawyer? That might work too - except that Diane, possessed of many many talents, does not possess the talent of anchoring. Bob Schieffer - one of the most gifted anchors in the world? He wanted to retire (sort of) but CBS didn't even have candidates to replace HIM on "Face the Nation," and now he's sticking around. Russ Mitchell? Excellent anchor and smart guy - too bad viewers don't even know who he is.

To show you how incredibly dry this well is, the former president of CBS News once stumped for John Roberts - Roberts! Who can't even draw viewers to CNN's morning program.

So, if there's no one to anchor "The Evening News" then can there be an "Evening News?"

You may say, "well, Gay, you're thinking like an old fool as usual - this is the new world of TV news! You don't need an old fashioned anchor monster. Put your money into field reporting - do a different broadcast. Counter-program!"

A great point (and I may indeed be an old fool), but...unfortunately, "The Evening News" is beholden to the conventions of the industry because it created those conventions. It is a creature of the '60s and '70s, when millions sat down to watch an evening news program anchored by one godlike and profoundly trusted figure. To dispel this convention means dispelling the economic underpinnings of the program; in other words, without the conventions (like a giant anchor-monster) it can't then pay for itself, and no longer has a reason, economically speaking, to exist. I think this may be called a catch-22.

One more point and then I'll let you go on with your day: for years, people said these evening news programs existed for political purposes, as sops to the FCC or congressmen eager for face time. That no longer holds water either; "we have '60 Minutes;' we have 'Face the Nation,' we have 'Sunday Morning...'" They have, in other words, other shows that also cover the news (and make money for the corporation in the process.)

There's a rumor at CBS that Sean McManus will leave his role as news chief to go back to sports full-time early next year too. The loss of Katie - AND "The Evening News" - very well may be his legacy.

The people at "The Office" need help! The people at NBC need help! They've gone ahead and ordered a spinoff of the show and - as best as the press could tell - don't have the slightest damn idea what it's going to be about.

Or do they? Some unnamed source - not saying who - got a copy of this top-secret memo from Ben Silverman, which he/she has sent to my colleague Andy Edelstein and me. Personally, I think some of these ideas are idiotic - others, not so bad. You be the judge.

MEMO: To Jeff Zucker, Greg Daniels, et al.

RE: Office Spin-Off

FROM: Silverman

We need a plan, gang. Need it fast.Super Bowl's fast approaching. I've cooked up these thoughts for a spin-off. Need reax pronto. B.S.

"Dwight Schrute: The Beet Generation:" It turns out that Dwight's twin brother WASN'T reabsorbed in the wound, but was actually born, grew up, and lived in the farmhouse antic. He's a weirder version of Dwight - watches re-runs of "Good Times!" over and over - and his name is Dwight too. Anyway, Dwight returns to run the farm full time with Dwight and Moses; they grow beets and pot.

"Jan's Plan:" After the lawsuit, etc. Jan moves out - the thing with Michael just wasn't gonna work out and she needed to restart her life. She moves to Altoona to start her own paper company - direct competitor to Dunder Mifflin - and many hilarious scenes whereby Jan and Michael compete, eventually get back together again, etc. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Michael: After Dark:" With his love life back in the toilet, Michael's a swinging bachelor again. This spin-off explores what he does at night - hitting Scranton's many hot-spots, occasionally getting to Altoona where he runs into Jan...

"Touched by an Angela:" Angela's hot! That's right. You heard me. She's hot - a lusty, luscious lovely babe in the after-hours. Plus, she gets pregnant - a shocker! Front page coverage in the NY papers, or at least PA papers, is guaranteed. Angela Lansbury promises to do a cameo. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Love Booze Cruise:" Captain Jack is back! And this time, they're having a rockin' great time on Lake Wallenpaupak, where the booze runs freely and so does the love. Michael and gang return for another office party and...Sorry, not sure where this goes from here.

"Andy and Angela:" You've always wanted to know "what if...?" What IF Andy and Angela "get it on." What IF they're a couple. Here's the show! They get married, have a nice home life, have baby ("little Andy"), start new jobs in different offices...HILL-arious situational comedy ensues. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Missus...Missuss Jones:" Rashida Jones is back. She's the manager of a new office paper supply company in Scranton, and does everything in her power to scuttle the Jim/Pam thing. (Plus, I think R's tight with Foo Fighters, Maroon 5 in real life - cameos! cameos! cameos!) Plus, Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Creed:" Agreed, it's a tough sell to advertisers. We do a whole show based on Creed! There's so much possibility here. Who really is Creed? What does he do in his off-hours? Does he really live in Toronto (so he can stay on the dole in the Canada?) What really happened to his missing toe? Did he really run cults? Has he been in jail? There are many possibilities here, though still working out love interest angle . (Meredith? Not sure. Just spit-balling here. Open to ideas) Plus have already talked with Creed Bratton's agent; think we can get him cheap. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

[Note to reader: We can't vouch for authenticity of this memo; may be another one of those hoaxes that are perpetrated on the Internets. But we had to share anyway.]

So, you're all sitting there wondering how the recently concluded writers strike is gonna be reflected on the TV screen over the next few weeks?

I can think of no better example than the one I am about to relay - ripped from the headlines, so to speak, and roaring (also so to speak) to a TV show near you in the not-too-distant future.

It involves "Law & Order" - TV's greatest headline larcenist - and its gifted veteran show-runner, Rene Balcer.

Here's the story. Early this year, during the dimmest days of the strike, Balcer was walking the picket lines outside the front gates of Fox studio lot when some moron in a shark-skin suit who was behind the wheel of an 8,000 SUV decided to teach Balcer a lesson - he ran into him. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to inflict the fear of God and SUVs into Balcer. The guy got out of the car, and a good old fashioned brawl ensued. Cameras - unfortunately - were not present, but in my imagination, Balcer decked the guy, strapped him to the roof of his SUV, and then put a large brick on the accelerator... Buh-bye shark-skin suit moron and SUV...

That last part actually didn't happen. I made it up. Sorry. But Balcer is going to exact cold revenge over the hit-and-run incident (another reason why it's never a good idea to pick a fight with someone who runs a major TV production...)

Rene told me last week that "I'm ripping from my own headline" by producing a strike episode that'll feature some "very obnoxious loudmouth picketer" who is killed while walking the picket lines...

The picketer's actually a legal aid who's on strike, and after all these legal aides go on strike, defense attorneys are dragooned into doing their work - so there's some very unhappy people all around, which means "motive."

Says Balcer, "one of the strikers gets run over, coincidentally - it never happens in real life [though.]"

He says he was inspired by David Letterman, who included Balcer in his monologue the night he got hit: "The day the thing happened, he mentioned in his monologue that a writer for 'Law & Order' got hit, and then said - 'you know what? It would be a terrific 'Law & Order.'"

Rene says he knows who the guy was - a lower-level suit - and he assured me: "It wasn't Peter Chernin."

Oh, praise be: She's here. Finally. I really couldn't wait another hour - and you do know that it's been just about a month (March 5) since we first told you this announcement was going to come.

It's here. Kathie Lee Gifford is joining "The Today Show." Her new gig was just announced on the air - the impending bombshell (no silly, the NEWS, not HER) was teased prominently on the local news and then by Matt and Meredith. Then, boom, there it was, or rather, there she was: KLG. First day is April 7, and she'll be host of the fourth hour of "Today."

(No, this is not an April's Fool Joke; April 1's tomorrow.)

She's fearless, said Matt, "and from time to time a little untamed. She's always marched to the beat of a different drummer." (Cliche alert!)

She appeared on set with the rest of the crew, and actually had an amusing pre-written joke: She's back "just in time for HDTV."

Come on! She looked pretty darned good,actually. Matt asked her why she's coming back now: Her answer was something along the lines of, kids are older, Hoda Kotb talked her into it, Cody's going to college, etc.

"Timing is everything in life," she said.

OK.

Matt asked if Frank (the Giff) was "cool with this?" "Are you kidding," KLG responded, yukking it up already with the new gang.

Of course he's cool with it, and he's writing a book too, etc. She cracked a lame joke about him being a "tight end" (old joke, she used it before), got groans, said "I'm in trouble already," and some more blah blah blah, and that was it.

You didn't miss anything. Trust me.

Why KLG? Why not? Like her or not, she's a pretty good broadcaster and knows how to roll with the nuttiness of morning TV. Plus, the fourth hour of "Today" (FHOTS) has been essentially forgettable, until now: It's kind of a watered down version of the third hour, which is kind of a watered down version of the second,which is...

Here's quickly what I posted March 5, when this news first broke (a Fla-based site, FTV, had the news first; we confirmed): Hard to believe but it's been nearly eight years since KLG lost her bully pulpit ("Live!); her last day was July 28, '00, and during that last frenetic farewell broadcast, Reeg said: This "was the most relentless, exhausting farewell in the history of TV." She also told him she wanted to return some day (she did a few years later, for a reunion). "I hope there will be an opportunity to come back" as co-host, she said. "To think I couldn't come back would break my heart more than leaving."

During that show, Reeg or someone also asked her about the relentless tabloid coverage, which (supposedly) hastened her departure after 15 years on "Live!" Those reports, she said, "always come from a miserable heart; I can only feel sorry for a miserable heart." (Actually, those reports came from a truthful heart, but maybe miserable too.)

Uh - someone who's as famous as me won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

Which is another way of saying - someone you never heard of won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

I'd like to tell you who it was, but - being that he's so non-famous - I can't quite recall who it is.

Good God, why didn't Trumpster ask Britney to be in "Celebrity Apprentice?" If she'd won, then I'd remember the name - AND be able to run a bunch of pictures, of the kind of before/after variety (like maybe Britney with make-up, or Brit without.)

If someone from Long Island won, I'd have worked all night to write the story for today's "wood" (the front page.) But I don't think this Celebrity Apprentice has ever even been to Long Island; not sure he's even HEARD of it. (Note to self: Ask him in conference call later.)

OK, his name is Piers Morgan. He's a great guy, and raised over $500,000 for his chosen charity, Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

Anyway, I like Piers - or I should say, I'm jealous of Piers; he's a former journalist who's made quite a career for himself hosting reality game shows for his buddy Simon Cowell (note to self: Ask Piers during conference call how to get in touch with Simon, to find out how Newsday TV writer might get lucrative job as host of "America's Got Talent.")

Piers, a Brit, has been in a lot of shows, mostly on the other side of the Pond. My favorite titles: "You Can't Fire Me, I'm Famous," "Comic Relief: The Apprentice," "The Dame Edna Treatment," "Death of Celebrity" and "The Importance of Being Famous."

Alas, these last two lasted only one episode.

But I'd pay bucks for a look at "The Dame Edna Treatment."

So here's to you, Piers. You deserved to win last night. I only wish you were a celebrity. (Note to self: Ask Trumpster during conference call to please beg Britney Spears to join next season's edition of "Celebrity Apprentice." )

(Above: no, Britney Spears did not win "Celebrity Apprentice," but as you can see, she takes better pictures than the guy, left, who did.)

Funny, but here I'm thinking NBCU bossman Jeff Zucker is putting the finishing touches on NBC's all-reality-all-the-time fall schedule (to be unveiled next week; I can hardly wait) and instead I find out he's been taping promos for "My Name is Earl."

It's getting quite a bit of pick-up, which I believe is the intended purpose, and a little bit of criticism (Nikki Finke wondered whether he was insane), which was probably not an intended purpose.

In any event, I think it's harmless. You be your own judge:

I've gone and done it again: Sparked a riotous raucous debate over something due to both my ignorance and innocence.

The debate: David Cook or Chris Cornell?

Neither needs an intro (ok, DC is the "Idol" front runner, per my unofficial count and reading of the Zeitgeist.) Cornell is - of course - one of the truly great rockers; I remember him mostly, I guess, best from his Soundgarden days although you young 'uns out there may first think of Audioslave (and let's not forget Temple of the Dog, shall we?)

Anyway - silly me - I didn't know he'd done a classic version of "Billie Jean," since turning solo, which DC performed on Tuesday; it was an "Idol" high point, and absolutely the moment that pulled DC into the front ranks this season. A bunch of smart readers told me that it wasn't only NOT original but that Ryan Seacrest even credited Cornell.

So here's my big question of the moment: Which "Billie Jean" version is better? After an exhaustive search - roughly 0.34 seconds on Youtube - I came up with about half a dozen versions of Cornell's "BJ." Sampled most of 'em, and offer you this one; the version's wonderful and exotic and raw as my old sneaker.

So what say you friends? Cornell or DC? I'm happy to report (as a DC fan), it's not such an easy choice as you might imagine...

(And since we're on a Chris Cornell kick for the moment, here's a great clip of "Revelations;" wonder if DC'll ever try this?)

(Above, Cornell in earlier days, in Rolling Stone; thanks to Destructogirl for the clip.)

I love to spread rumors as much as the next blogger, and this one I can't resist: Is Carly Smithson pregnant?

My incredibly hard-working colleague, Eileen Fredes, brought this beauty to my attention recently - telling me that it was so widespread that even WNYW/5 checked in on it last night at 10. Sure enough, it's raging across the Internets as we speak...

What does this mean? Plenty. First of all - if true - then Carly very likely WON'T be joining the "Idol" tour this summer (as Eileen pointed out). Also, why the rumors now? If true, then will this work to Carly's benefit? In other words, is this pregnancy a good career move?

I'm one of Smithson's big 'ol fans - I think she's wonderful, even if she's a pro who once had a big fat MCA contract, and couldn't even sell ten records. But I think she has a squishy fan base and may well be voted off tonight. Imagine! Ramiele (or Christy) stays but Carly goes.

What a world. As soon as I find out more about this "developing story" (as Drudge might say), I'll let you know.

(Update: Per an "AI" spokesman, "We dont comment on the personal lives of our contestants."

That's right. I'm not kidding - like I'd kid about something like this. NBC will announce its fall schedule next week, or about two months ahead of everyone else.

Yes, this is unprecedented and a little nutty, or maybe a lot nutty. I mean: Why next week? What's the logic? Why not the week after? And will we viewers - me and you - really remember any of this six months from now?

Boy, I wanna sip of what they've got in them watercoolers out in Burbank.

Anyway, why wait till next week? I've got the schedule right here, right now (let's just say your faithful correspondent has spies in VERY IMPORTANT places.) Here it is. Don't hold me to this - my source may have been gulping that Burbank watercooler juice for all I know:

Monday: "Deal or No Deal" (8 p.m.); "Deal or No Deal" (9); "My Dad is Better than Your Dad" (10).

Tuesday: "Deal or No Deal" (8); "My Mom is Better than Your Mom" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Wednesday: "The Biggest Loser: 7" (8); "The Biggest Loser: Mixed Couples;" "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Thursday: "American Gladiators" (8); "American Gladiators: All Stars!!" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Friday: "The Singing Bee: Moms Vs. Dads" (8); "Celebrity Apprentice" (9); "Celebrity Apprentice:" All Stars" (10).

Saturday: "Deal or No Deal" (encore night.)

Sunday: "Deal or No Deal" (7); "America's Got Talent: All-Stars" (8); "American Gladiators: Deal or No Deal Edition" (9); "Deal or No Deal: Gladiators Edition" (10.)

A little late catching up with "Idol" today (ok, a lot late), but this is one of those blog entries where you sort of feel that you have to jump on board the band wagon along with everyone else. Last night was a particularly interesting edition, and now, I can officially declare right here in the confines of TV Zone: David Cook is the absolute front-runner.

How do you determine these things? (I ask myself.) It's in the air, the zeitgeist, the whatever, (I reply to myself.) It's just THERE. But Archie has suddenly become passe, or vulnerable. It's strange how these things happen, but they just do; blame the ol' Zeitgeist. Honestly, I thought Cook's rendetion of "Billy Jean" was the stand-out moment this season - the one we'll remember a month from now, perhaps, maybe longer. It was "original" - but "good" original.

(BTW, I have to share this fascinating comment from Rushhoursoul, just received: "I loved David Cook's performance but if you have ever heard Chris Cornell's - Soundgarden, Audioslave - version of "Billie Jean" from 'Unplugged in Sweden 2006' then David's version is not terribly original." And - oh boy - read Lisa's less-polite dismissal of my Cook endorsement. I disgree with her, but she picks up the Cornell ref too.)

Meanwhile, who goes tonight? Here's my list from first (the most likely) to fourth (least likely). It's a tough call, and number one on my list is one of my favorites, but cruel are the "Idol" gods, and capricious too. (And if you missed DC's "Billy Jean," it follows):

1.) Carly Smithson.

2.) Chikeze

3.) Ramiele Malubay

4.) Kristy Lee Cook (for once, almost certainly safe, considering her remarkably clever and effective performance last night; if this "Idol" thing doesn't work out - I've got a career suggestion for CLC - as a TV executive.)

(Above, the winner. Randy's right.)

I've received a lot of reader comments - which in my humble realm means about three - concerning the cancellation of CBS's "Kid Nation." Now, I was initially cheered by news of this cancellation, considering how bad the show is.

But I'm in the minority. Turns out, there's a whole nation of "Kid Nation" fans, who are angry at CBS for canceling their favorite show. Some of them are distraught, and the reason I'm writing this blog entry is because last night, I got this comment from Kim: "MY LIVE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO..."

Well, take heart, Kim. It IS worth living, and there is a possible solution here. CBS may have canceled this show, but there are options. Consider how fans of "Jericho" extended that worthy's life for an extra seven episodes? They sent bags of nuts to CBS executives. Sick of the nut tsunami, they relented.

So here's an idea for "KN:" Send your kids.

It's simple. Put them in a large box, and tape it up well, but be sure to put some holes in it so they can breath. For food, add a couple of Domino's pizzas (cheese only, no toppings - they can get messy.) Don't forget the iPod.

This could work. Seriously. Les Moonves - and I suppose Julie Chen - will be driven crazy by the crowd of noisy needy little buggers - all those fights over which favorite show to watch, and constant demands to buy Guitar Hero or Miley Cyrus tickets. CBS'll throw in the towel by the upfronts, and "KN" will be on the fall schedule - and maybe they'll stick your kids in it!

This isn't an original idea. Someone at New York Magazine recently suggested sending hair to ABC executives as a plan to save "Cavemen." It didn't work.

Kids will work. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kim.

Here's the address:

CBS Studios: 7800 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, CA. 90036

You woke up this morning, wondering. "Why were the Jonas Brothers on 'DWTS' last night? Why was something that coulda been, shoulda been over in ten seconds, expanded to two full bloated insanely dull hours...? And I was so sick of all the padding and commercials that I went to bed early, and now don't even have a clue who got voted off last night?"

And that, my friends, is what I was put on this earth for: To tell you who got voted off of "Dancing with the Stars" last night...

Without any further padding of my own...and I do mean, no padding...they were...

Drum roll...

(Isn't this exciting...?)

Oops, I forgot. I already put their names in the headline.

That's right: Big Boy, or Big Foot, or Young Frankenstein. AKA Penn Jillette. He's gone. And so is Monica Seles.

This is not a surprise. I repeat: This is not a surprise. Reason is that at this early stage, if you have a really lousy judge score (counting for one half of your total) it's just about impossible to muster much audience support either. They had the lowest scores, ergo...adios.

But I'll still miss Big Foot. Comic relief is important in shows bloated to a full two hours. Plus, I was hoping he'd regale the audience at some point with his own version of "The Aristocrat."

(Above, great players do not always make great dancers...)

Well, I'm thinking tonight's double-elimination is probably one of the easiest calls in "DWTS" history. First of all, Monica. Great tennis player. Not great dancer. Last night was a deal-sealer, because whatever she did...I don't even fully recall...was not so much a display of incompetence as much a display of boredom. "This dancing business...ho hum...couldn't be bothered..." She's scored (I believe) 15 two weeks in a row, which simply means she'd need an extraordinary audience turn-out to overcome the judge liability.

That won't happen.

And...Penn. Comedy on the dance floor is fine - but trick ties, and voodoo dolls, and other tricks of the comedian/magician trade become distractions almost as much as the size 22 feet. Again, the judges penalized him last night (no score ever given for "comedy timing") which means another massive turn-out by viewers is needed. That just won't happen either.

Why not Carolla? Good question, and you could certainly call it a toss-up, I imagine, but there was a whole lotta redeeming going on last night. The "Mitch" business as a way of explaining away his "bitch" comment to Carrie Ann? That might just annoy viewers, while a simple apology might've worked a hell of a lot better. Who'll for for AC - who displayed major improvement last night BTW? Maybe radio fans. But that's a real stretch.

But only two can go tonight and my picks are Penn and Monica.

Here's Monica one more time; can't bear to watch Penn again...

Woke up early this morning, actually last night, from troubled dreams. In my fevered sleep, imagined the world today was heaping great mountains of praise on Britney Spears. "A triumph!," says the Times, in an above the fold review. "Scintillating, sly, sexy," says USA Today, equally full of delusion. "The beginning of the beginning," enthused Variety. "Last night, 'How I Met Your Mother.' Next year, could Oscar be knocking on Britney's door!"

Then, I awoke with a start. A dream, I mumbled. No, a NIGHTMARE. Britney everywhere, in my dreams, like some horrifying apparition. That last line, "can we have some sex and then go shopping?" repeating in an endless loop in my brain, and each time I groan in horror that someone actually wrote that.

Britney, Britney, BRITNEY!

Anyway, to make this long nightmare short, I got up, turned on "GMA," and there's Diane Sawyer: "And last night, Britney's acting debut, to heaps of PRAISE!!"

Aaaarrrggghhh! I had entered my own "Groundhog's Day." Just me and Brit - going around and around forever, me watching an endless re-run cycle of "How I Met Your Mother," her saying, "...then go shopping...then go shopping...then..."

I'm feeling much better though because at least (I realized) KFed wasn't on last night's show.

And that, friends, is that: CBS has pulled the plug on "Jericho," ending one of the more extraordinary tales of survival in recent TV history.

Here's the official statement from Nina Tassler, CBS chief, and - cynical beast that I am - I'd still say that it's sincere and heartfelt:

"The March 25th episode of Jericho will be the series finale. Without question, there are passionate viewers watching this program; we simply wish there were more. We thank an engaged and spirited fan base for keeping the show alive this long, and an outstanding team of producers, cast and crew that went through creative hoops to deliver a compelling, high quality second season. We have no regrets bringing the show back for a second try. We listened to our viewers, gave the series an opportunity to grow, and the producers put a great story on the screen. We're proud of everyone's efforts."

Well, really: This whole thing was a long shot, but what a story nevertheless. When CBS killed the show after the first season ('06-'07), fans organized this quite literally nutty effort to get the webheads to change their minds. They sent millions and millions of nuts to them, inundating CBS offices in New York and LA, and finally getting execs to re-think the execution. They thought...more nuts came...and thought some more...more nuts came...and then, boom, they re-newed the show they had just canceled.

"Jericho" got only a seven-episode order, but fans hoped for more. Alas, ratings shriveled and Tassler pulled the trigger.

This is the end. Forever. Hold the nuts.

OK, so this may not be your cuppa tea, but it's a very big development in the New York arts community and in public TV here: WNET/13 debuts this Sunday its long-awaited "SundayArts" program.

First show up: New York City Opera's production of "Madama Butterfly" with James Valenti and Shu-Ying Li. There'll be opera every week (at noon), plus some other diversions along the way. Here's the line-up into April: "Great Performances at the Met: Hansel and Gretel" and "Peter and the Wolf" (3/30) - the latter, I believe, that Oscar-winning program set to Prokofiev; "Great Performances at the Met: Roméo et Juliette (4/6);" and "Great Performances at the Met: Macbeth (4/13)."

Dear old "SundayArts" - it's brand new, but it does feel "dear" and "old" already - will try to mix it up a little too. Here's a direct quote from a press release that my friends at 13 just sent: "Along with classic performances, [news] segments will feature on-the-scene reports from some of the hottest shows around town, plus profiles and interviews with the people who matter in the art world — from William Wegman, Wynton Marsalis and Metropolitan Opera chief Peter Gelb, to a Brooklyn chalk artist and a hip hop artist-poet."

Honestly, I think this'll be great - for those who have time Sundays at noon to watch.

Here's some great news from the world of television news: Bob Schieffer, one of the greats in CBS News history who indicated in a recent AP story that he was hanging it up at the end of this season, has had a change of heart.

And more big Schieffer news - he's at work on another book. His last - "This Just In: What I Couldn't Tell You on TV" - was one of most interesting and lively accounts of a journalist's life that I've ever read....

Here's what Bob told me in a recent email: "[CBS News prez] Sean McManus has asked me to rethink my decision so I am rethinking. We are working out the details but he has the basketball tournament to think about this week and I am away on vacation but it looks like I will stay around a bit longer.

" I would rather not say more about it until we get it all worked out. I got the galleys for the book last week and just sent them back to Neil Nyren, my editor at Putnam (also publisher of This Just In ) It is scheduled to be released in September, just after the political conventions. It is a collection of my commentaries from 'Face the Nation' and even includes some of the longer opinion pieces I wrote for CBS Radio way back in the '70s. The collection includes essays on everything from war and peace to advice to fathers on how to 'act normal' which was the order I got from my daughters when we held the first boy-girl party at our house."

Stop me if you've heard this story before but...last summer I was in this restaurant in Hollywood with one of my best friends on the planet (Mike Hruska) when who should casually stroll in but Harold Perrineau.

This entrance, after...a day at the Press Tour in Beverly Hills (how we suffered) where critics angrily confronted the boss of ABC Entertainment, Steve McPherson, when he refused (declined, perhaps is the better word) to tell them the huge secret about the new season of "Lost," because Darlton (Carlton Cuse/Damon Lindelof) planned to break the news to the nerds...errrr...the highly intelligent people down in Comic-Con, then being held at that very moment in San Diego.

Well, you just won't believe what happened: The critics started a full scale riot! They broke up the furniture. Started throwing their computers (laptops, to be exact.) Epithets were strewn about. A terrified McPherson reached for his cellphone and called Darlton; we overheard him: "Can I tell these nerds...errrr, highly intelligent people...the secret?" he said over the din.

He raised his hand. Suddenly, there was silence.

"Michael," he said, "is coming back to 'Lost.'"

This is a true story, sort of, with a few embellishments.

Anyway, Harold was so amused after I told him about that morning's Press Tour riot that he proceeded to tell me what was going to happen when he reappeared this season as "Kevin Johnson," and who the "Oceanic 6" were, and...

Well, I can't tell you any more or he would kill me.

In any event, the most anticipated "Lost" of the season: In thirty minutes.

The mentors are back! The mentors are back! And with that, the Beatles may soon be gone.

Yeah, last night Ryan Seacrest gave a fuller list of this season's mentors - Mariah Carey, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond - and you can be reasonably certain that they're not coming aboard to help the final ten with the Lennon/McCartney canon. I'm pretty certain Parton - BTW - was already expected, and probably MC too. Mentors - you'll recall - have been a key part of the show over the years, though producers cooled to 'em this season because they decided to focus more on the kids' back-stories as opposed to the back-stories of the rich-and-famous coaching them.

But...obviously a bad decision in retrospect. They were (or at least were sometimes) viewer faves, and the contestants got a kick out of them as well. And - arguably - they made the songs and performances better, or at least as good as they could be. Certainly Diana Ross knows a little bit more about how to sing one of her own hits than one of the "Idol" resident musical pros, right?

The absence of mentors has also been a possible, or probable, reason why the last two Beatles weeks have been such a considerable disappointment. The singers, half the age of the songs, in some instances didn't know the songs, and certainly weren't plugged into their rich, mythic lore. Result - a lotta bad performances.

Last year, in fact, "Idol" DID get permission from Sony/Micheal Jackson to dip into the Beatles songbook (they could choose a few songs - this season, the whole book was open to them.) But they canned the idea when they couldn't get a Beatles "mentor." They wanted legendary Beatles producer/frontman George Martin, and here's what "Idol" bossman Ken Warwick said at the time:

"The problem we found - or the problem we've had, obviously - is that we need a mentor who's up to the job. We were after George Martin, and his schedule unfortunately... we tried every which way. We had permission from the record company, we just couldn't get George."

Ummm, what about Sir Paul? He did write the songs that people sing, so...

Said Ken: He "took exception" to Simon's comments about the contestants."

"[McCartney's] a nice guy. He doesn't like Simon saying, 'You're horrible. You're the worst I ever heard. You shouldn't be singing.' So the chances of Paul coming on the show were pretty slim."

Oh, Simon...

(Of course, Paul has had his hands full of a few other problems the last few months, so can't put all the blame on our favorite judge...)

The winner! (Um, already?)

Oh, I'm on to your game, "Dancing with Stars." Oh, yes I am.

Can't fool Uncle Verne. It's so obvious, so ridiculously obvious, that no one will be fooled.

The women are pretty good to excellent, overall. The guys are horrific to good, overall. Do we smell a trend here?

We do. Why have they stacked the odds in favor of the women? Because - of course - women don't vote for women contestants, and "DWTS" is simply attempting to tilt the balance so dramatically in their favor this season that there will be - that there CAN be - no doubt whatsoever that a woman should win "DWTS." A woman MUST win this season; it's the only way the franchise will keep a shred of credibility, otherwise the word will be out, more or less officially, that only guys can win this show, because women viewers are voting for them.

Guys? Honestly - I think I'm the only one on the planet who actually watches "DWTS."

Kristi Yamaguchi was so accomplished last night that she's already secured a final four position - unless the ghost of Sabs Bryan returns to prove once again that (only) the good die young on "DWTS." (And knowing "DWTS," she will...)

Let's break 'em down:

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Sets the tone for the whole evening, with a surprisingly good open round; Hough's great so that shouldn't be a surprise, but Eliz? Who'da figured. All legs and torso. Her Achilles heel: women voters, who will likely discover she was in Maxim or some such mag. That won't help. No, it won't.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism. Those were the things I thought she had in her favor. But last night's performance was so somnolent that I nodded off then fell into a deep dreamless sleep. But...that said, she was still competent.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Tracy Turnblad brings it on home. Man, I just knew the actress in Marissa would trump whatever other deficiencies she might bring to this thing, but you know what? There's raw potential here, and with that big 'ol smile and show biz savvy, I see her as a contender for weeks to come.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: Again, a shocker! What I like about Priscilla is that deep - almost ridiculously deep - sense of purpose. She's so so serious. But that paid off because she took a relatively complicated routine and worked it out nicely. Again, I see HER around for a while, too. And there was also a very telling comment by Sam Harris: "You need to vote guys..." That's right. They need to, but will they?

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: You already know what I think. She's so absurdly good that this whole comp is suddenly over. Good thing ABC needs to stretch this out through the May sweeps... She was actually fun to watch, and "fun" doesn't usually come into the equation in the first round.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: And so it went - a female contestant who was solid on her feet again, and "solid" in a good way. She's someone else who's on this show for a while.

Big Hair is good. Very good.

Yesterday morning, Simon Cowell woke up on the wrong side of bed, fell out flat on on his face, scrambled to his feet, then tumbled head first out the window and straight down into a scummy pond filled with duck poop where he was then set upon by a thousand homicidal Canadian geese.

How else - I ask you in all genuine sincerity - is one to explain his horrendous mood last night?

I've seen Cowell in black moods before - that square Brit face of his scarlet with anger, bile, rage, disappointment, and (flat-out) scorn.

But last night? That was the record. It was that flock of homicidal geese, I suppose.

I mean, seriously people. Where to begin? He spat out insult after insult, until he was so spent he had to consult his (recently published) "Simon Cowell's Book of Insults" for fresh material. By the time poor 'ol Malubay rolled around, he basically just threw up his hands - "you chose really mediocre songs and didn't show the best of your ability."

So, it was also McCartney and Lennon's fault now, eh?

How DARE they write mediocre songs for Ramielle Malubay and all these other pretenders?

Good Lord, man.

He was kinda nice to Mercado and Archie. But that was it.

In some cases, he was absolutely right. Brooke White - my heroine - was horrendous. Amanda Overmyer was so bad that if she gets voted off tonight, then even Paul will feel a little better (after giving Heather a king's ransom.)

But the rest of his judgments were flawed - especially with Carly Smithson. Here. You don't believe me. Watch. She was fine. Simon was nuts.

What's the problem? Simple: Simon, and doubtless the rest of the "Idol" production brain trust, are beginning to regret this Beatle thing. It's become a straitjacket, whereby songs that were gorgeous and indelible when sung by the one-and-onlys almost half a century ago, now sound tinny and trivial when sung by this crew. Yes, Malubay was the perfect example (and Brooke too). "I Should Have Known Better" should have only been sung by Lennon (I think it was Lennon) and no one else, ever. But Simon is so clearly incensed by all this ruination of the Beatles that he's completely lost his judgment and apparently, marbles.

I wonder: When will "Idol" start mixing in other standards again?

Simon slugs Carly. Carly slugs back and scores!

GACK!! This is what "Dancing with the Stars" has wrought:

"Secret Talents of the Stars"

Tuesday, April 8 at 10.

On CBS (which is kinda treading water on Tuesdays, so this rabbit comes outta the hat.)

The news on this show broke during the writers strike, when about 6,000 other reality shows were announced. I kinda hoped CBS had forgotten about it. But they didn't. Details were out this morning:

Let's shorthand this for you. Marla Maples doing gymnastics.

Does that say it all?

Okay, howabout George Takei singing country.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner on bass guitar.

Joe Frazier as an R&B singer.

Danny Bonaduce (oh you just KNOW he had to be in this one) on a unicycle.

Clint Black doing stand-up.

Mya doing tap dance...

I could go on. But why bother. You'll watch. You can't help yourself.

There will be a bunch of other celebrities who didn't get invited to "Dancing with the Stars" doing a bunch of other stuff that you might not normally associate them with, and then viewers during this seven-week sillyfest will vote on who they think does whatever it is they do best, and we'll end up with two finalists, and then sometime in May, a winner will be crowned, and if ratings are REALLY big, then I'll be forced to write a "news" story for the Newsday.

Thanks "DWTS."

Front-runner. Night One.

So let's get straight to it: The guys are weak. Not awful. Just weak. Add 'em all up together, and you end up with "average." Which isn't good enough.

Of course, there were exceptions, though the best performances last night were still only OK, and enhanced by the ol' charm factor.

Will a guy win the sixth season of "Dancing with the Stars?" With statistics and past history as indicators, the answer is yes. But based on last night, the answer is no.

Let's break 'em on down:

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: He absolutely reminded me of that classic sequence in "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder first introduced his gorgeous creation to the world, and what did Frank do? Dance a soft-shoe on stage. "DWTS" seems to think comic relief was missing from last season, but I'm not sure viewers come to this for laughs. Penn was certainly funny. Bantering with Bruno about card tricks, the latter says: "I've done a few tricks in my life." Penn: "We don't wanna go there..." No, we don't.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: Like this Dolphin so far, and the best example of charisma trumping raw talent (OK, maybe Cristian is the best example, but more on that in a sec.) He's got game and humor and a sense of purpose, and you need all three to click with the viewer at home. So he'll be fine through the opening weeks. Problem is perspective: This combo LOOKS odd, because he's six six and 255 pounds. Edyta is (like) half his size.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: I see great possibilities here, and you know darn well that so does Cheryl who - I would bet my bottom nickel - insisted on the Mad Chilean after having to slump around the stage with Wayne Newton last year. She wants to win again, and probably insisted on a comer as opposed to a loser. He's got pure charisma, and so does she, but he's gotta cut down a bit on that vanity; women voters may swoon at first, but the act will wear thin. He needs to project "sincerity..." He's an actor - should be able to figure it out.

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: Well, you just know this one's doomed. Why did "DWTS" producers decide on this act? I can tell you why. The show - and ABC - want to enrich the male demo on the show, because it's skewing too heavily female. More guys watching means an even bigger audience, and maybe a possibility that they'll vote for women contestants. (Women viewers usually seem to vote for male contestants...) But only problem - Adam could be voted off first. He's funny. That might count for something. But likely not.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: We're on to ya, "DWTS." Those little openers are dead giveaways to performances, always. Karina has a herniated disk. Oh, doom, doom! And of course they were just fine. Mario's the male front-runner - not quite David Archuleta, perhaps, but the guy to beat so far.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Yeah, my first thought too: Steve has had a lot of work done, and by that I mean, "face-lift." He's been completely re-modeled, and my sincere compliments to the surgeon who did the honors. But bless 'im - who cares? He's in Hollywood! You just don't let your face fall and call it a day. In the city of perpetual youth, youth must be served and preserved. Steve's feet did a reasonable job last night too. I think he's on this show for a while - maybe quite a while. People will like his charm and enthusiasm - I believe it's called "infectious." Plus, he'll start giving plugs for his charity, and that'll seal the deal. How could you vote off a guy who has his name on a major charity? You can't! Steve's good to go, plus how savvy can you get? He wished his parents a happy 50th. Oh you're good, Guttenberg. You're very good.

Mr. Hollywood. A keeper - for now.

Yes, this is the first look - the very first look - at BS's turn on CBS's soundstage, which must have come to an absolute grinding halt when she showed up last week to do this cameo in "How I Met Your Mother." Pictured here with Josh Radnor, she's a receptionist in a dermatologist's office and has fallen hard for our hero. (Episode airs next Monday.)

People Mag paid millions of bucks for this photo - but we're giving it to you for free, and all we have to do is credit "People" (ah, the power and fairness of the Internet...)

Anyway, four things to deduce from this photo:

1.) She's lost weight.

2.) Not sure, but I don't expect she'll win an Emmy for this.

3.) Pretty sure the hair is fake, like that guy on "American Idol" (even looks like the same wig...hmmm). But what do I know about hair...

4.) There's no such thing as a book called "The Power of Me," which means she got the book at the same place she got the hair.

Don't you just love TV?

(Photo - and a good one - is by CBS's Monty Brinton.)

Laurie Dhue - not to be confused with Jane Skinner, but if you did confuse the two, you'd be forgiven - is bolting Fox News Channel. Anyone who doesn't watch FNC would go right about now, "huh? so what?" but anybody who does will go, "huh! WHAT!" She's been a reasonably visible fixture on the channel that has essentially cornered the market on attractive blonds. There are exceptions - FNC has also "indefinitely" cut loose "Big Story with John Gibson," and as you accurately note, he is not an attractive blond. (He's not leaving FNC, but Eric Burns - longtime media critic - is.)

What's going on over at Fox News? Honestly, I'm not certain: It's always had this swaggering, biggest-baddest-dude-in-town attitude - all courtesy of Roger Ailes - but lately the dude feels pale and wan, like a pitcher who's just lost his devastating breaking ball and everyone on the opposing team knows it. (I'm into mixed metaphors today - just can't help it.)

Is Dhue's departure a huge deal? Of course not. People leave TV networks all the time...but it's still gotta make you wonder. TVnewser, which broke this over the weekend, got a statement out of Fox which says,"Unfortunately, we were unable to come to terms on a new agreement with Laurie. She has been a valued member of Fox News, and we wish her all the best in her future endeavors." (A spokeswoman who just called added nothing to this.) TVnewser added, "Since September she has been working as ombudswoman for The O'Reilly Factor for a segment called 'The Dhue Point.' In what would be her last installment Thursday night, Bill O'Reilly told Dhue, 'I hope you know, this is my favorite segment of the week.'"

Just finally catching up to this (old) news from last week, but Defamer had a particularly intriguing account of David Caruso's on-set behavior at "CSI." What's amazing to me - why has Forest Hills-own DC been on good behavior for so long? Or maybe no one's paid attention, which seems highly unlikely? I'll never forget DC's exit from "NYPD Blue" - in a blaze of bad karma, as he sought an early out from his contract to get into "serious" acting on the big screen. Show-runners were furious, while his co-actors felt both betrayed and deeply grateful (a curious feeling no doubt) because he was such an incredibly difficult guy to work with, or as someone put it to me, "he sucks all the oxygen out of the room..." But karma's karma and after DC's "Jade" and "Kiss of Death" tanked, he had to get back into TV. But he got smart, avoided a Don Johnson-type rep, kept his head down and made "CSI: Miami" one of TV's biggest hits. But what does this bad press (all of a sudden) mean?

I never learn. Never ever... I know full well that Kristi Yamaguchi should easily win this season's (the sixth already; how time flies) "Dancing with the Stars" but by so saying, I know now that she won't. Just because she's a world-class athlete? Has performed in a thousand ice shows? Knows how to work audiences? Has a gifted pro by her side (Mark Ballas?)

I'm onto your game, "Dancing." Won't be fooled again. Know you always like to put in a "can't miss" contestant, just to EMBARRASS me when I post my odds, and just to make everyone think, "oh, it's over already..."

It isn't. Simply consider - the odds are far in favor of a guy winning.

Anyway, here are my odds. (This is a repeat of those published in today's paper, so if you've seen 'em already, sorry...)

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: "The Man Show" man, and LA radio personality. Amusing fellow though, one wonders, how will this act play with the predominantly female voting base? Odds: 24:1.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: Chilian actor, and VERY ugly. Plenty of U.S.TV exposure but low name recognition. That could hurt, but not too much. Also, shades of Helio? Also, Cheryl; I believe she's a two-time winner, and after getting stuck with last season's comic relief (Wayne Newton) probably wants to step into winner's circle again. Odds: 7:1.

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Actress ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back") and, I hear, a pretty good poker player. But will she rate here? Unlikely - guys usually (in fact, just about always) win. Odds: 25:1.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Most of us remember Steve back when he was famous ("Diner," et al.) But what have you done for us lately Steve? He's head of something called the Guttenberg House which helps foster kids. Ladies will LOVE that. But this feels like a Mark Cuban kinda entry; he's serious but probably doesn't expect a win. Odds: 8-1.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: Ah, youth. Mario's 21 and also very ugly. Best known of the male celebs here, although demo that watches this show (post 35-year-olds) will think Mario is some kind of an Italian guy. He knows how to rap, but dance? Can probably learn pretty easy if he doesn't. Odds: 10-1.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: Plenty 'o TV exposure, but missing that one...big...break (since "Children of a Lesser God.") She's one of my favorites to go far. Odds: 5:1.

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: Great to have PJ here; he'll add that rare caustic element. Also, I can hardly wait for "DWST" to start showing outtakes from "P&T: Bull&%$@!" or "The Aristocrats." Odds: 200:1.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: She's in that sweet spot, demographically, with vast name recognition. Love her chances to go far, but not into winners' circle. Odds: 7:1.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism and (of course) winner's spirit. But I just don't think voters'll go all the way for her. Odds: 10:1.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: The Dolphins?! (Gulp.) But like Mario and Cristian, he's very VERY ugly. That said, I like his chances best of all the guys. Odds: 4:1.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Love the thought of Tracy Turnblad winning "DWTS." She's a very good actress too, which counts for a great deal on "DWTS." Odds: 6:1.

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: On paper (and maybe on-screen), KY is unbeatable. Forget the skating championships - millions of them - it's the ice show tours that give her such a huge edge here. She makes it to the final two, unless she's done in by that "why vote for her because she's so good" syndrome, which did in Sabrina Bryan last year. Can a woman win this show (ever again)? That's the big question. Odds: 3:1.

Another big night on "Lost" (and aren't all you non-"Losties" out there totally amused by the navel lint-picking we "Losties" continually engage in? Sorry but no apologies forthcoming...):

I do believe we finally have the full tally of our Oceanic Six - those who "survived" the crash of 815, were rescued, and became (in the future) almost as famous as Britney Spears. They are...

Sun (revealed last night)

Jack

Kate

Hurley

Sayid

Aaron (this being Claire's baby.)

Now, we have to wait to see whether this list will be formally confirmed, but Darlton (Damon Lindelof/Carlton Cuse) said in an interview in TV Guide recently that they will do so after the March 13 episode; that was last night, so we await confirmation. Meanwhile, the identity of Aaron as a O 6 is possibly debatable, because Jin could also have been one of the O 6, who just happened to die after he was rescued.

Whatever. The joy of lint-picking.

Now, what's the significance of all this? Honestly, I don't have a clue. But...these six do appear to all be members of those who stayed with Jack (except for Hurley and arguably Kate; oh dear.)

Also, does Ben count? That's an interesting question because he clearly does get off the Island, but clearly not considered an O 6 member.

Oh, yes, how could I forget: Michael Dawson - Harold Perrineau - finally returned last night. We haven't seen him of course since he sailed off into the sunset with Walt.) He was swabbing the deck, so to speak, and quite clearly is Ben's plant on the freighter.

Ah, "Lost" lint-picking. Almost as good as the first cup of coffee in the ayem.

Miranda Cosgrove...Miranda Cosgrove...Miranda Cosgrove...

It's an amazing thing about this name. You put it in a blog, and like magic, your blog suddenly gets a million hits. And since my sole purpose in life is "click through," then...once again, "Miranda Cosgrove."

Who is Miranda Cosgrove? Oh puhlease.

If you have to ask, then move along. You must have better things to do. But if you've gotten this far, then you are absolutely reading this blog with bated breath because Miranda Cosgrove, 14, is only the BIGGEST 'TWEEN ACTRESS on the planet, and her Nick show, "iCarly," is seen by something like 100 million kids, and since they're the only ones that seem to use the Internet, then, excuse me, but I just have to mention the name one more time, Miranda Cosgrove. Plus, she was on "School of Rock," and "Drake and Josh."

Anyway - I know you want to strangle me - but here's the deal. I interviewed her about four hours ago. It was the highlight of my day. She's very nice, smart, has a very cute giggle, talks very fast, and I think she speaks English; you can't be entirely certain with these 'tweens.

So, here's the big news: There are going to be TWO "Drake and Josh" movies. The first one is "Drake and Josh in New York," and other one will be "Drake and Josh at Christmas." (Don't hold me to the titles; the first one is in pre-production, the other still in even earlier stages.) Super-duper kids producer, Dan Schneider, is doing both.

Who's Drake (Bell) and who's Josh (Peck)...Oh puhlease. If you have to ask...Etc.

More news: Josh Peck is expected to direct an episode of "ICarly" next season (they start taping the new season in May.) Plus, Miranda Cosgrove is going to star in both movies.

Whatever happened to Nick megahit, "D and J?" Says Miranda (Cosgrove), "little kids always ask, 'are there going to be new episodes,' and I usually say, 'there's a few more.'" She doesn't want to hurt their feelings and tell them it ended production well over a year ago.

What's she gonna do at the Kids' Choice Awards? (March 29, 8 p.m.) "Present, but I don't know what..."

What's she been doing with her time since she's not taping "iCarly?" "I've been playing a lot of 'Guitar Hero;' I'm on medium."

What's her favorite show? "'American Idol'...but missed the last couple weeks." Oh, yeah, she loves going to the mall.

What's new on next season's "iCarly?" "Some more love interests..."

Does she miss Drake and Josh? "Oh yes...they're like brothers."

What'll Josh be like when he directs?

"He'll be bossy."

Thank you Miranda Cosgrove. (And "iCarly.") I can hear the clicking already...

(Above, MC, with Tom Higgenson of the Plain White T's.)

Here's how the world works: You do something really notorious - say, become a prostitute and unwittingly become the instrument by which you unseat the sleazebag governor of New York - and then you look to cash in. In the olden days, you'd first line up the "respectable" interview with Babs Walters. You'd cry a little. Confess a little. Babs would ask you about stains on dresses, and you'd have to deal with that too.

Then...straight to the bank! Absolved by Babs, your agent could then score you a book deal, a magazine deal (one of those pay-for-play profiles in some very thick glossy), and best of all: The TV deal. That might be a full-blown series (reality of course) in an ideal world.

But like I said. Those are the old days. In these days, you head straight to TV, and cash the check fast. So, who's bidding for Kristen/Ashley? NBC News or ABC News? They - of course - couldn't pay outright for the interview, but they could "hire" Kristen/Ashley as a "consultant," who could offer on-air "opinions" about the Luv Guv. (I rule out CBS only because I don't think they'll come up with the necessary change.)

Or...will be it be "Extra" or "Access Hollywood?" My money, ahem, is on "AC" because as part of the NBC Universal empire, NBC can offer "Access," "Nightly News," maybe a cameo on "The Office" and a reality show (it would be offered, but probably never air.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I always do. Here's the news. A website - I'm assuming a reputable one because the very reputable TVNewser says it's got creds - claims "Extra" is already offering $100,000 for the interview.

Let the bidding begin!

(Hey, wasn't Babs spotted camping outside Kristen's apartment bldg last night?)

It's now official: Former strippers CAN'T win "American Idol." Producers have to be happy about last night's results; Coke has to be happy too; as I think I pointed out before, "The Coke Side of Life" does not, under normal circumstances, include lap dancing. And most viewers - certainly the granny vote - aren't gonna warm to this past, ummm, vocation either. So it goes.

Oh, and how DID Coke - AI's most important sponsor by far - feel about our departee? Go to "American Idol's" site and check out the "behind the scenes" photo slide-show "Presented by Coke:" Not one, I repeat, there is not one shot of Hernandez (he appears off to the side in one picture). But there are half a dozen out of twenty with Brooke and Kristy.

Coke may not "cast a vote," but it's a more important presence on this show than any judge (Simon included) or producer. Money talks on TV, and Coke is the biggest money of all. They wanted Hernandez gone.

Nevertheless....nevertheless, Hernandez deserved another shot. Maybe another two shots. He massacred "Saw Her Standing There" on Tuesday, but oddly enough, did a pretty good rendition during the exit routine. He was a very good singer, and up until Tuesday, was maybe a top-sixer. But here's the thing: This top twelve - now eleven - is so good that one bad turn (with the exception of Archie) means that just about anyone can land in the bottom three week to week. David just happened to pick a bad time to be bad.

Gone. Too bad.

Tough night tonight.

Who is gone?

Who DESERVES to be gone?

Anyway, here are my weekly odds, adjusted as we go. (Odds, by the way, reflect chances of eviction tonight.) Answers below:

David Archuleta: I'm a lover of counter-intuitive logic and therefore will say right now - Archie had a great Beatles night. Great because he bastardized "We Can Work it Out?" No, because he thus proved that he is fallible. Again, you never want to be infallible on this show, or at least until that moment you're crowned. He's human! He forgets words! He's not perfect! He's still the frontrunner, but he won't be if he screws up next next week. Odds: 2:1.

Jason Castro: Not a particularly memorable performance ("If I Fell"), but still a memorable guy. He's safe tonight. Odds: 5:1

Chikeze: For some reason, Chicky remains low on the popularity poll (if TV Guide's weekly power rankings are to be believed.) He probably won't win "Idol," but after last night's "She's a Woman," he's a lock - to continue. Odds: 4:1.

David Cooke: Forget about moving on to next week; he could win the whole dang thing. (3:1.)

Kristy Lee Cook: The perfect illustration of why Sony and MJ (Michael Jackson) have zealously protected this song book - that someone would take a standard and turn it into something not only unrecognizable but actually ghastly. "Eight Days a Week" - I'll never listen to it the same way again. But Paula made a rare blunder last night wen she revealed that KLC has a "huge" following. In other words, Paula knows the numbers, and she knows KLC is safe. Maybe. After last night, that's not a sure bet. Odds: 25:1.

David Hernadez: What the..??!! This is not the stage of the competition where you screw up. This is the stage of the competition where you get better, or turn up the gas, or do something to prove to viewers that you deserve to go on to the next round. DH actively encouraged viewers to NOT vote for him. A neat trick.He's in the bottom two tonight. Odds: 50:1.

Michael Lee Johns: He was better than the judges (Paula of course loved him) gave him credit for being. Not boring at all ("Across the Universe") but engaging. He remains safe. Odds: 7:1.

Ramiele Malubay: I still like her but I fear fans do not, or fear they have no idea who she is, or why they should vote for her. Tonight, Ramiele leaves. Odds: 100:1.

Syesha Mercado: Solid "Got to Get You Into My Life." Why doesn't she get more press? I'm confounded. Se's darned good, and at least deserves to move forward. And...will. Odds: 14:1.

Amanda Overmyer: Personality deficient, refuses to sell herself to the judges. That'll work against her in the long-run. But after Chicky, this was the best John/Paul of the night. Odds: 12:1.

Carly Smithson: "Who's that Irish girl?" asked Simon. Good Lord! The man's got senioritis already! How could he forget? Carly's worry has to be that others have forgotten who she is too. Please, please, please...Carly HAS to move on. (Plus, I want a professinal to win "Idol" so that this show can go into contortions trying to explain why it's still an amateur competition. Odds: 10:1.

Brooke White: My own personal dark horse. I actually thought her "Let it Be" was only OK, but it's what she does after the song; dabbing an eye and thanking the audience without affectation. I assure you, millions of others were dabbing their eyes too - as they dialed in her vote. Odds: 4:1.

By George, I think they've got it.

In fact, take "I think" out. They've got it: The most important development, maybe, in the whole history of web TV launched a few hours ago, and for once, the hype is justified. Hulu is amazing. Simple. Elegant. Dynamic. And vast.

Hundreds of shows, movies, clips - thousands of hours. Enough to fill, or waste, a whole lifetime. I am blown away by Hulu.

Now, please keep in mind - this is a first impression, and I'll check back later in the day when the servers are being overloaded by millions of viewers; that's where the rubber meets the road for sites like this. But I've gotta imagine NBC and Fox have anticipated this, too.

What is "Hulu?" The omnibus site created by Fox and NBC, featuring (most) of their shows plus many classics, and a vast amount of other stuff as well. Like the ABC and CBS sites, you'll get current episodes, and the full season as well. But, alas, Hulu makes their (nice) episode sites feel clunky and a little moldy.

Yes, there's advertising here, but in a funny way, you'll almost welcome it. "So this is the price to pay...?" Big deal. Worth it. An example: I picked, for no particular reason, the pilot episode of the classic "Firefly." You get a choice - either the full trailer for "Leatherhead," or "regular commercial interruptions" (which, like at, say, ABC, involves a 30-second spot at the outset.) If you pick "Leatherhead," then no other commercials.

Again, an insignificant price to pay.

Hulu gives the illusion of totality, but it is an illusion. I don't (for example) believe I saw any episodes of "American Idol," though "1 vs. 100" is here. What's the logic for inclusion on Hulu? I'm not sure it's evident, and I'm not sure I care either. "Idol" isn't going to be here, of course, because Fox already has a lucrative deal with iTunes. So what. We can live with that. And besides, YouTube and Idolstalker already have this show covered thoroughly.

A quick note on screen quality: It's generally adequate. The actual video screen will fill about a quarter of your's, and it's surrounded by clutter of various sorts, some of it distracting. Naturally, you'll then click on "full screen." Under normal circumstances, "full screen" can be a ticket to on-line hell, with either horrific quality or a frozen hard drive. Not here: Full screen resolution is pretty good, and I had no technical problems to speak of.

As mentioned, I'll check back later, but you should check it out now. Hulu is amazing. I promise.