The TV Zone

For of you sitting by your calender with a pencil in hand waiting for me to post the CBS fall season premiere dates, so you can plan your vacation and work schedules accordingly, wait no more! I have it all here. The dates. Most of 'em are in late September - same as always:

Thursday, Sept. 18

8:00-9:00 PM SURVIVOR (17th Installment Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 22

8:00-8:30 PM THE BIG BANG THEORY (2nd Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (4th Season Premiere)
9:00-9:30 PM TWO AND A HALF MEN (6th Season Premiere)
9:30-10:00 PM WORST WEEK (Series Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: MIAMI (7th Season Premiere)

Tuesday, Sept. 23

8:00-9:00 PM NCIS (6th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM THE MENTALIST (Series Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM WITHOUT A TRACE (7th Season Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 24

8:00-8:30 PM THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE
(4th Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM PROJECT GARY (Series Debut)
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMINAL MINDS (4th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: NY (5th Season Premiere)

Saturday, Sept. 27

8:00-9:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
10:00-11:00 PM 48 HOURS MYSTERY (Season Premiere)

Sunday, Sept. 28

7:00-8:00 PM 60 MINUTES (41st Season Premiere)
8:00-9:00 PM THE AMAZING RACE (13th Edition)
9:00-10:00 PM COLD CASE (6th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM THE UNIT (4th Season Premiere)

Friday, Oct. 3

8:00-9:00 PM GHOST WHISPERER (4th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM THE EX LIST (Series Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM NUMB3RS (5th Season Premiere)

(Above: JLH, star of "GW," returning Oct. 3)

CBS is going to officially announce its new fall sked in just about five minutes, so we may as well get straight to this. Here's what to expect this fall. Nothing earth-shattering, best I can tell (other than aforementioned cancellations.)

And away we go:

Monday: "Big Bang Theory" (8).
"How I Met Your Mother" (8:30)
"Two and a Half Men" (9)
"Worst Week" (9:30; new sitcom.)
"CSI: Miami" (10).

Tuesday: "NCIS" (8)
"The Mentalist" (9; with Simon Baker)
"Without a Trace" (10).

Wednesday: "The New Adventures of Old Christine" (8)
"Project Gary" (8:30; new sitcom)
"Criminal Minds" (9)
"CSI: NY" (10).

Thursday: "Survivor" (8)
"CSI" (9)
"Eleventh Hour" (10; Bruckheimer!)

Friday: "Ghost Whisperer" (8);
"The Ex-List" (9; new drama)
"Numbers" (10).

Saturday:
The song, such as it is, remains the same.

Sunday: "60 Minutes" (7)
"Amazing Race" (8)
"Cold Case" (9)
"The Unit" (10).

I'm always fascinated in "Big Brother" -- if only by trying to imagine the pillow talk between Julie Chen and Les Moonves ("...do you REALLY think Jame's hair color is nice...What about the tattoos?"

But the ninth season of a reality skein that makes "The Apprentice" look like Shakespeare got just the slightest jolt of controversy when one of the contestants called people with autism "retards." And wouldn't you just know? The anti-autism guy won last night.

Adam Jasinski didn't just win big -- he won BIG, with (I think) only one jury vote going to Ryan, who said nothing mean about people with autism (but will check the clips just to make sure.) Adam's "'Till Death Do You Part" housemate Sheila told him to shut his trap after he said (in a mid-February episode) that he'd spend his winnings on a hair salon "so retards can get it together and get their hair done." He had worked briefly in Florida for an autism charity, and so a prominent national charity (Autism United) promptly demanded that he be canned posthaste.

Instead, Adam goes on to win half a million clams! He said last night he'll donate $100,000 of that to an autism charity; no word on the hair salon.

I love this: CBS is boasting about an "unprecedented" crossover stunt for May, and I do believe this is "unprecedented" because it's so ridiculous. Here it is: Writers for "Two and a Half Men" will write an episode of "CSI" while writers for "CSI" will write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

Will the result be a "dramedy" or a "coma?"

I'm not certain.

More details from the CBS presser: "A CSI investigating a murder at Charlie Harper's house? Grissom and the team investigating the mysterious death of a diva sitcom star? It's all part of a first-ever 'writers' crossover...

"The May 5 episode of [Men] is written by CSI writers Sarah Goldfinger and Evan Dunsky from a story by CSI executive producers Carol Mendelsohn and Naren Shankar. The May 8 episode of CSI was written by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, executive producers/writers of [Men].

I'm getting confused here. Who...wha...why???

OH, TV, I just love it. What WILL they think of next?

(Above: Who murders whom in this May's "Two and a Half Men?")

I've received a lot of reader comments - which in my humble realm means about three - concerning the cancellation of CBS's "Kid Nation." Now, I was initially cheered by news of this cancellation, considering how bad the show is.

But I'm in the minority. Turns out, there's a whole nation of "Kid Nation" fans, who are angry at CBS for canceling their favorite show. Some of them are distraught, and the reason I'm writing this blog entry is because last night, I got this comment from Kim: "MY LIVE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO..."

Well, take heart, Kim. It IS worth living, and there is a possible solution here. CBS may have canceled this show, but there are options. Consider how fans of "Jericho" extended that worthy's life for an extra seven episodes? They sent bags of nuts to CBS executives. Sick of the nut tsunami, they relented.

So here's an idea for "KN:" Send your kids.

It's simple. Put them in a large box, and tape it up well, but be sure to put some holes in it so they can breath. For food, add a couple of Domino's pizzas (cheese only, no toppings - they can get messy.) Don't forget the iPod.

This could work. Seriously. Les Moonves - and I suppose Julie Chen - will be driven crazy by the crowd of noisy needy little buggers - all those fights over which favorite show to watch, and constant demands to buy Guitar Hero or Miley Cyrus tickets. CBS'll throw in the towel by the upfronts, and "KN" will be on the fall schedule - and maybe they'll stick your kids in it!

This isn't an original idea. Someone at New York Magazine recently suggested sending hair to ABC executives as a plan to save "Cavemen." It didn't work.

Kids will work. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kim.

Here's the address:

CBS Studios: 7800 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, CA. 90036

Can wait no longer for your Charlie Sheen fix? Good news! Read on - and lest I bury my lede, I do believe this is the FIRST fresh product off the assembly line since the strike ended:

CBS sitcoms are all back this Monday, and the network just released some program notes:

8:00 PM – THE BIG BANG THEORY – When Sheldon and Leonard are invited to present their joint findings at a physics conference, Sheldon refuses, and Penny steps in to mediate … only deepening the rift between the two best friends.

8:30 PM – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – On St. Patrick’s Day, Ted takes a page from Barney’s book and lives like there’s no tomorrow.

9:00 PM – TWO AND A HALF MEN – Charlie coaches Alan on the best way to break up with a woman.

9:30 PM – THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE – New episodes continue with Christine trying to prove to Barb that for once in her life she can finally complete something that she sets out to do.

Remember "Kid Nation?"

It was only the cause celebre of the '07-'08 season, with endless stories written about, and over which countless calls were made by reporters to child welfare services in New Mexico, state investigation panels convened, and critics so exercised by the possible legal and moral ramifications of it all that they lost sleep AND weight (often at the same time.)

It was quite a show.

Anyway, it's dead.

Or almost certainly dead - or like that soap that's 99.999 percent pure - it's 99.999 percent dead.

CBS announced its '08-09 returning shows last night, and "Kid" was not amongst the living. Here's the complete list, and no major surprises: "Cold Case," "Criminal Minds," "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," "CSI: Miami," "CSI: NY," "Ghost Whisperer," "NCIS," "Numb3rs," "Two and a Half Men," "Without a Trace," "The Big Bang Theory." Of the reality crew, CBS had already announced that '"Survivor" and "The Amazing Race" were back.

I emailed CBS's laudatory primetime press man, Phil Gonzales, about the unfortunate state of affairs with regards "Kid Nation." He wrote back: "Other than the shows that we just announced as renewed, no final decisions have been made on any shows for next year. We just ordered 4 more post-strike originals for 'Moonlight' and 'Jericho' is in 'Cane’s' time period for now."

Phil is just too polite to say it, so I'll say it for him:

"Kid Nation" is dead.

Without "Kid Nation" to kick around, what will give critics exercise this fall? (They'll have to go out and run around the block, I guess.) At least they'll get some sleep.

And - I'm glad you asked - what about "Cane." Again, I think this announcement pretty much says it all. It too is gone. That's a bummer - especially for Jimmy Smits fans. But here's the silver lining: This means that the splendid Nestor Carbonell - who just happens to be one of my favorite actors in the solar system - will get to return to "Lost" where he can complete his great and never-aging portrayal of Richard.

Yes, "Others" dude Richard Alpert with 99.999 percent certainty WILL be back and that's the best news today.

Yes, CBS has announced a whole slew of dates for shows to return. The strike is definitely over.

Without further ado, here they are:

How I Met Your Mother...March 17...9 new episodes.

The Big Bang Theory...March 17...9 new eps.

CSI: Miami...March 24...8 new eps.

Cold Case...March 30...6

Criminal Minds...April 2...7

CSI...April 3...6

Without a Trace...April 3...6

Numb3rs... April 4...6

NCIS...April 8...7

CSI:NY...April 2...7

Moonlight...April 11...4

Rules of Engagement... April 14...6

Shark...TBA...4

(Right: She's baaaaack....)