The TV Zone

So, you're all sitting there wondering how the recently concluded writers strike is gonna be reflected on the TV screen over the next few weeks?

I can think of no better example than the one I am about to relay - ripped from the headlines, so to speak, and roaring (also so to speak) to a TV show near you in the not-too-distant future.

It involves "Law & Order" - TV's greatest headline larcenist - and its gifted veteran show-runner, Rene Balcer.

Here's the story. Early this year, during the dimmest days of the strike, Balcer was walking the picket lines outside the front gates of Fox studio lot when some moron in a shark-skin suit who was behind the wheel of an 8,000 SUV decided to teach Balcer a lesson - he ran into him. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to inflict the fear of God and SUVs into Balcer. The guy got out of the car, and a good old fashioned brawl ensued. Cameras - unfortunately - were not present, but in my imagination, Balcer decked the guy, strapped him to the roof of his SUV, and then put a large brick on the accelerator... Buh-bye shark-skin suit moron and SUV...

That last part actually didn't happen. I made it up. Sorry. But Balcer is going to exact cold revenge over the hit-and-run incident (another reason why it's never a good idea to pick a fight with someone who runs a major TV production...)

Rene told me last week that "I'm ripping from my own headline" by producing a strike episode that'll feature some "very obnoxious loudmouth picketer" who is killed while walking the picket lines...

The picketer's actually a legal aid who's on strike, and after all these legal aides go on strike, defense attorneys are dragooned into doing their work - so there's some very unhappy people all around, which means "motive."

Says Balcer, "one of the strikers gets run over, coincidentally - it never happens in real life [though.]"

He says he was inspired by David Letterman, who included Balcer in his monologue the night he got hit: "The day the thing happened, he mentioned in his monologue that a writer for 'Law & Order' got hit, and then said - 'you know what? It would be a terrific 'Law & Order.'"

Rene says he knows who the guy was - a lower-level suit - and he assured me: "It wasn't Peter Chernin."

I'm beyond speechless at the mainstream media's (MSM's) sudden interest in the Kids' Choice Awards (KCA's.) I mean, they give out blimps, and Jack Black, host, is even more satanic than usual, and there's green slime, and..

But there it is anyway: Massive post-Saturday coverage, and stories everywhere this morning, and so on. Have the KCAs - been around 20 years already - suddenly become IMPORTANT? I noted one commentator mentioning how important they were because it's another way of finding out what kids are going to be buying/tuning into this year, or for years to come. Please: Do not take offense at this (and no offense is intended), but that's kinda dumb. Kids vote for stuff that they ALREADY bought or WATCHED, and in some cases ("Drake and Josh") have watched over and over and over again. These aren't consumerist zeitgeist awards - they're just additional confirmation of everything the studio suits (who have been pushing this stuff) already knew.

I'm not gonna post the winners here, cuz who cares - seriously - but I will note that "Hannah Montana" did not win best TV show. I predicted that it wouldn't - yes, I like to brag now and then when I actually make an accurate prediction, which is understandable because accurate predictions are not my strong suit (see: "DWTS") - but "Hannah Montana" is so over, and I am beginning to wonder whether Miley Cyrus (by association) is too...

Of course, she had a big night, and remains hotter than a nuclear reactor, even though I was kinda disappointed by her performance on Saturday - hoarse and frequently off-key - but what do I know? It's the kids that matter, the kids. I was also disappointed that Britney Spears - as rumored - didn't show up to corrupt, errr, entertain the young minds, and then it occurred to me: She wouldn't be caught dead in the same stadium with Miley, who would simply remind Brit that SHE is the current Queen of Tweens, and that BRIT has been permanently dethroned.

Nick reported, and I quote, that "88,254,272 million kids cast votes March 3-29 in 18 categories to honor their favorites..."

It's a record, we're told, but it could simply mean that ten kids cast 8 million votes each; that's a possibility, but probably not too likely. Simple fact is, the KCAs are hot, and have been so for years and years.

So, was is any good? An adult's opinion is irrelevant, so I will now switch to my eight-year-old brain (which for me is very easy to do:)

"It was AWESOME. I loved the way Heidi Clom or Klem or whatever her name was popped those balloons. I wished I could do that. I hear you can eat the slime. I wonder what it tastes like? Who was that really old guy - Harrison somebody - who got slimed? Isn't Miley AWESOME!!!!

But you know what I got, like, really confused by? When Josh and Drake came on stage. I love those guys. I could tell who Josh was. But what happened to Drake? He's got hair on his face. It's red. I think he's gotta shave.

Man, those awards, they were AWESOME!."

Oh, praise be: She's here. Finally. I really couldn't wait another hour - and you do know that it's been just about a month (March 5) since we first told you this announcement was going to come.

It's here. Kathie Lee Gifford is joining "The Today Show." Her new gig was just announced on the air - the impending bombshell (no silly, the NEWS, not HER) was teased prominently on the local news and then by Matt and Meredith. Then, boom, there it was, or rather, there she was: KLG. First day is April 7, and she'll be host of the fourth hour of "Today."

(No, this is not an April's Fool Joke; April 1's tomorrow.)

She's fearless, said Matt, "and from time to time a little untamed. She's always marched to the beat of a different drummer." (Cliche alert!)

She appeared on set with the rest of the crew, and actually had an amusing pre-written joke: She's back "just in time for HDTV."

Come on! She looked pretty darned good,actually. Matt asked her why she's coming back now: Her answer was something along the lines of, kids are older, Hoda Kotb talked her into it, Cody's going to college, etc.

"Timing is everything in life," she said.

OK.

Matt asked if Frank (the Giff) was "cool with this?" "Are you kidding," KLG responded, yukking it up already with the new gang.

Of course he's cool with it, and he's writing a book too, etc. She cracked a lame joke about him being a "tight end" (old joke, she used it before), got groans, said "I'm in trouble already," and some more blah blah blah, and that was it.

You didn't miss anything. Trust me.

Why KLG? Why not? Like her or not, she's a pretty good broadcaster and knows how to roll with the nuttiness of morning TV. Plus, the fourth hour of "Today" (FHOTS) has been essentially forgettable, until now: It's kind of a watered down version of the third hour, which is kind of a watered down version of the second,which is...

Here's quickly what I posted March 5, when this news first broke (a Fla-based site, FTV, had the news first; we confirmed): Hard to believe but it's been nearly eight years since KLG lost her bully pulpit ("Live!); her last day was July 28, '00, and during that last frenetic farewell broadcast, Reeg said: This "was the most relentless, exhausting farewell in the history of TV." She also told him she wanted to return some day (she did a few years later, for a reunion). "I hope there will be an opportunity to come back" as co-host, she said. "To think I couldn't come back would break my heart more than leaving."

During that show, Reeg or someone also asked her about the relentless tabloid coverage, which (supposedly) hastened her departure after 15 years on "Live!" Those reports, she said, "always come from a miserable heart; I can only feel sorry for a miserable heart." (Actually, those reports came from a truthful heart, but maybe miserable too.)

Uh - someone who's as famous as me won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

Which is another way of saying - someone you never heard of won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

I'd like to tell you who it was, but - being that he's so non-famous - I can't quite recall who it is.

Good God, why didn't Trumpster ask Britney to be in "Celebrity Apprentice?" If she'd won, then I'd remember the name - AND be able to run a bunch of pictures, of the kind of before/after variety (like maybe Britney with make-up, or Brit without.)

If someone from Long Island won, I'd have worked all night to write the story for today's "wood" (the front page.) But I don't think this Celebrity Apprentice has ever even been to Long Island; not sure he's even HEARD of it. (Note to self: Ask him in conference call later.)

OK, his name is Piers Morgan. He's a great guy, and raised over $500,000 for his chosen charity, Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

Anyway, I like Piers - or I should say, I'm jealous of Piers; he's a former journalist who's made quite a career for himself hosting reality game shows for his buddy Simon Cowell (note to self: Ask Piers during conference call how to get in touch with Simon, to find out how Newsday TV writer might get lucrative job as host of "America's Got Talent.")

Piers, a Brit, has been in a lot of shows, mostly on the other side of the Pond. My favorite titles: "You Can't Fire Me, I'm Famous," "Comic Relief: The Apprentice," "The Dame Edna Treatment," "Death of Celebrity" and "The Importance of Being Famous."

Alas, these last two lasted only one episode.

But I'd pay bucks for a look at "The Dame Edna Treatment."

So here's to you, Piers. You deserved to win last night. I only wish you were a celebrity. (Note to self: Ask Trumpster during conference call to please beg Britney Spears to join next season's edition of "Celebrity Apprentice." )

(Above: no, Britney Spears did not win "Celebrity Apprentice," but as you can see, she takes better pictures than the guy, left, who did.)

Amazing the ways of television, but typically when your head is cut off, you don't normally return to the show in which you starred. Ah, but what if viewers didn't actually SEE the headless body? Or the bodyless head? what if...

Anyway, Sarah Wayne Callies is coming back to "Prison Break" next season, and her head - TV Guide is now reporting - will be firmly attached to her body. Check out the Michael Ausiello piece here - amazing. Just amazing. As you may vaguely recall, Wentworth Miller squeeze Doc Sara Tancredi got her head taken off last year - the rather unexpected outcome of a particularly unpleasant contract dispute with Fox/producers. ("You want a raise, Callies? Raise THIS!")

But bygones are bygones - particularly now that "PB" has a new two-year deal and has to goose ratings (FAST!). Bringing Tancredi back should help.

Here's how Matt Olmstead wiggled out of Ausiello's obvious question:

"Initially when we realized that we never actually saw the character get killed, we just had that knowledge in our back pocket and moved forward with the narrative as we intended. Which was: she's out of the picture, Michael's [feeling guilty] and Lincoln is freaking out because if they did that to her, they could do that to his son. It really gave us a real push for the season..."

Sara's head would beg to differ...

(Above, Callies, head photoshopped back on.)

That's it for Jesse: "Law & Order" vet Jesse L. Martin taped his last episode Tuesday, I'm told, which is a reasonably big deal for TV's longest-running drama; I remember vividly meeting him his first week on the set nine years ago. "Vivid" because I can think of few instances where an on-screen character is so starkly different from his off; Martin was funny and a rapid-fire talker full of stories, observations, quips, and what-have-you. And now he's off to (hopefully) bigger and better things - notably the Marvin Gaye biopic ("Sexual Healing.") Meanwhile, Ed Green, errr, Martin's replacement, Anthony Anderson - another funny guy who won't likely be using his comedic chops on this show - has started on "L&O."

"He'll be terribly missed," said "L&O's" longtime (and particularly able) press rep, Audrey Davis of Martin. "He just got along with everyone." His last show airs April 23 - which is the day "L&O returns - and yeah, he'll be missed.

Funny, but here I'm thinking NBCU bossman Jeff Zucker is putting the finishing touches on NBC's all-reality-all-the-time fall schedule (to be unveiled next week; I can hardly wait) and instead I find out he's been taping promos for "My Name is Earl."

It's getting quite a bit of pick-up, which I believe is the intended purpose, and a little bit of criticism (Nikki Finke wondered whether he was insane), which was probably not an intended purpose.

In any event, I think it's harmless. You be your own judge:

I've gone and done it again: Sparked a riotous raucous debate over something due to both my ignorance and innocence.

The debate: David Cook or Chris Cornell?

Neither needs an intro (ok, DC is the "Idol" front runner, per my unofficial count and reading of the Zeitgeist.) Cornell is - of course - one of the truly great rockers; I remember him mostly, I guess, best from his Soundgarden days although you young 'uns out there may first think of Audioslave (and let's not forget Temple of the Dog, shall we?)

Anyway - silly me - I didn't know he'd done a classic version of "Billie Jean," since turning solo, which DC performed on Tuesday; it was an "Idol" high point, and absolutely the moment that pulled DC into the front ranks this season. A bunch of smart readers told me that it wasn't only NOT original but that Ryan Seacrest even credited Cornell.

So here's my big question of the moment: Which "Billie Jean" version is better? After an exhaustive search - roughly 0.34 seconds on Youtube - I came up with about half a dozen versions of Cornell's "BJ." Sampled most of 'em, and offer you this one; the version's wonderful and exotic and raw as my old sneaker.

So what say you friends? Cornell or DC? I'm happy to report (as a DC fan), it's not such an easy choice as you might imagine...

(And since we're on a Chris Cornell kick for the moment, here's a great clip of "Revelations;" wonder if DC'll ever try this?)

(Above, Cornell in earlier days, in Rolling Stone; thanks to Destructogirl for the clip.)

So now that I've almost completely forgotten about the Britney Spears Carefully Planned Career Rehab Appearance (BSCPCRA) on "How I Met Your Mother," I've gotta get all excited about a possible BSCPRCA on the Kids' Choice Awards this Saturday.

For the uninitiated out there, the Kids' Choice are the Oscars for the pint-sized set; they're a huge deal, and usually the most viewed thing - outside of a special "SpongeBob" or what have you - on Nick all year. Nick also promotes the bejezus out of 'em, so it's almost impossible to meet a kid who doesn't at least know they're coming up.

Back to the possible BSCPRA: Hard to say what she'll do at the Kids' Choice - hosting's outta the question as Jack Black's been in the saddle for this job for quite a while; the show's filled with many (many) presenters, and that's a possibility; or maybe she'll simply stand there, before the adoring cameras.

. OK! Magazine, which is supposed to know about such things, says she'll be there, although the mag's report is particularly fuzzy, of the maybe she'll be there, maybe she won't variety. We await official confirmation, or denial...

Brit was at the 2003 awards, BTW, and here's a shot of the dear girl at the 2006 Teen's Choice.

I love to spread rumors as much as the next blogger, and this one I can't resist: Is Carly Smithson pregnant?

My incredibly hard-working colleague, Eileen Fredes, brought this beauty to my attention recently - telling me that it was so widespread that even WNYW/5 checked in on it last night at 10. Sure enough, it's raging across the Internets as we speak...

What does this mean? Plenty. First of all - if true - then Carly very likely WON'T be joining the "Idol" tour this summer (as Eileen pointed out). Also, why the rumors now? If true, then will this work to Carly's benefit? In other words, is this pregnancy a good career move?

I'm one of Smithson's big 'ol fans - I think she's wonderful, even if she's a pro who once had a big fat MCA contract, and couldn't even sell ten records. But I think she has a squishy fan base and may well be voted off tonight. Imagine! Ramiele (or Christy) stays but Carly goes.

What a world. As soon as I find out more about this "developing story" (as Drudge might say), I'll let you know.

(Update: Per an "AI" spokesman, "We dont comment on the personal lives of our contestants."

That's right. I'm not kidding - like I'd kid about something like this. NBC will announce its fall schedule next week, or about two months ahead of everyone else.

Yes, this is unprecedented and a little nutty, or maybe a lot nutty. I mean: Why next week? What's the logic? Why not the week after? And will we viewers - me and you - really remember any of this six months from now?

Boy, I wanna sip of what they've got in them watercoolers out in Burbank.

Anyway, why wait till next week? I've got the schedule right here, right now (let's just say your faithful correspondent has spies in VERY IMPORTANT places.) Here it is. Don't hold me to this - my source may have been gulping that Burbank watercooler juice for all I know:

Monday: "Deal or No Deal" (8 p.m.); "Deal or No Deal" (9); "My Dad is Better than Your Dad" (10).

Tuesday: "Deal or No Deal" (8); "My Mom is Better than Your Mom" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Wednesday: "The Biggest Loser: 7" (8); "The Biggest Loser: Mixed Couples;" "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Thursday: "American Gladiators" (8); "American Gladiators: All Stars!!" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Friday: "The Singing Bee: Moms Vs. Dads" (8); "Celebrity Apprentice" (9); "Celebrity Apprentice:" All Stars" (10).

Saturday: "Deal or No Deal" (encore night.)

Sunday: "Deal or No Deal" (7); "America's Got Talent: All-Stars" (8); "American Gladiators: Deal or No Deal Edition" (9); "Deal or No Deal: Gladiators Edition" (10.)

Now, this would be significant news if Britney Spears were hosting the ESPYs - the 16th annual ESPN awards will air July 20 at 9 - but because it's only Justin Timberlake, a blog entry will have to do. Here's Justin's nice quote: “I’m very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of The ESPYs. I can’t wait for the day of the show as I’m truly a sports junkie. Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I’m looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN’s diehard fans.”

AwwwwwRIGHT!!!

A little late catching up with "Idol" today (ok, a lot late), but this is one of those blog entries where you sort of feel that you have to jump on board the band wagon along with everyone else. Last night was a particularly interesting edition, and now, I can officially declare right here in the confines of TV Zone: David Cook is the absolute front-runner.

How do you determine these things? (I ask myself.) It's in the air, the zeitgeist, the whatever, (I reply to myself.) It's just THERE. But Archie has suddenly become passe, or vulnerable. It's strange how these things happen, but they just do; blame the ol' Zeitgeist. Honestly, I thought Cook's rendetion of "Billy Jean" was the stand-out moment this season - the one we'll remember a month from now, perhaps, maybe longer. It was "original" - but "good" original.

(BTW, I have to share this fascinating comment from Rushhoursoul, just received: "I loved David Cook's performance but if you have ever heard Chris Cornell's - Soundgarden, Audioslave - version of "Billie Jean" from 'Unplugged in Sweden 2006' then David's version is not terribly original." And - oh boy - read Lisa's less-polite dismissal of my Cook endorsement. I disgree with her, but she picks up the Cornell ref too.)

Meanwhile, who goes tonight? Here's my list from first (the most likely) to fourth (least likely). It's a tough call, and number one on my list is one of my favorites, but cruel are the "Idol" gods, and capricious too. (And if you missed DC's "Billy Jean," it follows):

1.) Carly Smithson.

2.) Chikeze

3.) Ramiele Malubay

4.) Kristy Lee Cook (for once, almost certainly safe, considering her remarkably clever and effective performance last night; if this "Idol" thing doesn't work out - I've got a career suggestion for CLC - as a TV executive.)

(Above, the winner. Randy's right.)

I've received a lot of reader comments - which in my humble realm means about three - concerning the cancellation of CBS's "Kid Nation." Now, I was initially cheered by news of this cancellation, considering how bad the show is.

But I'm in the minority. Turns out, there's a whole nation of "Kid Nation" fans, who are angry at CBS for canceling their favorite show. Some of them are distraught, and the reason I'm writing this blog entry is because last night, I got this comment from Kim: "MY LIVE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO..."

Well, take heart, Kim. It IS worth living, and there is a possible solution here. CBS may have canceled this show, but there are options. Consider how fans of "Jericho" extended that worthy's life for an extra seven episodes? They sent bags of nuts to CBS executives. Sick of the nut tsunami, they relented.

So here's an idea for "KN:" Send your kids.

It's simple. Put them in a large box, and tape it up well, but be sure to put some holes in it so they can breath. For food, add a couple of Domino's pizzas (cheese only, no toppings - they can get messy.) Don't forget the iPod.

This could work. Seriously. Les Moonves - and I suppose Julie Chen - will be driven crazy by the crowd of noisy needy little buggers - all those fights over which favorite show to watch, and constant demands to buy Guitar Hero or Miley Cyrus tickets. CBS'll throw in the towel by the upfronts, and "KN" will be on the fall schedule - and maybe they'll stick your kids in it!

This isn't an original idea. Someone at New York Magazine recently suggested sending hair to ABC executives as a plan to save "Cavemen." It didn't work.

Kids will work. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kim.

Here's the address:

CBS Studios: 7800 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, CA. 90036

You woke up this morning, wondering. "Why were the Jonas Brothers on 'DWTS' last night? Why was something that coulda been, shoulda been over in ten seconds, expanded to two full bloated insanely dull hours...? And I was so sick of all the padding and commercials that I went to bed early, and now don't even have a clue who got voted off last night?"

And that, my friends, is what I was put on this earth for: To tell you who got voted off of "Dancing with the Stars" last night...

Without any further padding of my own...and I do mean, no padding...they were...

Drum roll...

(Isn't this exciting...?)

Oops, I forgot. I already put their names in the headline.

That's right: Big Boy, or Big Foot, or Young Frankenstein. AKA Penn Jillette. He's gone. And so is Monica Seles.

This is not a surprise. I repeat: This is not a surprise. Reason is that at this early stage, if you have a really lousy judge score (counting for one half of your total) it's just about impossible to muster much audience support either. They had the lowest scores, ergo...adios.

But I'll still miss Big Foot. Comic relief is important in shows bloated to a full two hours. Plus, I was hoping he'd regale the audience at some point with his own version of "The Aristocrat."

(Above, great players do not always make great dancers...)

Tina Fey - Liz Lemon, you know - is holding a kinda rare telephone presser at the moment, to talk about the new season of "30 Rock" (returning April 10), and she had a couple interesting things to say.

Here's one - that the show won't incorporate any strike storylines. Quoth she: ":We are not - we are deciding that the strike did not happen in our world [because] for people viewing at home. the real strike was a big enough pain, and they probably don't want to hear anymore about it...before there was a strike we did have a strike story and we may save that for later down the road..."

What'd she do during the strike? Stay at home with her daughter, "which was the blessing of the strike. [Now] my daughter's old enough to say, 'oh no, you not go to work. You not go outside...'"

Here's something I think we can all get excited about: Those very evil geniuses of "South Park" - Trey Parker and Matt Stone - have finally discovered this Internet thing, and have launched an all-"South Park-All-The-Time" website. Southparkstudios.com actually launched last week, but the official word is out today. Here's the flackery on it: "[It] will feature free, streaming, full-length episodes and clips from the entire 12 seasons of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning animated series. The site which rolled out a beta version last Wednesday has already received over three million page views, over two million video plays, and more than a million streams of full episodes." ("Peabody-Award-winning?" Whatever. ) http://www.southparkstudios.com/

This is actually kinda interesting. I expected - nay, I flat-out predicted - that Brit's pop-up role on "How I Met Your Mother" would bring boatloads of new viewers to the show. That hundreds of millions would tune in to see for themselves whether a.) she could act; b.) she could expunge the memory of the VMAs; and c.) whether a new career was in the offing.

I mean - Good God, we're talking about Britney here, The Most Downloaded Person on the Planet. Surely that would add up to another ten or twenty million viewers...

Surely, but...no. CBS just sent out the overnights on "HIMYM," and they're perfectly OK, but not - again - what I expected. Bottom line: The show was seen by a total of 10.62 million viewers, or up 1.01 mill from the season average.

And yes, "DWTS" easily won the night.

Well, I'm thinking tonight's double-elimination is probably one of the easiest calls in "DWTS" history. First of all, Monica. Great tennis player. Not great dancer. Last night was a deal-sealer, because whatever she did...I don't even fully recall...was not so much a display of incompetence as much a display of boredom. "This dancing business...ho hum...couldn't be bothered..." She's scored (I believe) 15 two weeks in a row, which simply means she'd need an extraordinary audience turn-out to overcome the judge liability.

That won't happen.

And...Penn. Comedy on the dance floor is fine - but trick ties, and voodoo dolls, and other tricks of the comedian/magician trade become distractions almost as much as the size 22 feet. Again, the judges penalized him last night (no score ever given for "comedy timing") which means another massive turn-out by viewers is needed. That just won't happen either.

Why not Carolla? Good question, and you could certainly call it a toss-up, I imagine, but there was a whole lotta redeeming going on last night. The "Mitch" business as a way of explaining away his "bitch" comment to Carrie Ann? That might just annoy viewers, while a simple apology might've worked a hell of a lot better. Who'll for for AC - who displayed major improvement last night BTW? Maybe radio fans. But that's a real stretch.

But only two can go tonight and my picks are Penn and Monica.

Here's Monica one more time; can't bear to watch Penn again...

This is finally official so no sense in waiting around any more to tell you about it: "Prison Break" has been picked up for a fourth season. "PB" is certainly no barn-burner in terms of audience appeal, but it does have a core audience and the core'll keep the show around another year. No details on the new season, but Fox does appear to be making some concession to costs: Show will shift production from Dallas (where it's been the last two season) to L.A. So...somehow Scofield, now out of that Panamanian prison, is presumably heading north, way north, to Los Angeles where he'll wreak havoc on the Company next fall. This is OK, because L.A. - already nuked by "24" - knows full well how to deal with maniacal revenge. Meanwhile, no worries about bumping into Bauer cuz he'll be in D.C. next season.

Woke up early this morning, actually last night, from troubled dreams. In my fevered sleep, imagined the world today was heaping great mountains of praise on Britney Spears. "A triumph!," says the Times, in an above the fold review. "Scintillating, sly, sexy," says USA Today, equally full of delusion. "The beginning of the beginning," enthused Variety. "Last night, 'How I Met Your Mother.' Next year, could Oscar be knocking on Britney's door!"

Then, I awoke with a start. A dream, I mumbled. No, a NIGHTMARE. Britney everywhere, in my dreams, like some horrifying apparition. That last line, "can we have some sex and then go shopping?" repeating in an endless loop in my brain, and each time I groan in horror that someone actually wrote that.

Britney, Britney, BRITNEY!

Anyway, to make this long nightmare short, I got up, turned on "GMA," and there's Diane Sawyer: "And last night, Britney's acting debut, to heaps of PRAISE!!"

Aaaarrrggghhh! I had entered my own "Groundhog's Day." Just me and Brit - going around and around forever, me watching an endless re-run cycle of "How I Met Your Mother," her saying, "...then go shopping...then go shopping...then..."

I'm feeling much better though because at least (I realized) KFed wasn't on last night's show.

This is a subject that has puzzled scholars for generations - a problem so deep and rich and riddled with so much complex minutiae that many have simply thrown up their hands in frustration, as if to say: "Scheesh..I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine..."

Here's the problem: What's the best sitcom of all time?

It seems easy, doesn't it? Oh, yes - DECEPTIVELY easy. Sure, "Seinfeld" is the best of all time. Or is it? If you say "Seinfeld, seasons 1-3," then it seems like a slam dunk, or maybe just seasons four and five - also pretty darned good. But what happens when you fold in the last couple of seasons? That's right - the overall batting average drops.

"I Love Lucy?" I suppose that's a contender, but after little Ricky came along, I dunno - it lost something.

We could go on and on and on and on. But we'll let our colleagues over at "Pet Rock" - right here at the Newsday - go on and on and on. They're running a "sitcom playoff," similar to the NCAA playoffs. Voting for the first round ends in just about five minutes, so if you're hearing about this for the first time, you've still got a minute to get your votes in. Next round follows, and another after that - until the King (or Queen) is crowned!

What will it be? Scholars will be very pleased - a 500-year-old argument will be settled once and for all...

Is "Seinfeld" the best...or is it "Good Times!"...or howabout...

If you happen to have a minute this afternoon at around four, it's probably a reasonably good idea to check out "Oprah," because Billy Joel and wife Katie Lee plan to give "their first ever" joint interview with anyone anywhere. It's one of those "at home" encounters that O does with celebs - you know, she walks through their house and goes on about how "spectacular" the place is, etc. etc. In fact, she will use the "s" word, because here's the announcement: "Follow our cameras inside their spectacular New York City brownstone, which was decorated by 'Oprah's Big Give' host and design expert Nate Berkus. Plus, Katie Lee Joel cooks up the family's favorite recipe, and Billy Joel performs 'Only the Good Die Young' live from the 'Oprah' stage."

And that, friends, is that: CBS has pulled the plug on "Jericho," ending one of the more extraordinary tales of survival in recent TV history.

Here's the official statement from Nina Tassler, CBS chief, and - cynical beast that I am - I'd still say that it's sincere and heartfelt:

"The March 25th episode of Jericho will be the series finale. Without question, there are passionate viewers watching this program; we simply wish there were more. We thank an engaged and spirited fan base for keeping the show alive this long, and an outstanding team of producers, cast and crew that went through creative hoops to deliver a compelling, high quality second season. We have no regrets bringing the show back for a second try. We listened to our viewers, gave the series an opportunity to grow, and the producers put a great story on the screen. We're proud of everyone's efforts."

Well, really: This whole thing was a long shot, but what a story nevertheless. When CBS killed the show after the first season ('06-'07), fans organized this quite literally nutty effort to get the webheads to change their minds. They sent millions and millions of nuts to them, inundating CBS offices in New York and LA, and finally getting execs to re-think the execution. They thought...more nuts came...and thought some more...more nuts came...and then, boom, they re-newed the show they had just canceled.

"Jericho" got only a seven-episode order, but fans hoped for more. Alas, ratings shriveled and Tassler pulled the trigger.

This is the end. Forever. Hold the nuts.

Wassa matter, Al? Bored with retirement? Not enough to do? No one to yell at?

Well, it does appear that the One, the Only, LI's Very Own Al D'Amato is shopping a "here comes da judge" TV show. Hollywood Reporter broke the big story this morning - scooped again, eh, Gay? - so I may as well just reprint the whole story for your edification AND amusement:

"Al D'Amato, the former U.S. senator from New York, has his sights set on daytime television.
A court show that D'Amato has been shopping to the syndication business for fall 2009 has drawn interest from major syndicators.

"D'Amato, a Republican who served in the Senate from 1981 to 1999, was nicknamed "Senator Pothole" for his willingness to meet with constituents and help them with their individual cases. He also was known for his lengthy and at times comical filibusters on the floor of the Senate, one of which found him answering questions from a visiting colleague, reciting names and singing "South of the Border."

"He published a book, "Power, Pasta & Politics: The World According to Senator Al D'Amato," in 1995 and founded the consulting firm Park Strategies four years later.

"His representatives at Rebel Entertainment Partners declined comment Thursday.

"Court shows are one of the most robust genres in first-run syndication, with no fewer than 11 now on the air and two more -- Sony's "Judge Karen" and Program Partners "Family Court With Judge Penny" -- set to debut in the fall. The shows are perceived as one of the safer bets in daytime programming because they continue to draw solid ratings, led by perennial front-runner "Judge Judy.""

OK, so this may not be your cuppa tea, but it's a very big development in the New York arts community and in public TV here: WNET/13 debuts this Sunday its long-awaited "SundayArts" program.

First show up: New York City Opera's production of "Madama Butterfly" with James Valenti and Shu-Ying Li. There'll be opera every week (at noon), plus some other diversions along the way. Here's the line-up into April: "Great Performances at the Met: Hansel and Gretel" and "Peter and the Wolf" (3/30) - the latter, I believe, that Oscar-winning program set to Prokofiev; "Great Performances at the Met: Roméo et Juliette (4/6);" and "Great Performances at the Met: Macbeth (4/13)."

Dear old "SundayArts" - it's brand new, but it does feel "dear" and "old" already - will try to mix it up a little too. Here's a direct quote from a press release that my friends at 13 just sent: "Along with classic performances, [news] segments will feature on-the-scene reports from some of the hottest shows around town, plus profiles and interviews with the people who matter in the art world — from William Wegman, Wynton Marsalis and Metropolitan Opera chief Peter Gelb, to a Brooklyn chalk artist and a hip hop artist-poet."

Honestly, I think this'll be great - for those who have time Sundays at noon to watch.

Here's some great news from the world of television news: Bob Schieffer, one of the greats in CBS News history who indicated in a recent AP story that he was hanging it up at the end of this season, has had a change of heart.

And more big Schieffer news - he's at work on another book. His last - "This Just In: What I Couldn't Tell You on TV" - was one of most interesting and lively accounts of a journalist's life that I've ever read....

Here's what Bob told me in a recent email: "[CBS News prez] Sean McManus has asked me to rethink my decision so I am rethinking. We are working out the details but he has the basketball tournament to think about this week and I am away on vacation but it looks like I will stay around a bit longer.

" I would rather not say more about it until we get it all worked out. I got the galleys for the book last week and just sent them back to Neil Nyren, my editor at Putnam (also publisher of This Just In ) It is scheduled to be released in September, just after the political conventions. It is a collection of my commentaries from 'Face the Nation' and even includes some of the longer opinion pieces I wrote for CBS Radio way back in the '70s. The collection includes essays on everything from war and peace to advice to fathers on how to 'act normal' which was the order I got from my daughters when we held the first boy-girl party at our house."

On last night's "Lost" (smartly recapped as usual by my colleague Verne Gay), in the scene where Michael tried to kill himself, he turns on his car radio and hears Mama Cass' minor 1969 song "It's Getting Better."

"Lost" fans with long memories probably recall another minor Mama Cass song ("Make Your Own Kind of Music") being used in an earlier episode that took place the first time we saw Desmond in the infamous hatch (what that coincidence means, I'll leave up to "Lost" deconstruction experts such as VGay).

Anyway, now that you've heard the song, here's an extremely rare clip of Mama Cass performing it.

Was that good for you? It was good for me - enough answers, just enough, to keep us wondering about all the many outstanding questions. Enough reprisals to make us realize, happily, that saying "goodbye" on "Lost" is never forever, but usually for just a season or two. And perhaps enough suspense to make us wish April 24 was here tomorrow instead of a month from now.

Here's what we now know: The identity of the O 6 (and clearly, Michael is not among them); that the island preserves some lives, but not others (begging another question); that Walt is alive; that Micheal, burdened by guilt and who knows what else, is probably not the guy in the coffin at the end of last season; that the jet at the bottom of the ocean was not the real O 815 (though everyone had guessed that early on anyway).

That's just a partial list, of course. Last night was such a "reveal rush" that I'm sure I missed 85 other things, but this'll do for now. Some good outstanding questions to ponder: Is Rousseau really dead? (What do you think?) What's the significance of Mama Cass ("...things are getting better all the time..") or any significance at all? Who are the "good guys" among the Freighter people, and wouldn't Naomi be considered one? Why did Sayid sell out Michael so quickly? Who lurked in the reeds? Why can Tom work out a physical return, but not (say) Libby?

Just wondering...and wondering...and wondering...

(Meanwhile, faithful reader, Toby OB posted this comment, and I think it provides valuable illumination: "As to your last point about Tom vs. Libby in re: to physical returns, since that was a flashback, Tom was still alive at that point in the timeline. Libby was dead and buried...."

Thanks Toby.

(Above, Mr. Friendly's back, without beard, and he's ummm, friendly.)

Stop me if you've heard this story before but...last summer I was in this restaurant in Hollywood with one of my best friends on the planet (Mike Hruska) when who should casually stroll in but Harold Perrineau.

This entrance, after...a day at the Press Tour in Beverly Hills (how we suffered) where critics angrily confronted the boss of ABC Entertainment, Steve McPherson, when he refused (declined, perhaps is the better word) to tell them the huge secret about the new season of "Lost," because Darlton (Carlton Cuse/Damon Lindelof) planned to break the news to the nerds...errrr...the highly intelligent people down in Comic-Con, then being held at that very moment in San Diego.

Well, you just won't believe what happened: The critics started a full scale riot! They broke up the furniture. Started throwing their computers (laptops, to be exact.) Epithets were strewn about. A terrified McPherson reached for his cellphone and called Darlton; we overheard him: "Can I tell these nerds...errrr, highly intelligent people...the secret?" he said over the din.

He raised his hand. Suddenly, there was silence.

"Michael," he said, "is coming back to 'Lost.'"

This is a true story, sort of, with a few embellishments.

Anyway, Harold was so amused after I told him about that morning's Press Tour riot that he proceeded to tell me what was going to happen when he reappeared this season as "Kevin Johnson," and who the "Oceanic 6" were, and...

Well, I can't tell you any more or he would kill me.

In any event, the most anticipated "Lost" of the season: In thirty minutes.

Here's a little overlooked fact about MS and certainly not one you'll be hearing/reading about anytime soon in one of the many Martha Stewart publications, websites, magazines, TV shows, or whatever other media outlet she controls: It's been just over three years since she got out of prison (March 3, 2005.)

And here we are today, three years later, and she just celebrated the 500th edition of her daytime TV show, "The MS Show." That's what I'd call "overcoming an obstacle" - a little easier when you are a billionaire, perhaps, and one of the most famous people on the planet. But nevertheless, still impressive. Bill Clinton was there the 500th - no big deal, he turns up for the opening of an envelop - and so was Conan O'Brien, who - I assume - shared his funny story about that "Conan O'Brien St. Patrick's Day Stew" recipe in Good Housekeeping.

The mentors are back! The mentors are back! And with that, the Beatles may soon be gone.

Yeah, last night Ryan Seacrest gave a fuller list of this season's mentors - Mariah Carey, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond - and you can be reasonably certain that they're not coming aboard to help the final ten with the Lennon/McCartney canon. I'm pretty certain Parton - BTW - was already expected, and probably MC too. Mentors - you'll recall - have been a key part of the show over the years, though producers cooled to 'em this season because they decided to focus more on the kids' back-stories as opposed to the back-stories of the rich-and-famous coaching them.

But...obviously a bad decision in retrospect. They were (or at least were sometimes) viewer faves, and the contestants got a kick out of them as well. And - arguably - they made the songs and performances better, or at least as good as they could be. Certainly Diana Ross knows a little bit more about how to sing one of her own hits than one of the "Idol" resident musical pros, right?

The absence of mentors has also been a possible, or probable, reason why the last two Beatles weeks have been such a considerable disappointment. The singers, half the age of the songs, in some instances didn't know the songs, and certainly weren't plugged into their rich, mythic lore. Result - a lotta bad performances.

Last year, in fact, "Idol" DID get permission from Sony/Micheal Jackson to dip into the Beatles songbook (they could choose a few songs - this season, the whole book was open to them.) But they canned the idea when they couldn't get a Beatles "mentor." They wanted legendary Beatles producer/frontman George Martin, and here's what "Idol" bossman Ken Warwick said at the time:

"The problem we found - or the problem we've had, obviously - is that we need a mentor who's up to the job. We were after George Martin, and his schedule unfortunately... we tried every which way. We had permission from the record company, we just couldn't get George."

Ummm, what about Sir Paul? He did write the songs that people sing, so...

Said Ken: He "took exception" to Simon's comments about the contestants."

"[McCartney's] a nice guy. He doesn't like Simon saying, 'You're horrible. You're the worst I ever heard. You shouldn't be singing.' So the chances of Paul coming on the show were pretty slim."

Oh, Simon...

(Of course, Paul has had his hands full of a few other problems the last few months, so can't put all the blame on our favorite judge...)

Yeah, we have all been mightily bugged by the fact that "Idol" and "DWTS" have decided to go up against each other. What to watch (or TiVo, or what have you)?

Anyway, we have the numbers (thanks to TV Guide for posting these earlier):

"DWTS" got skunked - 15.7 million viewers to "Idol's" 26.8 million at 9, down (nevertheless) nearly two and half million from the week before. So the dancers did have an impact. My hunch: "DWTS's" numbers, at least on Tuesday, will start to build from here.

Ivan Dixon, a fine actor who was best known for portraying the levelheaded Kinchloe on
“Hogan’s Heroes,” has died. He was 76.

Here's a clip of Dixon and his POW pals from that funny, but highly controversial '60s sitcom:

The winner! (Um, already?)

Oh, I'm on to your game, "Dancing with Stars." Oh, yes I am.

Can't fool Uncle Verne. It's so obvious, so ridiculously obvious, that no one will be fooled.

The women are pretty good to excellent, overall. The guys are horrific to good, overall. Do we smell a trend here?

We do. Why have they stacked the odds in favor of the women? Because - of course - women don't vote for women contestants, and "DWTS" is simply attempting to tilt the balance so dramatically in their favor this season that there will be - that there CAN be - no doubt whatsoever that a woman should win "DWTS." A woman MUST win this season; it's the only way the franchise will keep a shred of credibility, otherwise the word will be out, more or less officially, that only guys can win this show, because women viewers are voting for them.

Guys? Honestly - I think I'm the only one on the planet who actually watches "DWTS."

Kristi Yamaguchi was so accomplished last night that she's already secured a final four position - unless the ghost of Sabs Bryan returns to prove once again that (only) the good die young on "DWTS." (And knowing "DWTS," she will...)

Let's break 'em down:

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Sets the tone for the whole evening, with a surprisingly good open round; Hough's great so that shouldn't be a surprise, but Eliz? Who'da figured. All legs and torso. Her Achilles heel: women voters, who will likely discover she was in Maxim or some such mag. That won't help. No, it won't.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism. Those were the things I thought she had in her favor. But last night's performance was so somnolent that I nodded off then fell into a deep dreamless sleep. But...that said, she was still competent.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Tracy Turnblad brings it on home. Man, I just knew the actress in Marissa would trump whatever other deficiencies she might bring to this thing, but you know what? There's raw potential here, and with that big 'ol smile and show biz savvy, I see her as a contender for weeks to come.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: Again, a shocker! What I like about Priscilla is that deep - almost ridiculously deep - sense of purpose. She's so so serious. But that paid off because she took a relatively complicated routine and worked it out nicely. Again, I see HER around for a while, too. And there was also a very telling comment by Sam Harris: "You need to vote guys..." That's right. They need to, but will they?

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: You already know what I think. She's so absurdly good that this whole comp is suddenly over. Good thing ABC needs to stretch this out through the May sweeps... She was actually fun to watch, and "fun" doesn't usually come into the equation in the first round.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: And so it went - a female contestant who was solid on her feet again, and "solid" in a good way. She's someone else who's on this show for a while.

Big Hair is good. Very good.

Yesterday morning, Simon Cowell woke up on the wrong side of bed, fell out flat on on his face, scrambled to his feet, then tumbled head first out the window and straight down into a scummy pond filled with duck poop where he was then set upon by a thousand homicidal Canadian geese.

How else - I ask you in all genuine sincerity - is one to explain his horrendous mood last night?

I've seen Cowell in black moods before - that square Brit face of his scarlet with anger, bile, rage, disappointment, and (flat-out) scorn.

But last night? That was the record. It was that flock of homicidal geese, I suppose.

I mean, seriously people. Where to begin? He spat out insult after insult, until he was so spent he had to consult his (recently published) "Simon Cowell's Book of Insults" for fresh material. By the time poor 'ol Malubay rolled around, he basically just threw up his hands - "you chose really mediocre songs and didn't show the best of your ability."

So, it was also McCartney and Lennon's fault now, eh?

How DARE they write mediocre songs for Ramielle Malubay and all these other pretenders?

Good Lord, man.

He was kinda nice to Mercado and Archie. But that was it.

In some cases, he was absolutely right. Brooke White - my heroine - was horrendous. Amanda Overmyer was so bad that if she gets voted off tonight, then even Paul will feel a little better (after giving Heather a king's ransom.)

But the rest of his judgments were flawed - especially with Carly Smithson. Here. You don't believe me. Watch. She was fine. Simon was nuts.

What's the problem? Simple: Simon, and doubtless the rest of the "Idol" production brain trust, are beginning to regret this Beatle thing. It's become a straitjacket, whereby songs that were gorgeous and indelible when sung by the one-and-onlys almost half a century ago, now sound tinny and trivial when sung by this crew. Yes, Malubay was the perfect example (and Brooke too). "I Should Have Known Better" should have only been sung by Lennon (I think it was Lennon) and no one else, ever. But Simon is so clearly incensed by all this ruination of the Beatles that he's completely lost his judgment and apparently, marbles.

I wonder: When will "Idol" start mixing in other standards again?

Simon slugs Carly. Carly slugs back and scores!

GACK!! This is what "Dancing with the Stars" has wrought:

"Secret Talents of the Stars"

Tuesday, April 8 at 10.

On CBS (which is kinda treading water on Tuesdays, so this rabbit comes outta the hat.)

The news on this show broke during the writers strike, when about 6,000 other reality shows were announced. I kinda hoped CBS had forgotten about it. But they didn't. Details were out this morning:

Let's shorthand this for you. Marla Maples doing gymnastics.

Does that say it all?

Okay, howabout George Takei singing country.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner on bass guitar.

Joe Frazier as an R&B singer.

Danny Bonaduce (oh you just KNOW he had to be in this one) on a unicycle.

Clint Black doing stand-up.

Mya doing tap dance...

I could go on. But why bother. You'll watch. You can't help yourself.

There will be a bunch of other celebrities who didn't get invited to "Dancing with the Stars" doing a bunch of other stuff that you might not normally associate them with, and then viewers during this seven-week sillyfest will vote on who they think does whatever it is they do best, and we'll end up with two finalists, and then sometime in May, a winner will be crowned, and if ratings are REALLY big, then I'll be forced to write a "news" story for the Newsday.

Thanks "DWTS."

I just love Darlton - those mind-bending brainiacs and czars of "Lost" conflated by fans into one (Carlton Cuse/Damon Lindelof.) First, they promise (sort of) that they'll tell the awaiting world of the identities of the Oceanic 6 after the March 13 episode.

Now, they are confirming (to me) that we'll have to wait a little bit longer. The mind-bending games continue! In an email from Carlton - not Darlton - yesterday, he said: "The evidence is all there to identify the six. But for those who remain unconvinced we will confirm the identities of the six on our next podcast."

I do believe the "next podcast" is scheduled for this Thursday when we're informed that Darlton will appear in an audio podcast "to rehash the tumultuous events that lay ahead."

And, ABC just confirmed that the O 6 will in fact be confirmed in this post-"Meet Kevin Johnson" podcast this Thursday.

I'm interested in all this in part because I got some pretty smart responses from readers to my last "Lost" blog where to the best of my limited ability I postulated the identity of the six (Sun/Jack/Kate/Hurley/Sayid/Aaron.) I also idly mused about Jin, but - hello, earth to me - he couldn't be because of the DOD on the tombstone. Man, I gotta read those tombstones more carefully... All this proves is how damn smart my readers are and that they should be the ones writing this blog.

I was especially intrigued by Lou Barber's suggestions:

"Sun/Jack/Kate/Hurley/Sayid/Micheal - I think he was in the coffin that Jack went to visit [while] Kate is keeping [Aaron] a secret, so [he] can't be the O6..."

Beats me, brother. But I will say this: The identity of the Six is not as obvious as we think. It may not even be one of the obvious ones because we all seem to be forgetting that this is "Lost," where the "obvious" is NEVER the "obvious."

Onward, Losties...

(Could the little guy, above, be No.6?)

Soul superstar Otis Redding's posthumous "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" was the No. 1 song on the Billboard charts 40 years ago this week.

Check out this tribute video to Redding, who died in a plane crash on December 10, 1967:

Front-runner. Night One.

So let's get straight to it: The guys are weak. Not awful. Just weak. Add 'em all up together, and you end up with "average." Which isn't good enough.

Of course, there were exceptions, though the best performances last night were still only OK, and enhanced by the ol' charm factor.

Will a guy win the sixth season of "Dancing with the Stars?" With statistics and past history as indicators, the answer is yes. But based on last night, the answer is no.

Let's break 'em on down:

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: He absolutely reminded me of that classic sequence in "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder first introduced his gorgeous creation to the world, and what did Frank do? Dance a soft-shoe on stage. "DWTS" seems to think comic relief was missing from last season, but I'm not sure viewers come to this for laughs. Penn was certainly funny. Bantering with Bruno about card tricks, the latter says: "I've done a few tricks in my life." Penn: "We don't wanna go there..." No, we don't.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: Like this Dolphin so far, and the best example of charisma trumping raw talent (OK, maybe Cristian is the best example, but more on that in a sec.) He's got game and humor and a sense of purpose, and you need all three to click with the viewer at home. So he'll be fine through the opening weeks. Problem is perspective: This combo LOOKS odd, because he's six six and 255 pounds. Edyta is (like) half his size.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: I see great possibilities here, and you know darn well that so does Cheryl who - I would bet my bottom nickel - insisted on the Mad Chilean after having to slump around the stage with Wayne Newton last year. She wants to win again, and probably insisted on a comer as opposed to a loser. He's got pure charisma, and so does she, but he's gotta cut down a bit on that vanity; women voters may swoon at first, but the act will wear thin. He needs to project "sincerity..." He's an actor - should be able to figure it out.

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: Well, you just know this one's doomed. Why did "DWTS" producers decide on this act? I can tell you why. The show - and ABC - want to enrich the male demo on the show, because it's skewing too heavily female. More guys watching means an even bigger audience, and maybe a possibility that they'll vote for women contestants. (Women viewers usually seem to vote for male contestants...) But only problem - Adam could be voted off first. He's funny. That might count for something. But likely not.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: We're on to ya, "DWTS." Those little openers are dead giveaways to performances, always. Karina has a herniated disk. Oh, doom, doom! And of course they were just fine. Mario's the male front-runner - not quite David Archuleta, perhaps, but the guy to beat so far.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Yeah, my first thought too: Steve has had a lot of work done, and by that I mean, "face-lift." He's been completely re-modeled, and my sincere compliments to the surgeon who did the honors. But bless 'im - who cares? He's in Hollywood! You just don't let your face fall and call it a day. In the city of perpetual youth, youth must be served and preserved. Steve's feet did a reasonable job last night too. I think he's on this show for a while - maybe quite a while. People will like his charm and enthusiasm - I believe it's called "infectious." Plus, he'll start giving plugs for his charity, and that'll seal the deal. How could you vote off a guy who has his name on a major charity? You can't! Steve's good to go, plus how savvy can you get? He wished his parents a happy 50th. Oh you're good, Guttenberg. You're very good.

Mr. Hollywood. A keeper - for now.

Yes, this is the first look - the very first look - at BS's turn on CBS's soundstage, which must have come to an absolute grinding halt when she showed up last week to do this cameo in "How I Met Your Mother." Pictured here with Josh Radnor, she's a receptionist in a dermatologist's office and has fallen hard for our hero. (Episode airs next Monday.)

People Mag paid millions of bucks for this photo - but we're giving it to you for free, and all we have to do is credit "People" (ah, the power and fairness of the Internet...)

Anyway, four things to deduce from this photo:

1.) She's lost weight.

2.) Not sure, but I don't expect she'll win an Emmy for this.

3.) Pretty sure the hair is fake, like that guy on "American Idol" (even looks like the same wig...hmmm). But what do I know about hair...

4.) There's no such thing as a book called "The Power of Me," which means she got the book at the same place she got the hair.

Don't you just love TV?

(Photo - and a good one - is by CBS's Monty Brinton.)

Remember "Idol Gives Back" last year - that HUGE one-night-only charity benefit that actually showed Simon doing something nice for someone? It's back, and almost before you know it: Fox just announced that Wednesday, April 9, is the day. But what's especially notable is the size - three-and-a-half hours, from 7:30 to 10 - and the size of the star list.

Yes, everybody who's anybody...or anybody who wants to be somebody...or somebody who's about to become somebody (or will eventually be somebody)...will be on hand. We're talking...Eli Manning, Bono, Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Miley Cyrus, Peyton Manning, Mariah Carey, Fergie, Chris Daughtry, Carrie Underwood, Annie Lennox, John Legend and Snoop Dogg...

It's making me tired just typing out this list...

Plus, Fox says there will be more stars! So many, one imagines, that people will forget to call in the toll-free number to contribute ten bucks to some cause.

Oh the charities - almost forgot about them. They are: The Children’s Defense Fund, The Global Fund, Make It Right, Malaria No More, Save The Children and the Children’s Health Fund.

(Mr. Super Bowl himself - above - will make an appearance on "IGB.")

Laurie Dhue - not to be confused with Jane Skinner, but if you did confuse the two, you'd be forgiven - is bolting Fox News Channel. Anyone who doesn't watch FNC would go right about now, "huh? so what?" but anybody who does will go, "huh! WHAT!" She's been a reasonably visible fixture on the channel that has essentially cornered the market on attractive blonds. There are exceptions - FNC has also "indefinitely" cut loose "Big Story with John Gibson," and as you accurately note, he is not an attractive blond. (He's not leaving FNC, but Eric Burns - longtime media critic - is.)

What's going on over at Fox News? Honestly, I'm not certain: It's always had this swaggering, biggest-baddest-dude-in-town attitude - all courtesy of Roger Ailes - but lately the dude feels pale and wan, like a pitcher who's just lost his devastating breaking ball and everyone on the opposing team knows it. (I'm into mixed metaphors today - just can't help it.)

Is Dhue's departure a huge deal? Of course not. People leave TV networks all the time...but it's still gotta make you wonder. TVnewser, which broke this over the weekend, got a statement out of Fox which says,"Unfortunately, we were unable to come to terms on a new agreement with Laurie. She has been a valued member of Fox News, and we wish her all the best in her future endeavors." (A spokeswoman who just called added nothing to this.) TVnewser added, "Since September she has been working as ombudswoman for The O'Reilly Factor for a segment called 'The Dhue Point.' In what would be her last installment Thursday night, Bill O'Reilly told Dhue, 'I hope you know, this is my favorite segment of the week.'"

It’s hard to comment on some of today’s St. Patrick’s Day-themed programming without seeming to make the same assumptions as the networks who scheduled the shows. So keep in mind that I’m only the messenger here in reporting that more than one channel seems to think the whole Irish identity comes down to – you guessed it – drinking.

The high-def folks at MOJO sent around press releases boasting about their St. Patrick’s Day salute being a 19-episode marathon of “Three Sheets” (2 p.m.-midnight March 17), Zane Lamprey's globetrotting travelogue of bars, pubs and alcohol offerings. Today's marathon makes stops at (in order) Belgium, Costa Rica, Wales, France, Jamaica, Mexico, Ireland, Belize, Croatia, Japan, Czech Republic, Philippines, Venice, Taipei, Munich, Puerto Rico, South Korea, Kentucky and finally New York City.

Even the History channel is in the drink, using St. Patrick’s Day to premiere a new “Modern Marvels” (8 p.m. March 17) hour about whiskey. Their cameras visit the makers of Jack Daniel’s, Jim Beam, Canadian Club, Jameson's and Glenlivet.

Check out History’s St. Patrick’s Day history, quiz, recipes and videos here. See "Three Sheets" video here.

It's St. Patrick's Day today, but it also marks the 113th birthday of Shemp Howard, who for many folks is their Stooge of choice.

Let's toast Shemp here with a clip from the 1947 short, "Sing a Song of Six Pants." (Sorry, but it's the colorized version.)

Just finally catching up to this (old) news from last week, but Defamer had a particularly intriguing account of David Caruso's on-set behavior at "CSI." What's amazing to me - why has Forest Hills-own DC been on good behavior for so long? Or maybe no one's paid attention, which seems highly unlikely? I'll never forget DC's exit from "NYPD Blue" - in a blaze of bad karma, as he sought an early out from his contract to get into "serious" acting on the big screen. Show-runners were furious, while his co-actors felt both betrayed and deeply grateful (a curious feeling no doubt) because he was such an incredibly difficult guy to work with, or as someone put it to me, "he sucks all the oxygen out of the room..." But karma's karma and after DC's "Jade" and "Kiss of Death" tanked, he had to get back into TV. But he got smart, avoided a Don Johnson-type rep, kept his head down and made "CSI: Miami" one of TV's biggest hits. But what does this bad press (all of a sudden) mean?

I never learn. Never ever... I know full well that Kristi Yamaguchi should easily win this season's (the sixth already; how time flies) "Dancing with the Stars" but by so saying, I know now that she won't. Just because she's a world-class athlete? Has performed in a thousand ice shows? Knows how to work audiences? Has a gifted pro by her side (Mark Ballas?)

I'm onto your game, "Dancing." Won't be fooled again. Know you always like to put in a "can't miss" contestant, just to EMBARRASS me when I post my odds, and just to make everyone think, "oh, it's over already..."

It isn't. Simply consider - the odds are far in favor of a guy winning.

Anyway, here are my odds. (This is a repeat of those published in today's paper, so if you've seen 'em already, sorry...)

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: "The Man Show" man, and LA radio personality. Amusing fellow though, one wonders, how will this act play with the predominantly female voting base? Odds: 24:1.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: Chilian actor, and VERY ugly. Plenty of U.S.TV exposure but low name recognition. That could hurt, but not too much. Also, shades of Helio? Also, Cheryl; I believe she's a two-time winner, and after getting stuck with last season's comic relief (Wayne Newton) probably wants to step into winner's circle again. Odds: 7:1.

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Actress ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back") and, I hear, a pretty good poker player. But will she rate here? Unlikely - guys usually (in fact, just about always) win. Odds: 25:1.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Most of us remember Steve back when he was famous ("Diner," et al.) But what have you done for us lately Steve? He's head of something called the Guttenberg House which helps foster kids. Ladies will LOVE that. But this feels like a Mark Cuban kinda entry; he's serious but probably doesn't expect a win. Odds: 8-1.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: Ah, youth. Mario's 21 and also very ugly. Best known of the male celebs here, although demo that watches this show (post 35-year-olds) will think Mario is some kind of an Italian guy. He knows how to rap, but dance? Can probably learn pretty easy if he doesn't. Odds: 10-1.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: Plenty 'o TV exposure, but missing that one...big...break (since "Children of a Lesser God.") She's one of my favorites to go far. Odds: 5:1.

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: Great to have PJ here; he'll add that rare caustic element. Also, I can hardly wait for "DWST" to start showing outtakes from "P&T: Bull&%$@!" or "The Aristocrats." Odds: 200:1.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: She's in that sweet spot, demographically, with vast name recognition. Love her chances to go far, but not into winners' circle. Odds: 7:1.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism and (of course) winner's spirit. But I just don't think voters'll go all the way for her. Odds: 10:1.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: The Dolphins?! (Gulp.) But like Mario and Cristian, he's very VERY ugly. That said, I like his chances best of all the guys. Odds: 4:1.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Love the thought of Tracy Turnblad winning "DWTS." She's a very good actress too, which counts for a great deal on "DWTS." Odds: 6:1.

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: On paper (and maybe on-screen), KY is unbeatable. Forget the skating championships - millions of them - it's the ice show tours that give her such a huge edge here. She makes it to the final two, unless she's done in by that "why vote for her because she's so good" syndrome, which did in Sabrina Bryan last year. Can a woman win this show (ever again)? That's the big question. Odds: 3:1.

Let's give the end of the working week an appropriate sendoff today with a song that's been playing in my head since, oh, 9 a.m. Monday morning. (And maybe it's been playing in yours, too.)

From the spring of 1967, check out The Easybeats, one of the coolest bands to come out of Down Under, and their biggest hit, "Friday on My Mind."