The TV Zone

Readers really should check out my colleague Diane Werts' terrific write-up on "Oprah's Big Give" in Sunday's paper, and online right now. Read it carefully before you decide to devote an hour of your time Sunday night to this show. Heed the words, and then you may decide as I did: Zzzzzzz.

Oh, it's not bad, this "Big Give" from the Big O. Just derivative: Oprah-meets-"The Apprentice"-meets-"Extreme Makeover (The Oprah Edition!)."

Oh, it's not ugly. The contestants are beauties for the most part, chosen for their telegenics as much as their entrepreneurial moxy.

Oh, it's not manipulative - not TOO much, anyway. Who can be cynical around a woman whose husband was murdered or some sad soul who's homeless? Just when you want to bash the set, these tragic tales are trotted out.

And (oh), it's not boring - just amazingly busy. So busy that you'll lose track of who's who, and why we were supposed to care in the first place.

In other words, skip it. But here's a question though: Doesn't O have enough to do, between electing a future president, and launching a Youtube channel, and producing a network radio show, and movies, and reading/promoting books with a thousand pages, and starring in that little daily TV show of hers...?

To not love Oprah is - in some strange, indefinable way - almost WRONG. She insists that we love her, and the culture insists that we love her, and yes, I guess we do love her. But seriously, O: Enough. Take a break. This hyperactivity feels very needy, and - don't worry - we'll still love you in the morning if you just dial down.

Today's video is a tribute to Mike Smith, the lead singer of the Dave Clark 5, who passed away yesterday -- just two weeks shy of seeing his British Invasion band being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Here's a rare newsreel from the band's first U.S. visit in 1964, including knockout performances of "Glad All Over" and "Because."

With so little that’s truly fresh finding its way to network prime-time anymore, you hate to see a scripted series that’s actually ambitious and relevant getting pushed to the back burner.

But that’s what happens this weekend with “Aliens in America,” the CW comedy that used to air in Monday’s 8 p.m. hour, but has now -- to make room for more of those oh-so-profound “reality” programs -- been shunted to the CW’s little-watched Sunday lineup (8:30 on CW/11).

New episodes arrive this weekend and continue through spring, so you can still watch “Aliens” take a swing at great things. Sometimes it whiffs, and sometimes its technique is a little immature, I admit. But what other series dares to plop a Muslim Pakistani teenager into the white-bread midwest of suburban Wisconsin, where two confounded cultures get to learn to get along with each other?

While so many of the reality shows with which The CW now lavishes us (Monday’s “Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious”?) are superficial and mean-spirited, “Aliens” shows folks opening their hearts -- and yes, their minds -- where they don’t have to and maybe don’t want to. Exchange student Raja (Adhir Kalyan) brings a broader world to high school host Justin (Dan Byrd) and family (especially mom Amy Pietz). And Raja learns to understand where Americans are coming from, while still upholding his own firm cultural/religious beliefs.

“Aliens” employs a heightened comic reality that some viewers have found too simplistic, the Americans being ignorant boobs, the Pakistani boy offering precocious wisdom, and most of it being delivered through juvenile antics. But that’s not always true. And it’s certainly not the point. As in its equally warm kid-centered lead-in, “Everybody Hates Chris” (now airing Sundays at 8), people are people, no matter who or what (or where) they are. Instead of fearing the unfamiliar, or jumping to cliched conclusions, these characters celebrate curiosity, compassion and the commonality of us all.

And in this TV era where people are increasingly judged on their looks, celebrity or game-playing ruthlessness, a little slice-of-life centered on the soul is a gift that shouldn’t be overlooked.

[CW photo above: Adhir Kalyan as Raja, Scott Patterson as Gary, Dan Byrd as Justin in "Aliens in America."]

Ya know, I don't often confess to this sort of thing - being the sort of fellow who watches TV with a jaundiced eye, and fully expecting the worst and often getting the worst. But last night's 44 minutes of "Lost" were among the most satisfying forty-four minutes in front of the tube in my life.

It wasn't merely a brilliant episode, which pushed the Mythology forward more rapidly and richly than any episode in my memory, but it was an emotional release. This, I say, by way of explaining that I actually cried when Penny and Desmond finally - finally, oh God, FINALLY - connected. Yes, what a silly ass I am - shedding a couple of hot tears over a reunion we've been waiting a year for, when the world is going to hell, and the economy along with it, and Newsday whacking 120 jobs...Yet here I am, blubbering over Penny and Desmond.

"I love you," said Desmond.

"I love you too," said Penny.

"Me, too, me TOO," said a silly ass who pretends to be a TV critic.

Oh what a fool am I, but who cares? This is why we watch TV - to escape the follies of our daily existence, and no TV show I can think of has more successfully achieved that standard - OK, maybe "The Sopranos," maybe "The Wire," maybe... - than this one.

There wasn't one, single, solitary false note, or at least nothing that let us momentarily try to reconcile Desmond's past history on "Lost" with his time-travel toggling last night. It was an episode in and of itself, pulling in just enough back story to enrich that spectacular climax. (And that wonderful off-key endnote, when Faraday stares at the piece of paper and learns that HIS "constant" will be Desmond.)

As always, "Lost" was a joyous hall of mirrors that forces the viewer to navigate - mentally - off-screen to understand, or attempt to understand, the maze (rat's maze! another wonderful touch) of references and links.

Minkowski? Our dearly departed communications man? Named for the German mathematician who - to quote "Lostpedia," which as usual is the indispensable source for such matters - created the "hyper-dimensional manifold in which Einstein's equations for special relativity are perfectly solvable."

Hyper...huh, whaaa??? That strange outgrowth of quantum mechanics which establishes, sort of, that we exist simultaneously, in different realms of "realities," hence hyper-reality.

Now you're crying too. I'm sorry. But I hope you see my point: That there's nothing like "Lost" on TV, never has been, never will be, and four seasons in, that I still care so deeply means a.) That I need to get a life; or b.) These guys are doing something right.

The first pro is gone: Robbie Carrico, as you probably know, got the boot last night, but he's the first of "Idol's" professional-rich crop this season to find little favor with the fans.

Others gone: Alaina Whitaker, Jason Yeager, and Alexandrea Lushington. We're down to sixteen now.

Carrico a surprise? Not entirely, given the faux-rocker-I-wanna-be-Daughtry performances (and especially Tuesday night's pan by Simon) whose "Hot-Blooded" left everyone cold-blooded. Plus, voters may have been distracted by the raging hair debate: real or fake? It's REALLY hard to concentrate on a performance when you're studying the roots.

Nevertheless, Robbie knew how to do this, and he should: He was a member of "Boyz N Girlz United," which used to open (I understand) for Britney. He is, or was, also part of "Idol's" concerted effort to lift the quality of the field this season by salting in seasoned pros/or highly experienced and polished neophytes. Not that there's anything wrong with that (other than the fact that I always foolishly assumed this was an amateur competition), but the two current front-runners are also of that breed. You could argue, I suppose, that Joanne Borgella - also gone last week - was a "pro" too, but her background was in modeling/acting. Amy Davis? Also a model (Maxim...)

Lushington? Too bad. I liked her. Whitaker, too - girl next door type, and howabout that make-up job Wednesday. Yeager? Si was way too hard on this kid; yeah, it may have been a lounge lizard croon act, but he had a good voice and decent stage presence. Life goes on, but sorta wished he had too...

In any event, let's say goodbye to Robbie in style: He's a clip from the Boyz N Girlz days, and better days - apparently - they were. Plus, no wig:

"quarterlife?" What? You didn't watch it the other night? Neither did 297 million other Americans, which is why it's being shunted over to Bravo from NBC - which plucked it (so to speak) from Myspace.

What's "quarterlife?" It got a lot of ink during the strike in part because of its provenance (the web) and its auteurs (including Marshall Herskovitz, TV/movie scribe superstar.) But it then got a one-night try-out on Wednesday, was seen by just over 3 million viewers (the debate, yes, the debate got more than twice as many viewers), and the hook was produced.

By the way, it's not a bad show - a little too cute and tiresome perhaps, and kind of a rip-off of "iCarley," which had the idea of kids producing their own webcast last fall. Plus, why isn't the "q" capitalized? (cuz it's a web show - get it?) Oh well - it'll work fine on bravo, i imagine.

Major-shakeup-at-WNBC/4 alert!

Dan Forman, the top news director and a Channel 4 vet who oversaw the recent overhaul of the early evening news, has been ousted. He'll stick around until the end of March, per a memo sent out by station boss, Frank Comerford.

While hardly as important to Ch. 4 as Chuck/Sue (though Sue has lately been dropped somewhat from that linkage), Forman's been the captain of this ship for years (and he was once Howard Stern's producer.) His most recent gambit - dropping Sue Simmons off the early evening (she's back on 5 and has remained at 11) while letting Chuck S. run solo.

Problem is, numbers. They're awful.

Chuck's 7 p.m. solo shot in February, for example, got only 249,000 viewers; at 6, NBC was seen by ONLY 248,000 viewers. Keep in mind, friends. This is New York City - the biggest apple in the barrel, and only 248,000? Which is EVEN less than Ch. 41 (280,000)?

The local news market got hit hard in February sweeps overall, (although there were isolated bright spots for Ch. 2.)

How does this affect Chuck and Sue? We await...

(Above, is Sue happy about all this?)

Yeah, yeah - everyone might automatically assume Fox would be the first out the box to do a primetime special on William F. Buckley, and in fact it will - this Saturday at 10, in a David Asman-hosted hour.

But what's so surprising is a.) why only an hour? and b.) why on Saturday (late)? WFB's the patron saint of conservatism, for crying out loud, and FNC is, well, FNC. Per Fox: "During this program, FNC will show never-before-seen interviews with Buckley detailing his 60 years in the conservative movement and will feature interviews with some of the most influential figures in the conservative moment who discuss the impact Buckley had on them, America and the world."

Every weekday at lunchtime, Boomer TV will post a video that we hope will amuse you while you're scarfing down your sandwich.

This morning, the local oldies radio station played "Get a Job" by the Silhouettes, which was the No. 1 song in the USA 50 years and one month ago, although I haven't heard it in years It's one of the funniest rock and roll songs ever and also spawned the immortal debate: Did these one-hit wonders from Philly sing "sha da da da" or "sha na na na" (from which the '50s revival band reportedly took its name)?

(Of course, if you're old enough to remember this song, you'd probably be considered too old to actually get a job today. But I digress.)

Here's a TV performance of the group, although I'm unclear of what show this was taken from.

Big week in soapland. On Friday, CBS’ “Guiding Light” goes to a new production model of shooting on-location and in more realistic four-walled sets with handheld cameras, trying to freshen the look of the uber-traditional daytime drama genre.

And this Thursday afternoon at 3, ABC’s “General Hospital” starts climaxing its big Text Message Killer story by employing movie-like special effects to portray victims dangling from rooftops and cars plunging off bridges.

“GH” dabbled in these effects in its late-night SOAPnet spinoff “Night Shift,” and now the green-screen/CGI process makes its way to daytime. If it flies with producers and viewers, the low-budget soaps would be able to stretch their production dollars without costly night/location shoots or crashes/explosions.

“GH” is well-positioned to take advantage of Hollywood effects, since it shoots in a sprawling old movie studio there. (“All My Children” and “One Life to Live” work in cramped Manhattan stages.) Helping create the Text Message Killer climax (running over at least the next three episodes) was Stargate Digital, a visual effects company that also works on such high-profile projects as “Heroes,” “ER” and “Nightmares and Dreamscapes.” Stargate also creates "Ugly Betty's" Manhattan and Queens exterior “location” shots on Hollywood soundstages. (Look real, don’t they?)

See “GH” before and after examples below.

And if you catch their work on “GH” this week, let us know what you think.

Before I get to the meat of this quick blog, one quick observation about last night's "Idols" women edition: Wow. They're all, or mostly all, damn good. You can whine or moan or wheeze or blow about "style" or "pitch" or whatever, but still - wow. This is probably the best "Idol" crew in memory - an infinite improvement over last season. I could easily add a couple asterisks to this assessment - yeah, there were some weak performances, but nothing horrendous.

But let's get to this other observation: The Ones To Beat? They'll be beaten. (By the way, please check out the comments - I got some smart and thoughtful reactions to this blog, and you may well agree with them...)

I am amused by Simon's glowing tributes the last two nights to David Archuleta and Carly Smithson. You're the ones to beat! His direct quote re: Carly: "I don't think the other girls can touch you..."

But comments like this consign the recipient to...well, you know what. An exit.

Here's why. First, forget that these two contestants are in fact marvelous - they're SUPPOSED to be, as part of "Idol's" concerted effort to avoid dogs making it into the final rounds (as has happened too frequently in recent years.) They are top notch...they are budding pros...Smithson (as you all know) WAS a pro...and Archie is so good he could have easily taken the traditional route of agent/to-role-on-"iCarly" (or one of those shows)/to record deal.

We call that the Ashley Tisdale route.

But here's the thing, friends. When You're the One To Beat, you're the one people ultimately don't end up voting for. They assume you've already GOT the vote, so why bother?

We call this The Melinda Doolittle Syndrome.

She was the greatest singer in "Idol" history, by far. She was indeed the Great One.

Where O' where is Mel now?

Here's my choice of the one to beat: Brooke White.

But what do I know.

(Above, Brooke White, the real one to beat?)

The biggest "Idol" news of the year broke yesterday, and some of us are now left to wonder: Did Michael Jackson have something to do with this?

Ryan Seacrest broke that news on his radio show yesterday morning, saying that Sony/ATV has FINALLY given "American Idol" the rights to perform songs from the Beatles' catalog.

That's just under 200 songs, and some of them - OK, many of them - the greatest of the 20th century.

It's a huge break for "Idol" (as if "Idol" needs a huge break) because it has tried to get 'em for years but has met resistance for reasons both mysterious and obscure. "When the Top 12 sing for the first time this season, it will be the music of Lennon and McCartney," top boss Nigel Lythgoe told Seacrest (as quoted in RealityTVworld.com.) "We've given them a list because it's all of the early songs -- from 'I Want to Hold Your Hand' to 'Got to Get You Into My Life.' These fantastic songs. It's one of the few areas that everybody knows."

Why now, after all the foot-dragging? Said Lythgoe, "I think it was the talent this year. They see that it's real talent, and hear it. Everyone's so good this season, that they're saying, 'Yeah, go ahead. Sing the songs.'"

Well...ummm...ahhh...As we say in the TV trade, that sounds bogus (no offense, Nigel.) Money certainly changed hands - lots and lots of green - and the banks apparently are about to auction off Neverland, so...back to that question about MJ.

Yes, the first thought you may have, or at least I did: What did Michael Jackson have to do with this? Neverland was, in fact, scheduled to go to auction in mid-March but CNN is now reporting that Jacko has kept the wolves at the door by raising a loan and will now avoid foreclosure.

Jackson appeared poised to sell his share of the catalog (total value around half a billion, with 251 songs, although Lythgoe used the 180 figure) back to Sony a couple of years ago. Because of the legal problems, the gloved one's financial condition was so desperate that it looked like he was about to part with one of the world's greatest cultural treasures. There was a flurry of press at the time (2005) that it was even a fait accompli.

But...it's unclear whether he actually ever did sell.

If sold, he likely had nothing to do with the "Idol" Beatles deal; if not sold, maybe he did, and "Idol" has saved Neverland.

I'll try to get to the bottom of this curious story, sports fans.

In any event, yesterday's coincidence is certainly interesting...

Illustration, top: Günter Edlinger

I've followed MSNBC a lot of years - early years, promising years, fat years, then the bad years, which frankly have been just about all the years. (Remember Jesse Ventura? Phil Donahue...?? Ratings you couldn't find with the Hubble Telescope?)

So it's fitting that I call attention to the best night in MSNBC history, which happened just last night. Yes, there was a debate, and yes, a lot of people have been interested in these debates. But this performance is still extraordinary: 7.8 million people tuned in, which is just astounding for any network that's spelled with these five letters. It was the third biggest debate audience to date. Here's network boss Phil Griffin kvelling in a press release - he's entitled:

"Voters are incredibly engaged and passionate about the presidential election; it's one of the most exciting in history. I'm proud that millions of viewers were able to experience the most anticipated debate of the season on MSNBC. This is an exciting time for MSNBC, and numbers like these show that our work in establishing the network as the place for politics over the past two years has paid off."

Long before there was Bill O'Reilly, or - for that matter - long before there was SeanhannityKeithOlbermannChrisMatthews or any other talking head who makes his living by slinging words with bite (or bile) there was William F. Buckley, Jr.

We like to offer our own parochial views here at TV Zone when something momentous happens (you know the drill - how was TELEVISION involved in that major event that just took place). But you really don't have to stretch too far when it comes to Buckley, who has died at the age of 82. Most people - fleetingly in recent years - tend to have thought of him as that stiff-upper-lipped tight-jawed Connecticut Yankee Brahmin (and staunch Roman Catholic who probably frowned at Vatican II.) If they thought a little harder, they might have realized that with astounding verbal dexterity and an authorial prolixity that was both hurculean and borderline absurd (novels! autobiographies! magazines!) he redefined the Conservative Movement. But if they thought just a little bit further after THAT, they also realized this: He redefined TV too.

Over thirty-three years, "Firing Line," and by association, its host, symbolized public TV almost as much as "Masterpiece Theatre" or Fred Rogers. With his brilliance and erudition, Buckley forged a country's - maybe even an entire world's - image of American conservatism; he made the "movement" respectable and even (if this is possible) INTELLECTUAL. Hence, the power of TV. There's certainly much, much to remember about WFB and "FL" (and my thanks to Wikipedia for jogging my memory): It actually began at Ch. 9 before shifting to Ch.13, while Jeff Greenfield, Mark Green and Michael Kinsley appeared frequently over the years as well. It was civilized if not always civil, while watching Buckley mumble his questions, and fold those bandy legs of his, created indelible sounds and images to last a lifetime. Went off the air just as the last century came to a close.

Here's a vintage clip that can give you a sense of the style; it's a little jumpy,but there's Bill debating Noam Chomsky. Imagine ANYONE - O'Reilly, let's say - debating Noam Chomsky these days?! But that's the kind of show this was. Charlie Rose may, in fact, owe far more to this style than any of the cable gunslingers, but they are all indebted.

I really don't want to get in the habit of directing all those readers that we fight hard for here in TV Zone over to some other entertainment website, but - Lord - this one I can't resist. We now have it on very good authority - TMZ, natch - that Robbie Carrico's long blond tresses are actually...FAKE.

Another "Idol" controversy!

TMZ claims it has "learned" the hair is a wig, which effectively concludes a debate that's been raging on "My Idol" forums for days.
To wit, real or, umm, polyester?

And if fake, then what lies under that mountain of hair? A perfectly polished dome? A mohawk? Or - perhaps - purple-died tresses, which might conceivably deter elder ladies (for example) from voting for him?

When you wake up the morning of March 20, make sure you put on a sweater.

That's because March 20 would have been Fred Rogers' 80th birthday. So to mark the occasion, the day is being promoted as “Sweater Day” to honor the kids' TV pioneer's tradermark apparel.

“Sweater Day” will cap a six-day celebration planned by Family Communications Inc. of Pittsburgh. Rogers created the company to produce "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."

David Newell, who played speedy deliveryman Mr. McFeely on the
show, appears in this video that touts the event:

.

You can’t say HBO isn’t trying to support its fascinating new weeknightly shrink drama “In Treatment” with a variety of viewing options. But you can say it’s mind-boggling trying to figure them out.

In addition to each night’s new half-hour 9:30 p.m. episode on the main HBO channel -- Gabriel Byrne’s psychiatrist sees Melissa George on Monday, Blair Underwood [above with Byrne in HBO photo] on Tuesday, Mia Wasikowska on Wednesday, Josh Charles and Embeth Davidtz on Thursday, and Dianne Wiest as his own therapist on Friday -- the series repeats the previous week’s episode/session as a 9 p.m. lead-in. Then HBO repeats the pair at 11 and 11:30 p.m. that night.

Meanwhile, the HBO Signature digital channel runs a day behind for laggards. For instance, Tuesday’s Underwood episodes encore Wednesday at 8 and 8:30 p.m. on HBO Signature.

Then comes the weekend. HBO2 repeats the entire week’s new episodes Saturday 10 p.m.-12:30 a.m. The main HBO channel runs the same mini-marathon Sunday 6:30-9 p.m.

HBO Signature runs an entire week’s episodes, too, on Sunday nights at 9. Except those are three weeks behind. So immediately after the main HBO channel compiles Week Five this Sunday (March 2), you can flip to HBO Signature to watch Week Two.

And don’t forget: The main HBO airings are simulcast on HBO HD and HBO Latino, the latter in Spanish.

P.S.: HBO On Demand viewers can watch any episode from all previous five weeks any time they want.

P.P.S.: Did we mention the two-minute recaps at HBO's web site?

Hope this helps. But I doubt it.

Yes, we're all talking about that made-for-TV moment in last night's debate when Hill suggested that maybe Obama get another comfy pillow, just so he's really comfortable.
It was a segue - and doubtless, pre-cooked - line referring to the "SNL" "debate" open this past Saturday, when cast-members masquerading as debate moderators knelt on bended knee before their hero, Obama. (Funny, though - duh - hardly accurate.) Well, it's worth noting that Tim Russert took a swipe at the implications of the skit, as well as Hill's agreement that she always does get the first question, on this morning's "Today." (By getting the first question in a debate, it's presumably an advantage for the other contestant because he or she then has time to think out a response - hence favoritism by reporters towards Obama.)

Tim said that the "first question charge" was BS: Re that Putin question that came in the last section of the debate, he said "I didn't direct it at either - she LIKES to answer the [first] question."

But what do you expect Tim to say? He's obviously in the Obama camp. Hey! A suggestion: Maybe for the 21st debate, Tim should square off opposite Tina Fey.
(Above: Tim, left, thinks there's no moderator bias; Tina, right, obviously has other ideas, if Saturday's "SNL" is any indication.)

OK, sports fans: After all these months, we can finally, officially, absolutely (positively) declare the writers strike over.

The contract approved a couple weeks ago went out the general membership for a vote, and it came back resoundingly approved. And that, as they say, is that. (I remain, however, perplexed at the relative low number of votes casts - less than half the total WGA membership...but it's still all over.)

Here's the official letter from the bosses of the WGA, received just moments ago:

To Our Fellow Members:

Today, it is our pleasure to inform you that members of the Writers Guilds of America, East and West, have voted to ratify the MBA contract with 93.6% approval. With a total of 4,060 votes cast, the tally was 3,802 to 258. These numbers reaffirm the tremendous level of support and commitment our membership has continuously demonstrated over these last few crucial months.

We are also pleased to report that the trustees of our health fund voted yesterday to follow the recommendation in our strike settlement agreement to provide additional coverage and an extension of the earnings cycle for a full quarter (three months) to participants who would otherwise lose health coverage following an earnings cycle that included all or a portion of the strike period. Participants whose health coverage is paid for by points will only be charged points if they have ten or more points as of April 1, 2008.

As we close this chapter in our union's history, what we together have accomplished should not be underestimated. The 2008 MBA establishes a beachhead on the Internet and in new media that will guarantee our share of a potentially vast and bountiful future. Writers already are working on new media projects under this agreement and residuals must now be paid for streaming and downloads of our library of films and TV shows.

Language in the contract will allow us to monitor and audit these new technologies and new business models, but it will take vigilance on the part of our membership to make sure that original Internet writing is done under a WGA contract and with appropriate terms and conditions.

The same sort of vigilance will be needed to assist members of SAG and AFTRA. They are about to go through a similar process to the one we experienced. Their support of our cause was invaluable. We must use all our efforts and experience to support them as well. Further gains that they can achieve will have an immediate, positive effect on our contract.

We must take our newfound spirit and unity and use it to move our two unions forward. We look to the future and our newly revitalized member engagement to reaffirm writers as the first among equals in the most collaborative art form in history. As the last few weeks proved once and for all, we are all in this together.

Best,

Michael Winship

President

Writers Guild of America, East

Patric M. Verrone

President

Writers Guild of America, West

(Above, Verrone, right, Winship, left. Courtesy: Variety)

"30 Rock" fans have to wait until April 10 -- that's 44 more days, darn it -- until we get to see a fresh episode.

However, fans of Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), the page who's all the rage, can get a chance now to see him strut his stuff -- in a snippet of "Touch My Body," the new video from Harborfields' own Mariah Carey.

Thanks to the amy's robot blog for tipping us off.

You know and I know and pretty much everyone else knows that ratings stories are kinda boring unless they're the Oscars or something to do with P. Diddy. Since this is about the latter, we proceed: Last night's "special" presentation of "A Raisin in the Sun" was seen by 12.7 million, which easily helped ABC win the night AND turn in the network's best Monday this year. Monday - when not propped by "DWTS" - has been a tough night for the Alphabet. And - in fact - the whole idea of "movie of the week" has turned into one of the late, great anachronisms of the network TV biz. Not that "Raisin" is or was an "MOW" - it was a "special" based on a classic with some other very famous names attached (Phylicia Rashad, Audra McDonald.) Nevertheless, one never knows how these things might turn out... After the horrific Oscars performance, ABC got a little ray of sun last night, pun intended. (Above: From the Broadway production.)

Sunday’s snoozer of an Academy Awards telecast took a nosedive in the Nielsens -- losing more than 8 million viewers from last year's show and 24 percent of its adults 18-49 audience.

More about the numbers here.

It does appear that MyNetworkTV will finally have a program that will actually get some sort of rating: The WWE and the Ch.9-based web just announced that "Smackdown" will launch as a weekly two-hour show this fall.

Here's the spin from the press release: “WWE SmackDown” will feature a star-studded cast of WWE Superstars, including Edge®, Rey Mysterio®, Batista®, MVP™, Kane® and Undertaker®, as well as present all the action, excitement, drama and great athleticism that have made it for nine years one of the most popular programs among males on broadcast television, and one of the top ten English language prime time programs among Hispanic households."

Don't you just love it that people like Rey Mysterio have actually trademarked their names? I mean, who's gonna infringe on "Undertaker...?"

But I digress: You'll notice that WWE did not mention the CW in their press release, and my hunch is that they'd like to pretend their longtime TV partner doesn't exist. The CW dropped the WWE recently (like Batista dropped MVP...or whatever.) Too much money apparently (reportedly $700,000 per "Smackdown" telecast.)

You'll also notice that WWE/My didn't mention a night: I'd expect something other than Friday, and probably midweek. But that's a wild guess.

(Above: Rey Mysterio and WWE about to land at MyNetworkTV.)

Is it possible that last night's telecast of the Academy Awards was the lowest viewed in TV history?

Yes, it's possible, but...

We can tell you this much: The telecast of the “80th Annual Academy Awards” was seen by an average audience of 32 million viewers. That is, in fact, the lowest figure since Nielsen began tabulating total viewers all the way back to 1975. For the most part, it ain't even close: Last year's show was seen by 40.2 million, and the year before, 38.9 million (when "Crash" won best picture.) "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" Oscar night (43.5 million; 2/29/04) was the high-water mark of the decade, unless you like to start your decade in 2000, when the "American Beauty" broadcast topped out at 46 million. "Titanic" (on March 23, '98, was the high-water mark of the last couple decades, when 55 million tuned in.)

"Chicago" (3/23/03) was 'til now, the low-water mark, with 33 million viewers.

Now, back to our trivia question: Lowest EVER? It's tricky to answer because Nielsen didn't tabulate "viewers" but only households in the prehistoric days of TV (pre-'75), yet the Oscars telecasts were routinely among the year's most viewed programs - or at least one can easily surmise from the available data. For much of the '50s and '60s, Oscar telecasts often scored ratings in the high 40s, while shares (the percentage of audience that's actually tuned into something) occasionally soared into the '70s. On March 19, 1953, the show even got an 82 share! Of course, viewership was probably no where near 30 million because TVs (after all) had only begun their widespread penetration a few years earlier - in '47-48 - when the first network shows were broadcast.

So, I guess we've answered our own question: NOT the lowest viewed.

But good Lord, what HAPPENED? By any measure, last night's show was a bomb. Some quickie theories:

1.) Too boring and overlong (see reviews, below.)

2.) Jon Stewart is swell, but no Johnny Carson (or, gulp, even Whoopi.)

3.) No one had ever seen the movies, and the movies they did see - "There Will be Blood!!" - were not exactly the sort one cheers for at Oscar time.

4.) Everyone in the potential viewing audience had heard for so many months that the writers strike was gonna derail the big show, they decided (what the hell), don't bother to watch anyway.

5.) Everyone was assuming Billy Bush was going to be the MC of this one as well.

6.) Jack Nicholson was sober (shows seem to get much higher ratings when he attends several pre-awards parties, for some reason.)

(Above: Bang-bang. You're dead. Oscars loves "No Country for Old Men" but viewers do no reciprocate. And how.)

Yes, that WAS Valley Stream's own Fred Armisen in the role of Barack Obama Saturday night, but now the question (s): Was he, is he, should he be...the right choice?

Here's the replay, and if you haven't seen, definitely worth watching...

Meanwhile, my colleague at ChiTrib, Mo Ryan, has sparked an interesting debate on this question, and it's worth checking out as well. Her question: Couldn't "SNL" have found a black comedian to do this? She got a huge response, and most people, who provided their own capsule reviews, said - doesn't matter. Take it away, Mo...

If you're a fan of "The Honeymooners" (and who isn't?), we have some good news and less good news about the Greatest Sitcom of Them All.

WPIX/11 announced today that it will begin airing every "Hooneymooners" episode (108 of 'em, not just the classic 39) based on a viewers' choice poll, starting Sunday, March 16.

That's the good news (although for diehard Mooner Maniacs, the classic 39 are all that matter).

Now the less-good news: The episodes will air from 1-2 a.m. late Sunday/early Monday. So that means unless you're a sleepwalking insominiac like Ed Norton, you're gonna have to fire up the DVR. (Or maybe this hour is homage to "The Late Late Late Show" that Ralph and Ed watched during the classic "TV or Not TV" episode.)

Starting on March 7, you can go to CW11.com to vote for your favorite episodes. Each week, the two episodes with the most votes will air in the Viewer’s Choice Hour. If you can’t remember the title, CW11.com will feature a short clip from all 108 episodes (with title, cast and summary information) on the voting page.

Each week, viewers can log on and vote for the two episodes they want to see on air that weekend. On Sunday nights, back-to-back-episodes of the top two vote-getters will air. Once an episode has aired it will be removed from the polls and all episodes will air only once.

We'll take Ralph, Ed, Alice and Trixie where we can (and we are grateful for Ch.11's "Honeymooners" marathons). But there are still some of us out there who remember when Ch. 11 aired "The Honeymooners" every weeknight at 11:30.

How about you? Which two "Hooneymooners" would you vote for?

As for our favorites, we'll take the aforementioned "TV or Not TV" and "The $99,000 Answer."

Wake me when it’s over. The Academy Awards not only went on and on last night, but went nowhere. They solved the writers’ strike to salvage this?

At least it wasn’t the writers’ fault. The producers and other ultimate decision-makers of this year’s Oscarcast made such brilliant choices as to kick off the night with the award for costume design -- excuse me, everybody knows you start with one of the supporting acting awards -- and went downhill from there. (For the record, it wasn’t till 45 minutes in that Spanish actor Javier Bardem won best supporting actor for “No Country for Old Men.”)

Even when they tried to do interesting things, they did them badly. The intercut clips of vintage winners’ reminiscences -- clearly a leftover from strike plans to fill time with anythingeverything -- were not only half-hearted, but half-brained. Barbra Streisand talks about the wild tie on the night she won for “Funny Girl,” and you don’t say whom she tied with? (Katharine Hepburn in 1968’s “The Lion in Winter.”) A montage of great on-stage Oscar moments builds to the climax of Charlie Chaplin getting his honorary award in 1972, and there’s no context, no mentioning his enormous impact on the industry in its infancy, and no backstory that he’d been run out of the country by the 1950s communist witchhunt and hadn’t set foot here in two decades? For that matter, there was no perspective given to Sidney Poitier remembering his historic 1963 win for “Lilies of the Field,” the first lead trophy for a black performer, in the heat of the civil rights movement.

This was an Oscars for the insiders, not movie fans. You had to know why you were watching what you were watching. And you had to have seen the nominated films, which this year were hardly big-time crowdpleasers. We can’t say host Jon Stewart and his writers didn’t warn us, kicking off the proceedings with a joke about nominating “psychopathic killer movies. Thank god for teen pregnancy” was the punchline of that (referencing best script winner “Juno”), which made clear what kind of night we were fated to suffer.

And then there was Jack Nicholson, the Oscarcast director’s great fallback, seen preening in sunglasses as a Hollywood “character” whose persona was cool, maybe, 25 years ago. Yet he’s still in the front row for no reason, in sunglasses for no reason, a joke target for the reason of laziness. (Do they not know that to a younger generation he just seems a dirty old man?) Please. Stop it. Stop it now.

The best moments were, pretty much the antithesis of I-am-hip Jack, the spontaneous, heartfelt ones. The honorary Oscar to 98-year-old production designer Robert Boyle, whose speech was a valentine to the art of movies, not the industry, also included a clip reel so wide-ranging as to be awe-inspiring -- from such 1940s classics as “Saboteur” through the ’60s suspenser “The Birds” on to John Wayne’s 1976 valedictory western “The Shootist” and up to the 1987 parody “Dragnet.“ Boyle was elegant, and eloquent. [At right: Boyle's work on "North by Northwest."]

Jon Stewart shone, too, when he became not a joke teller but an honest reactor. Clearly moved by the best song Oscar to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (“Once”), he not only admired their excited humility (“Wow, that guy is so arrogant,” he deadpanned in wonder) but brought back Irglova after the commercial break to finish her acceptance speech cut off by the keep-it-moving orchestra.

But then it was almost another hour of filler -- documentary short subject, as time runs down? -- before the “biggies” of best actor, director, picture. Any time this Oscarcast seemed about to gain momentum, another wacky producers’ decision would strangle it. But then the year in movies pretty much did the same thing. Sorry, but Americans tend toward the parochial, and most movie fans are just not going to care about Englishman Daniel Day-Lewis (he beat George Clooney and Johnny Depp!) or France’s Marion Cotillard or Spain’s Bardem or Britain’s Tilda Swinton. Even the animated feature winner had a foreign name (“Ratatouille”).

Maybe next year. Wake me up for it.

That was no broadcast for old men. But then it never is. Ending late, sometimes with the rising sun, Oscars telecasts tend to bring out the worst in critics, who look for any reason to hate the show and find the ceaseless nature of this beast the most convenient one.

But me? No. Not me. This one ended at around a quarter to twelve which is sort of like a reprieve - an unexpected and thoroughly welcome early release for good behavior. Whom to thank? Not just Jon Stewart, who was in fact brisk. Not just the writers' strike which meant (I'm spitballing here, of course) that writers didn't have enough time to over-write this thing. It was helpful that most of the winners didn't speak English. One tends to be gloriously brief in one's acceptance speech when one tends not to understand a word of what one is saying.

But we should be deeply, eternally grateful to Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men" winners over and over and over. I think they got up on stage fifteen times, or something like that. Each instance, Joel said about ten words, Ethan just two ("thank you.") They're kind of like the Penn and Teller of directors - Ethan's Teller, of course. It must be that austere Minnesota temperament, but Ethan - shorter of stature and words - is the perfect, or at least, ideal winner. Imagine if these two were the type of winner who needs to thank every aunt and uncle four generations back? Last night's show wouldn't end until Wednesday. If these guys were also actors, writers and set designers, they woulda won those awards too and we'd have all been in bed by 10.

What of Stewart? For the most part, pretty good. His monologue (you can always tell whether a show will be excruciating, depending on these five minutes) was solid and often funny. Discriminating tastes may have found offense in the Barack Obama/"Gaydolf Titler" line - but such tastes would find offense in anything. I thought he was fine, overall.

Clips? Yeah, a lot and none particularly nourishing (there were too many, given that this was the 80th.) Political jokes? A few (see above) though I can't remember any (from Stewart) with any bite. The writers' strike? Seemed like ancient history - forgotten already, as if nothing had really happened over the last three months. Diablo Cody dedicated her award to the writers; I'm sure they all appreciated the gesture, even though meaningless. Stewart called last night's show "makeup sex," but the broadcast's relative brevity, overall garage-band rougher-around-the-edges feel, and gloom-and-doom nominees/winners list gave the sense that the long enforced period of chastity was even better.

One of TV's classic episodes airs tonight at 8:30 on TV Land.

It's the "I Love Lucy" episode in which Lucy and Ethel go to work making chocolates. The episode first aired on Sept. 15, 1952 and kicked off the show's second season.

The plot is mega-'50s sexist: Ricky and Fred think doing housework is much easier than earning money. Lucy and Ethel feel the opposite. So the guys try doing the housework while the girls attempt to hold down a job working on a candy factory's assembly line

Speed it up, ladies!

Well, every week can’t be last week. After that thrilling Sayid episode, “Lost” calmed itself down last night. No assassinations, forbidden love affairs, shocking betrayals or revelations, really. Even that last-second “reveal” of perhaps another one of the Oceanic Six turned out to be a bit of a dud. Of course, nobody said it had to be a character with tons of dialogue. Or any. (Heh-heh.)

The episode was Kate-centric, which reminds me why the first half of last season was soooo annoying. When love-tangled Kate is supposed to be a catalyst, the show starts shutting down emotionally. (Ironic, no?) That whole Jack-or-Sawyer dilemma was a distraction that drove me batty, and setting it in driving rainstorms in zoo cages didn’t exactly perk things up. Last night’s flash forward to Kate’s post-rescue travails was also numbing stuff. So she’s on trial for killing dear old dad. Is this news? Could it be more blandly delivered? How expressionless can actress Evangeline Lilly get? Ditto Matthew Fox? How anybody can care if these two uptight characters get together or not is beyond me. Put them under fluorescent light, and they’re even more dreary.

And all this futureworld mopery is taking time away from the meaty happenings back on the present-day island. “I’m exactly where I wanna be,” said Miles, the psychic helicopter dude held prisoner by Locke’s tribe, who wanted to speak to former island biggie Ben, another captive. Ken Leung and Michael Emerson may be the two current most interesting actors in this mix, so things could have heated up. But theirs was a fleeting meeting. It was Locke who came between them, though, and Terry O’Quinn is another fascinating soul, proclaiming last night “I’m responsible for the well-being of this island.” Never mind the castaways on it.

There were more hints about the fracturing of the time/space continuum, or alternate realities, or whatever mumbojumbo you wanna call it, with Miles saying to Kate, “Who knows, maybe you didn’t survive the crash.” And the helicopter carrying Sayid and Desmond hasn’t arrived at the supposed rescue boat, even though it left “last night.”

Others can parse the meaning of the $3.2 million dollars Miles tried to blackmail from Ben, and other persnickety clues. My interest will never be that detailed. But the power of the island does intrigue me, along with its ability to shape the societies that exist upon it. Only eight passengers “survived” the crash, we’re told. Does that mean some stayed and some returned to civilization? Did Kate “survive” or not? What the heck IS Ben’s deal? Whassup with Miles and the rest of his study group? And how come future Jack wants to go back?

It can’t be only to screen Hurley’s VHS copy of “Xanadu.”

[Above: Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson in ABC photo from March 6 episode of "Lost."]

Seems Showtime is luring more and more unique talents who made their names at HBO. This may be the biggest.

Edie Falco has signed with Showtime to star in a new “single-camera dark comedy” about an “iconoclastic New York City nurse juggling the frenzied grind of an urban hospital and an equally challenging personal life.”

The personal-life drama she has down, of course, from six seasons of HBO’s “The Sopranos.” But the nurse gig adds a workplace dimension. “My time on ‘The Sopranos’ was so rich and so full, the challenge has been finding something else that would excite me,” Falco said in Showtime’s announcement today. “This character and the writing are truly thrilling.”

Preproduction starts immediately, Showtime says, for shooting to take place in New York. Creators are Liz Brixius and Linda Wallem. And wouldn’t you know it, in addition to writing credits on “That ’70s Show” and “Cybill,” Wallem’s resume also includes producing on Lisa Kudrow’s uncomfortable but underrated HBO comedy “The Comeback.”

Showtime already has a host of HBO refugees. Michael C. Hall of “Six Feet Under” stars now on Showtime’s hit “Dexter.” Sketch comic Tracey Ullman has brought over her chameleon self for a new series premiering March 30 (right after the second season return of “The Tudors”). And the British series sensation “Secret Diary of a Call Girl,” starring “Doctor Who” blonde Billie Piper, was imported for a June 16 Showtime premiere by former HBO programmer turned production packager Chris Albrecht.

Falco's new series should fit right in with the likes of "Weeds" and "Californication" as Showtime continues exploring the far reaches of TV comedy. And let's not forget Showtime was there in the past, too, creating such '80s comedy groundbreakers as "Brothers" and "It's Garry Shandling's Show."

[Above: NBC photo of Edie Falco with Alec Baldwin on "30 Rock" last fall.]

“Heath Ledger: A Tragic End” looks back at the Australia native’s life, busy movie (and TV) career, and Jan. 22 death in Manhattan. E! News’ Jason Kennedy hosts the special Friday (Feb. 22) at 8 p.m. on E!

While the title seems to focus on the 28-year-old actor’s drug-related demise one month ago, E! promises the half-hour also explores his “great risks as an actor, in a kaleidoscope of diverse roles from a conflicted cowboy in ‘Brokeback Mountain’ to the maniacal Joker in the soon to be released ‘Batman the Dark Knight.’”

Some of those roles hit the air this weekend. Ledger plays Mel Gibson’s son in “The Patriot” (Saturday at 2:15 p.m. on 5StarMax, Sunday at 8:15 a.m. on ActionMax), Australian outlaw “Ned Kelly” (Saturday at 10 p.m. on Sundance), and Billy Bob Thornton's prison guard son in “Monster’s Ball” (Sunday at 9:30 a.m. on BIO).

Now we await ABC getting into the game. This week, both NBC and CBS announced massive new web streams of full episodes of vintage TV shows.

NBC.com has launched a Way Back Wednesdays page featuring episodes of such NBC Universal library series as “Miami Vice,” “Emergency,” “Buck Rogers” and “The A-Team.” (Who doesn’t need to see Mr. T in “Mexican Slayride”?)

Sci Fi.com, ChillerTV.com and SleuthChannel.com are other NBC-owned channel sites planned to start vintage streaming this month. Expect shows like “Tek War” and “Night Gallery” (SciFi.com), “The Alfred Hitchcock Hour” and “Swamp Thing” (ChillerTV.com), and “Kojak” and “Simon & Simon” (SleuthChannel.com).

CBS.com’s new Television Classics list taps the CBS Library (vintage Paramount and CBS shows) for episodes of “The Twilight Zone,” “Hawaii Five-O,” “Star Trek” and “Melrose Place.” Even “MacGyver,” for you “MythBusters” fans.

The CBS shows are also available through “more than 300 Web sites currently making up the CBS Audience Network,” says the press release, including “partners such as AOL, Microsoft, CNET Networks, Comcast, Joost, Bebo, Netvibes, Sling Media and Veoh and social application partners including Automattic, Brightcove, Clearspring, DAVE Networks, Goowy Media, meebo, MeeVee, Musestorm, Ning, RockYou!, Slide, VideoEgg, Voxant and vSocial, as well as Web sites from CBS's owned television, radio, and affiliated stations.” (Think they missed anybody?)

But nothing comes free, does it? While these vintage streams don’t cost anything to watch, they do come ad-supported. Sorry, no escaping commercials.

The funniest insult comic to come out of Jackson Heights may be 81, but Don Rickles is still going strong.

And you should never miss an opportunity to see him.

The Merchant of Venom drops by to zap Craig Ferguson on tonight’s “Late Late Show” (CBS/2 at 12:35 a.m.)

The DVD of his great John Landis-directed doc, "Mr. Warmth," hit shelves Tuesday.

And looking forward, Rickles plays North Fork Theatre at Westbury on May 31. (That’s a make-up date from an earlier scheduled show that he canceled due to an injury.)

In the meantime, check out Rickles mixing it up with Johnny Carson in one of the funniest moments in “Tonight Show” history.

Did we forget to list the Fox returnees? (And newbies.) Let us rectify.

Back to You – Original episodes air next Tuesday-Wednesday, Feb. 26-27 at 9:30. But the Kelsey Grammer-Patricia Heaton TV news sitcom then goes away again until Wednesday, April 16’s “time period premiere” at 8:30.

Unhitched – Sunday, March 2 at 9:30 p.m. for new Farrelly Brothers sitcom.

New Amsterdam – Tuesday, March 4 and Thursday, March 6 “preview” episodes of immortal NYC homicide detective; time period premiere is Monday, March 10 at 9.

Canterbury’s Law – Monday, March 10 at 8 p.m., a strangely early hour for Julianna Margulies’ dark NYC-filmed legal hour.

The Return of Jezebel James – Friday, March 14 at 8 p.m. for hour premiere of sisters comedy from “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino; time period premiere Friday, March 21 at 8:30.

’Til Death – Tuesday, March 25 at 9:30 for original episode; time period premiere Wednesday, April 16 at 8 p.m.

Hell’s Kitchen – Tuesday, April 1 at 9 p.m. season premiere of Gordon Ramsay chef show

Bones – Monday, April 14 at 8 p.m.

House – Monday, April 21 at 9 p.m. time period premiere with encore; originals resume Monday, April 28.

Note that Fox’ New Orleans drama “K-Ville” isn’t mentioned here as going back into production.

And “24” stays on hold. The show will “conclude production on its seventh season,” the network says, but that adventure “will not premiere until January 2009, allowing the drama to once again run 24 episodes consecutively.”

“Lost” will have lots of company by April as new episodes return to ABC’s lineup for such faves as “Desperate Housewives” and “Ugly Betty.” In the midst of the post-strike shuffle, “Lost” will move back to 10 p.m. Thursday behind a returning “Grey’s Anatomy” – just in time for May’s Nielsen sweep (April 24 - May 21).

The network has announced the following fresh-episode dates:

“Samantha Who?” - Monday, April 7 at 9:30 p.m. (six new episodes)

“Boston Legal” - Tuesday, April 8 at 10 p.m. (six episodes)

“Desperate Housewives” - Sunday, April 13 at 9 p.m. (five episodes, plus two-hour finale)

“Brothers & Sisters” - Sunday, April 20 at 10 p.m. (four episodes)

“Ugly Betty” - Thursday, April 24 at 8 p.m. (five episodes)

“Grey’s Anatomy” - Thursday, April 24 at 9 p.m. (five episodes)

“Lost” - Thursday, April 24 move to 10 p.m. (five episodes)

Catch up to previous episodes at ABC's streaming media player.

Here’s a real gen-u-ine treat for tv-obsessed boomers.

On May 6, Shout Factory is releasing “HiYa Kids!! A ‘50s Saturday Morning,” a 4-DVD set (retailing for $34.99) featuring 21 shows that we still remember well (even if we have no idea where we placed our reading glasses 15 minutes ago).

Just to name five: “Kukla, Fran & Ollie,” "Howdy Doody,” "Ding Dong School,” "Winky Dink & You” and “The Pinky Lee Show.” For a complete list shows, click here.

The set takes its name, of course, from Froggy the Gremlin’s greeting to Andy Devine each week on “Andy’s Gang" (which is another of the 21 shows in the collection).

While you’re waiting for the DVD to come out, check out this clip from this truly surrealistic kids’ show.

AMC’s hot new comedy-drama breaks the rules this week over on sister cabler IFC. “Breaking Bad Uncut & Uncensored” airs Friday (Feb. 22) at 9-11 p.m., presenting the acclaimed series’ first two episodes in a “director’s cut” and without commercial interruption.

The latter is possibly the best news, because “Breaking Bad” weaves a web of both character suspense and black comedy that benefits mightily from uninterrupted immersion. The “uncensored” boast may not make as much difference, but be aware the channel is labeling this airing with a TV rating of MA for sex, language and violence.

IFC also passes along this handy translation for the behavior of Bryan Cranston as the New Mexico chemistry teacher and cancer victim who decides to devote his remaining time to cooking some fine crystal meth, with tragic yet horrifyingly hilarious consequences:

“BREAK BAD: To behave in a violent, wanton, or outrageous manner for no discernible reason.”
- The Complete How to Speak Southern

In the meantime, “BB” homeland AMC is sneaking a peek of this Sunday’s (Feb. 24) 10 p.m. fifth episode at the series’ home page. The first two episodes are streaming there, too.

Former “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon has just been booked at the North Fork Theatre at Westbury.

He’s set for an April 27th date at 3 p.m. Tix are $45 and $55.

Now, we dig Ed as much as the next guy and he helped us get through many late nights with Johnny Carson.

But we’re wondering what exactly will Ed do at Westbury, besides reprising, we’re sure, his trademark “heeere's Johnny.” Will he show never-before-seen footage from “TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes?” Analyze his old Budweiser commercials (those Clydesdales rock!)?

Speaking of the King O'Beers, check out Ed pushing the brew back in 1978:

Adios, Fidel.

With the news that the Cuban dictator is bowing out, many folks’ thoughts surely turned to such memorable moments as the Cuban Missile Crisis.

I thought about “Seinfeld.”

Specifically the episode in which George Steinbrenner sends his flunky George Costanza to Cuba to look for baseball talent. As luck, would have it -- the episode airs tonight at 7:30 on WNYW/Ch.5

In Havana George ends up being invited to a party thrown by Castro (a nod here to Woody Allen attending the San Marcos’ dictator’s bash in “Bananas").

Fidel (played by Michael Sorich) is in a chatty mood and tells George why he doesn’t like parties:

“The problem with parties is that you have to eat standing up. Once at a party, I put my plate on someone’s piano. I assure you if I had not been the dictator, I could not have gotten away with that one.”

Fidel continues to rant and it’s even too much for George, who backs out of El Jefe’s office.

... What can I say, this is how my mind works.

What’s the big whoop with Fox’s “The Moment of Truth?” I don’t get it. It’s mean-spirited and not even original.

Check out this much more amusing (and much less sadistic) moment of truth from a 1966 episode of the classic quiz show “I’ve Got a Secret.”

On the show, panelists Betsy Palmer, Bess Myerson, Henry Morgan and Bill Cullen get hooked up to an “emotion-reading machine” to gauge how they really feel when the special guest, insult comic Jack E. Leonard, zings them.

And by the way, “Fat Jack” (as he was known quite benignly in those pre-PC days) is one comic who is long overdue to be rediscovered. His barbed remarks paved the way for the much more acerbic Don Rickles, as well as the legions of putdown artists who followed.

Who’s dancing who?

Here’s who, from ABC's “Dancing With the Stars” pairings announcement on this morning’s “Good Morning America”:

ADAM CAROLLA & JULIANNE HOUGH – The big mouth and the cutie pie.

SHANNON ELIZABETH & DEREK HOUGH – Julianne’s brother gets another Jennie Garth-type.

CRISTIÁN DE LA FUENTE & CHERYL BURKE – The telenovela star is a waaaay better deal for multi-champ Cheryl than last year’s Wayne Newton.

STEVE GUTTENBERG & ANNA TREBUNSKAYA – Anna is married to professional dancer Jonathan Roberts, who gets . . .

MONICA SELES & JONATHAN ROBERTS – Let’s hope Monica doesn’t faint. (Jonathan had to catch Marie Osmond last season.)

PENN JILLETTE & KYM JOHNSON – Well, if Kym could cope with Jerry Springer . . .

MARIO & KARINA SMIRNOFF – Another Mario for Karina, who previously taught Mario Lopez.

MARLEE MATLIN & FABIAN SANCHEZ – The professional newcomer is, according to ABC, “the 2006 World Mambo Champion, a four-time Fred Astaire National Champion and the United States Rising Star, and the 1999 American Rhythm Champion.” But can he sign?

PRISCILLA PRESLEY & LOUIS VAN AMSTEL – Priscilla seems a less likely musical mover than Monique Coleman, Louis’ previous partner.

MARISSA JARET WINOKUR & TONY DOVOLANI – At least this Broadway babe has a head start in movement over Jane Seymour.

JASON TAYLOR & EDYTA SLIWINSKA – Two hot numbers, together at last!

KRISTI YAMAGUCHI & MARK BALLAS – Mark got robbed with Sabrina Bryan last time.

Their stepping starts on ABC March 17.

“American Idol” arrives on iTunes today with a free video download of white fright Renaldo Lapuz bowing to Ryan Seacrest, the better to whet your appetite for more.

(That’s “your” appetite. Not mine.)

But the main iTunes attraction, which you gotta pay for, is the availability of all musical performances by the top 24 contenders in Hollywood (presented in alphabetical order by first name, since we’re all BFFs). For 99 cents a pop -- that’s per person, per song -- these audio stylings become available the morning after each telecast, the better to grab your money before your brain kicks in to rethink the cost. (You can even “pre-order” downloads to avoid thought altogether.)

But don’t look for competition clues by whose downloads sell most. Sorry, “iTunes and Fox are committed to presenting contestants in a fair and balanced manner online and on-air,” reads the small print. “For this reason, sales of performances from ‘American Idol’ contestants from the current season will not be reflected in the iTunes charts.”

They’ll be happy to post and profit, however, from sales of previous seasons’ tunes, in case you just haven’t had enough of Clay Aiken’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

More details here.

Ray Davies, longtime frontman for the one and only Kinks, will perform on tonight’s “Late Show with David Letterman" (11:35 p.m. on CBS).

The 63-year-old Davies is sure to perform a song from his new CD, “Working Man’s Cafe,” which drops today and has been getting some very good buzz.

Watch Davies perform the title song here.

"

Oh, dear. If only Kenny Mayne in sparkly eye shadow were half as amusing as the sad little sportscaster thinks he is. If only "Dance War" were one-tenth as enjoyable as those screaming-Meemies in the audience pretend it is. If only network television weren't circling the drain in the commode at this very moment.

But I digress.

Just minutes ago, ABC announced the cast of this spring's "Dancing With the Stars" during Monday night's two-hour finale of "Dance War." (Please, please, make it go away now. Forever. "Solid Gold" reruns would be better.)

The newbies hitting the "DWTS" floor as of March 17:

Deaf actress Marlee Matlin ("The West Wing," photo at right) – How much do we love this choice? Martin Sheen next!

Elvis ex Priscilla Presley (late of "Dallas") – Take THAT, Heather Mills! (Or should we be saying that about Marlee? Never mind.)

Penn Jillette, crabby magician/debunker – I know who I'm cheering for right now. Tom Bergeron, watch your back.

Adam Carolla, ex-"The Man Show"/radio big-mouth – I am so, so sorry, Julianne Hough.

Kristi Yamaguchi, Olympic skating star – And what happens if hubby Bret Hedican's Carolina Hurricanes make the NHL playoffs just as "DWTS" hits its climax? What then?!

NFL hottie Jason Taylor – The Miami Dolphins defensive end has great abs. (Evidence in photo at right.) I think "DWTS" drooler Lisa Rinna mentioned this six or 12 times in announcing his casting. Imagine the costume possibilities. (Take THAT, Kenny Mayne!)

Tennis (ex-)star Monica Seles – Well, she did play herself on that episode of "The Nanny."

Marissa Jaret Winokur, Broadway's "Hairspray" – She survived costarring opposite Pamela Anderson on "Stacked." Anything is possible.

Steve Guttenberg, "Three Men and a Baby" – Once he's back on the radar, beware "Police Academy 17." Or "Meet the Santas 7."

R&B singer Mario – Let America love him.

Shannon Elizabeth – Bye, bye, Miss American Pie.

Christian De La Fuente – Chilean-born telenovela heartthrob. Who?

Here's a really nice news story about what Andy Griffith is up to these days.

Turns out that Sheriff Andy/Ben Matlock is 81, lives on a waterfront estate off Roanoke Island, NC, collects antique cars and has plenty to say.

Read it here.

Last week's second-season premiere of "Jericho" can be downloaded free from iTunes, for watching on-computer or on the go.

That should bring everybody up to speed before tomorrow night's second installment (Tuesday, Feb. 19 at 10 p.m. on CBS), which introduces the new president of the -- gasp -- Allied States of America.

[Hail to the Chief, above: Mayor Anderson (Michael Gaston) and Eric Green (Kenneth Mitchell) with President Tomarchio (George Newbern) in "Condor" episode of "Jericho." CBS photo by Cliff Lipson.]

John Wayne may not usually be thought of as a TV star. But he he did make a bunch of guest appearances on sitcoms over the years, most notably the two-episode “I Love Lucy” in 1955 in which Lucy discovers that the cement slab with Wayne's footprints in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater has come loose.

But who out there remembers when Wayne cameod on “The Beverly Hillbillies”? (The Duke should not be confused with Duke, the Clampetts’ hound). You’ll get your chance to see Tuesday night at 9 when TV Land airs the 1967 episode, “The Indians Are Coming.”

This mega-politically incorrect plot has something to do with Indians (or “Injuns” as Granny says) taking over the Clampetts' land back in Bug Tussle. Turns out it’s just a lil’ ol’ boundary dispute. Nevertheless, Chief Running Wolf and Little Fox travel to Beverly Hills to settle the problem, but Granny is alarmed and she prepares to take on the Injuns by herself. Wayne visits Granny at the end after the Indians “attack.”

According to several sources, Wayne asked for only a bottle of bourbon as payment for the episode.

By the way, an excellent recap of Wayne’s TV career can be found on the TV Party website.

And if you want a great Clampett fix, check out this commercial in which they shill for Kellogg's Corn Flakes!