And next year's host will be....
Oh this can't be good, can it?
The Emmys Sunday night on Fox scored the second lowest total viewership in history (13 mill) - the 1990 show actually had like five fewer people watching.
In other words, Simon was right. Blame Ryan Seacrest. But really, why is the host always to blame for these fiascoes? If you noticed - and I did - he was on-screen for only about three minutes, tops. The opening duet with Stewie Griffin and Brian ate up more screen time. So why not blame them? The fact is, hosts are always to blame. That’s just the law, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I personally don't think Seacrest bombed; Ray Romano bombed; Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert bombed; Brad Garrett bombed. Ryan merely strafed. Nevertheless, he must take full responsibility, and on that pretext, we now offer a list of proposed hosts for next year's broadcast on ABC. Each of these suggestions will reverse the stigma that the Emmys are now saddled with (dull, tastesless, stupid). Each will bring new viewers to the show and hold them to the bitter end.
Each will generate hundreds of newspaper stories, with these types of headlines: "Will Viewers Embrace Emmy Host?" "Advertisers Mull Exotic Emmy Hosting Choice;" "Internal Battle at ABC Over Hosting Choice, Sources Say;" "Emmy Host Promises to Undergo Rehab Before Broadcast;" "Emmy Host Says Police Record and Mug Shot Posted on Smoking Gun Were Falsified;" "Emmy Host Apologizes to Family of Injured Photographer; Promises Restitution;" "ABC Stands By Host Choice;" “LAPD Promises To Post Extra Guards at Shrine on Sunday.”
And so on. The net result of this sort of publicity?
Viewership! Now you've got it, friend. Also, the beauty of these choices is that none require any explanation. All you have to do is say the name, and the lightbulb goes off. "Of COURSE."
Here's my list, in no particular order.
1.) Lindsay Lohan. Clean and sober by then, but does it really matter?
2.) Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Put Pamela in the front row!
3.) Borat. In character, of course.
4.) Rosie O. and Trumpster. It's pure GENIUS!
5.) Britney. Put Kevin in front row!
6.) Carmen Electra. Put Dennis Rodman in front row!
7.) Paris Hilton. Go ahead- tell me you didn't think of this first?
8.) Sally Field: So many bleeps we wouldn't even see her monologue.
9.) Keira Knightley: Guess her weight? Win a trip to the 2009 Emmys!
10.) O.J.: Four words - Innocent Until Proven Guilty.
This time, the glove fits.