The TV Zone

If only the producers of “Dancing With the Stars” would let host Tom Bergeron’s wicked wit loose on this one -- but you know they won’t.

Soon-to-be Paul McCartney-ex Heather Mills was one of the celeb contestants announced this morning for the new “Dancing” edition debuting on ABC March 19. The network’s press release describes Mills as “a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador and activist for Adopt-a-Minefield” and “the first contestant to compete with an artificial limb.” (Mills’ left leg was amputated below the knee after a 1993 traffic accident.)

Well, sure. That’s why we know her. Not from the ex-model’s much-publicized courtship and 2002 marriage to ex-Beatle tabloid magnet Paul McCartney. Not from the reams of column space devoted to their many public appearances, daughter’s 2003 birth, or messy May 2006 separation. Not from the gossip mills that have since run overtime about McCartney and Mills hurling insults and accusations, consulting lawyers used by Prince Charles and Princess Di, trading court filings, arguing financial settlements, and shepherding personal belongings out of formerly shared households under cover of darkness. ABC’s press release doesn’t mention McCartney’s name at all. (Wonder what their news department would have to say about that.)

“Dancing” ringmaster Bergeron may be known as an amiably mild-mannered tube personality, but like fellow onetime “America’s Favorite Home Videos” host Bob Saget, he’s actually possessed of a smart and stinging sense of humor that mainstream America just hasn’t seen. Saget recently let fly with a profane rant in the comic documentary “The Aristocrats,” after years of raunchy nightclub stand-up. And Bergeron is still fondly held by the few who caught his sharp sense of humor on the old FX morning show “Breakfast Time” (RIP, 1994-96), a wake-up delight far more concerned with relaxed wit than the political ax-grinding and showbiz shilling now filling the a.m. tube.

In any event, we can rely on ABC to keep Bergeron muzzled on this issue, which is too bad. Plenty of “Dancing With the Stars” fans will have no clue who they’re watching when Mills starts twirling.

[ABC photo of Bergeron with fall competitors Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke.]

The other new “Stars” are somewhat better known, led by Vincent Pastore, who sleeps with the fishes on “The Sopranos.” (And makes gossip columns himself with the occasional real-life mug shot.) Former teen hotties are also on board to lure that essential young female demographic: “Beverly Hills 90210” blond Ian Ziering and N’SYNC boy bander Joey Fatone. Achy-breaky country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, once a mullet-haired heartthrob, is now known more as the dad on his daughter Miley’s Disney tween-com “Hannah Montana,” but that’ll draw plenty of girls and women, too. You could also comfortably place sleek Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno in the hunk category.

Otherwise among the 11 celebs competing this time are two more athletes -- fresh off former Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith taking it all last fall -- including NBA great Clyde Drexler and female boxer Laila Ali. (Will dad attend tapings to cheer her on? He’d sure be more interesting than Lisa Rinna.) The final three contenders are known mostly for posing pretty for the cameras: GSN “Limbo” game show babe Shandi Finnessey (a former Miss USA, a la last season’s Shanna Moakler); showbiz report host and home-shopping hawker Leeza Gibbons; and supermodel Paulina Porizkova (who's married to '80s rocker Ric Ocasek of The Cars).

In fact, Gibbons starts selling the show this very night as a guest on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (Wednesday night, Feb. 21, at 12:05-1:05 a.m.).

“Dancing With the Stars” starts its fourth season Monday, March 19 with a two-hour premiere (8-10 p.m.). The first results show airs Tuesday, March 27 (9-10 p.m.). ABC is loading up on the series all spring, with weekly airings already scheduled thereafter for Monday 8-9:30 p.m. and Tuesday 9-10 p.m. (FYI, the fall round of “Dancing” still holds two of the top five spots in the current season’s Nielsen rankings.)

Here’s a reminder of previous winners:
Season 1 (summer 2005) – Kelly Monaco, “General Hospital” actress.
Season 2 (spring 2006) – Drew Lachey, 98 Degrees singer.
Season 3 (fall 2006) – Emmitt Smith, former Dallas Cowboys running back.