Talk of the Tents

By Mark La Monica

Thought a Heatherette runway show was the craziest thing you could take part in during Fashion Week?

Clearly, you've never been to a Heatherette runway show afterparty. Whoa, nelly, let me tell you about some lunacy. This thing makes Naomi Campbell look a like peace-loving tree-hugger.

Somehow through the stroke of good fortune, a little bit of luck and a lotta bit of "I don't know how I'm pulling this off but I am" mojo, I secured entrance for myself and a guest to Tuesday night's afterparty at Roseland Ballroom on West 52nd Street.

Not williing to enter the madness without proper backup, I dialed Consultant friend Ian as a wingman. He obliged, choosing to put MBA homework aside for the late night, a move he likely will regret on Wednesday night. Hey, not my problem.

You know those crazy nights you've had and the recollecting the next day? That time you spend trying to figure out where the night took a left turn? That left turn on this night occured as soon as we walked into the party. And they kept coming like it was a NASCAR race. One giant, three-hour left turn.

All the drag queens from the show were there, along with all their friends. Some rollerskaters joined the fray. Bad-ass model Omayrah cut it up on the main dance floor once or twice. A cotton candy machine. Regular candy bins on all the tables. Even the guy with the apron instead of pants was there.

Show stoppin'

What are those five girls in minimal clothing doing on the stage? Oh snap, that's Danity Kane. An added bonus for the evening. This night is picking up.

Danity Kane did a three-song set, ending with their big single "Showstopper." It was a nice little performance for the girls from Diddy's "Making The Band 3" on MTV.

During their second song, "Ride for You," I turned to Ian and asked him to walk to New Jersey and get me a set of lefthanded golf clubs. (If you didn't catch that reference, then go rent and study Season 2 of Chappelle's Show.)

No Diddy sightings, though, which was disappointing. Perhaps another vodka-cran will ease the feeling of loss.

DJ Nick Cannon

It's official. DJ Nick Cannon in the house. Wild out now!

Indeed, actor/comedian Nick Cannon got behind the tables and cut it up for the rest of the night. He was pretty good, too. Played a wide range of stuff, including "Sweet Home Alabama." Not kidding. It cleared the dance floor, but it was admirable.

As was his playing of the first verse of "Ice Ice Baby" by the legend, Vanilla Ice. But his best work came when he mixed the beat from "Erotic City" by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic with the lyrics from "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake.

If you access to iTunes and audio editing software, I suggest you download these two and listen. It's quite impressive. Point for Nick Cannon and the red team!

'Is this heroin?'

On the tables throughout Roseland were bins full of candy. Pixy Stix, Laffy Taffy, gum, fruit-shelled chocolates and assorted other sugary sweets.

The Pixy Stix intrigued me the most. Hadn't even seen those in about 14 years let alone ate one. I quickly grabbed two.

Just about to rip it open and pound it down like I was 9 years old on Halloween again, I had a moment of clarity. I'm in a club at a model party thrown by famous and rich club kids and there's this straw full of sugar wrapped in a thin piece of paper. Hmmm, I wonder if this is a smart idea.

"Ian, is this heroin?" I asked. "What do you think the odds are? Should we shoot it and find out?"

He laughed. But for a minute we considered it may not be a real Pixy Stix. Then we realized this is Roseland Ballroom, not Limelight. There's no way this is anything but a blast of sugar. Plus, Traver Rains and Richie Rich (Heatherette's designers) are not stupid people. Insane with clothing and style, sure, but not stupid with party favors.

We pounded the Pixy Stix and went on about our way.

Here's a tip for you: Do not mix Pixy Stix with alcohol. Not a good idea. Print this out and put it in your wallet if you need to.

Although WebMD didn't specifically say no, there's enough between-the-lines stuff to realize this wasn't a smart idea. Of course, there were no Internet kiosks set up in Roseland to check this out beforehand.

Dancing with Danity Kane

"Dang, that's Danity Kane on the dance floor with us regular folks," I said aloud. "They ain't in VIP? That's cool. Then again, they only have one real big hit so far."

I slyly worked my way in their direction on the dance floor. The music was bumping and I sort of found myself right next to one of the DK ladies. Some things are just plain funny. Me dancing, that's funny. Me dancing next to a member of Danity Kane, that's funnier. Her not laughing at me, that's polite.

As we boogied individually on the dance floor but together in my mind, the stage was enveloped by large men in neon green "things." That's really the only to describe these, um, outfits. It was one piece of fabric that covered their nipples, the space between the left and right butt cheeks and most of their, well, you know. The rest was all man flesh on display for the people.

Such is life at Heatherette. Oh well. Here's my in with Danity Kane's Shannon Bex. I approached her as she turned away from looking at the stage.

"What do I have to do to get you girls back up on the stage instead of that?" I asked.

She laughed. "I know, right," she said.

"Seriously, what can I do? I'll go up there with you if I have to."

She laughed again. And then my show stopped.

By Mark La Monica

There is no more anticipated show at Fashion Week than Heatherette. It's a freak show, where everyone is welcomed and made to feel at home. Drag queens, porn stars, marketing executives, bloggers. One big, happy family.

Backstage before the show is just as insane. A makeup artist and his friend, rookies to the Heatherette scene, were equal parts excited and scared of what was to come.

To get you warmed up, enjoy another of our 60-second showcases behind the scenese backstage at Heatherette.

By Mark La Monica

Interviewing Traver Rains, one half of the crazy genius behind Heatherette, is always interesting. Then again, anything involving Heatherette is two steps shy of pure insanity and among the most enjoyable experiences of Fashion Week.

As Journalista friend Lauren asked him questions about the Fall 2007 Heatherette line and its inspiration for a video segment, I stood guard and waited for something special.

The Montana-bred Rains did not disappoint.

When asked to speak more in-depth about the line, he said:

"It's sexy S & M meets The Wizard of Oz."

And there we have the quote of a lifetime. You can have all your Terrell Owens and Jeremy Shockey soundbytes. You can even listen to Allen Iverson's "We talkin' ' bout practice" speech and Jim Mora's "Playoffs?" all day long if you wish.

Me, I'll take "It's sexy S & M meets The Wizard of Oz" any day. I nearly lost my mind when he said it the first time. I absolutely lost my mind the next 33 times I repeated his quote in my head during the following 14 seconds.

After the interview, I extended my right arm for a handshake. Rains complied. Then I explained to him, "Never in my life did I think I'd hear the words 'It's sexy S & M meets The Wizard of Oz' strung together in that order, and for this I must thank you."

He laughed.

"That's Heatherette," he said.

Indeed, sir. That is 100 percent Heatherette.

By Mark La Monica

A quick look at eight children rehearsing their little ballet for the Heatherette show. These kids were adorable backstage and earned a great ovation from the crowd during the show.

By Mark La Monica

And I thought I'd seen it all at Fashion Week after two and a half of them under my belt. Not so fast, my friend.

Speaking of belts, they're typically used to hold up one's pants. Not so fast, my friend.

That only works if you're actually wearing pants!

Mulling about the aisles prior to the start of the Heatherette show was a fella with all of zero clothing covering his patoot.

Now, I've seen Prince wear ass-less pants. Howard Stern, too. But at least there was a bit of fabric covering up the continental divide.

Not this time. Not even a man-thong! Just an apron wrapped around his waist and covering the front side. To his defense, though, he did wear a tuxedo shirt, vest and bow tie along with a nice top hat.

A woman from Delaware sitting in front of me tried to take a picture of his Delaware Water Gap until I stepped in and convinced her there were better things to do with those kilobytes on her digital camera.

Heatherette is now officially, once again, Bizarro World.

By Mark La Monica

Celebrities, in this case, are no different than regular folks: They all want in to see Heatherette, an event that is as much performance art as it runway fashion show.

Among the 1,700 or so people who crammed into The Tent for the Tuesday night closing ceremony:

- Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child.

- Nick Cannon of "Drumline" and MTV's "Wild 'n Out."

- Jets safety and should-have-been Pro Bowler Kerry Rhodes.

- Russell Simmons, you know, Rush.

- Irv Gotti, a music producer who likely didn't hear me yelling out "It's murda!", his label Murda Inc.'s signature line made by popular by Ja Rule.

- Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," dressed in a classy blue sportcoat, white button-down shirt and jeans, pretty much the complete antithesis of everything Heathette stands for with its designs.

- Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge from MTV's "The Hills." One of these days, I will summon the courage to actually speak to LC and discuss her perfect smile.

- Cuba Gooding Jr. rockin out to the beats provided by the DJ during the show.

- Swizz Beats of DMX/Rough Riders fame and the DJ providing those beats. New rule: Swizz Beats should be the official in-house DJ and music arranger for all fashion shows. Hot beats!

- Joan Jett, the rocker was was just as smokin' hot at Heatherette as she was earlier at Betsey Johnson.

- Alert! Alert! Alert! Mario Van Peebles is still alive. He sat in the front row for the show wearing a fedora, black sport coat and a Baadasssss! T-shirt from his 2003 movie of the same name. Not content to let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip by without a story for the boys back home, I "accidentally" crossed paths with Van Peebles on the runway after the show. "Hey, it's Rappin' John Hood. What's up, guy?" I said. Either he didn't hear me or chose not to hear me. Likely the latter. But if you know the reference without clicking on that link, you know how much of a bomb I just dropped.

- Vivica A. Fox is quite stunning in person, still. I'm just saying.

By Mark La Monica

Pure, unadulterated lunacy.

That's the only real way to sum up a Heatherette fashion show.

You can expect to see things you've never seen before. You can expect to see clothes that you'd wear if you were in a club, a techno video or on Mars. You can even expect to catch a few drag queens and porn stars in the audience.

It all adds up to the best 20 minutes of Fashion Week. Every time, it's the best time.

This year was no different. Often described as more performance art than runway show, the Heatherette experience is more of a video come to life than anything else.

The show began with the lights out and dancers coming down the runway wearing glow-in-the-dark clothes and makeup. The blacklights you thought were cool in college are much cooler at a Heatherette show.

Then came the models, as Swizz Beats opened the music with old-school club classic "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock. The heads nodded. The models walked. The party began.

Quick note: Traver Rains and Richie Rich, the designers and creators of Heatherette were club kids who tapped into a crazy market of club clothing design. They love the drag queens and the drag queens love them.

Omayrah, bad-ass model and the only woman here at Bryant Park who understands how to work a runway, came out to a huge ovation. She worked the crowd, demanding even more love from the adoring fans then high-fived some ladies in the front row on her way back. She's crazy, cool and worth the price of admission.

Once the 40 or so models walked, a small handful of which wore pants with exposed butt cheeks, eight children came out and lined the runway for some ballet moves as Amanda Lepore walked down the runway in a corset with little pink roses.

After that, all the models walked out wearing white T-shirts with quotes from "The Wizard of Oz." After all, that was the theme of the Fall 2007 line.

Kimora Lee Simmons closed out the show with a show-stopper outfit.

As for what all these clothes actually looked like, does it really matter? It's Heatherette. It's insane. It's awesome to watch. It's stuff you didn't know you could think would ever exist. It's clothing you couldn't wear anywhere but a club, a video, another Heatherette show or on a "Deep House Dish" sketch on "Saturday Night Live."

Oooh-weee, Heatherette.