CHICAGO -- Thursday evening. Midway Airport. At the gate. The cell phone buzzes.
"This is Orbitz, I know it," I thought.
Sure enough. Orbitz For Business was kind enough to call me and let me know that I won't be getting near the plane for at least another hour.
Joy.
What to do? Time to take a walk and buy a magazine, perhaps even read it.
I walked into Hudson News. After three days of business meetings, deep dish pizza and little sleep, the neurons were firing to the brain slower than my waitress at Due brought us a second round of drinks.
I decided to live on the edge and purchase . . . wait for it . . . Us Weekly.
Correct. I purchased Us Weekly. Got suckered right into catching up on my Angelina vs. Jen news. After three days in a new city, I felt a bit out of touch with "reality." After all, one of the papers out here used Bradgelina in a headline instead of Brangelina. I mean, honestly. C'mon now.
So I bought the magazine and returned to my seat near the gate. Once I summoned the courage to read it in public, I decided to keep track of my thoughts as I read the celebrity gossip bible. Here goes:
Page 4 -- I really hate Tom Brady. The Patriots quarterback who always manages to beat the Jets and then win Super Bowls is dating Bridget Moynahan, who is pictured looking pretty fly on this page. He's a real jerk, ain't he? (Friday afternoon update: The two split up, most likely because of this blog.)
Page 13 -- Carrie Underwood lost 15 to 20 pounds. Oh my, this is big news! Wait, this is big news? Just let her sing.
Page 16 -- 65 percent of those polled sayd they would no longer watch "Project Runway" if the rumors of Tim Gunn not returning to the show for Season Four prove to be true. I concur! Bravo can't make it work without Tim Gunn.
Page 28 -- I now officially hate myself for purchasing this magazine. In the Hot Pics section, there's a snap of Britney Spears on a date hooking up with music producer Jonathan "J.R." Rotem. The caption says they went to a movie, had some food, took a smoke break and hooked up on the patio. Has life come to such pittance as to make this stuff worthy of a full page? Alas, I must soldier onward in this endeavor of reading the gossip bible because I want to fully justify the $3.49 cover price as a business expense and tax writeoff.
Page 32 -- Whoa, Neve Campbell is still alive?
Page 38 -- More Hot Pics! On the "Stars - They're just like Us!" page, Denzel Washington rocks the sweatsuit in Paris. Three observations: 1) The sweatshirt and the sweatpants match; 2) It didn't come from Wal-Mart, Target or Modell's; 3) It likely doesn't say "Juicy" across his ass. See, the stars really are just like us.
Page 63 -- Alyssa Milano turns 34 on Dec. 19. I should send her a card. She was hot at 12, still hot at 34. Damn, that's cool.
Page 63 -- Ali Lohan turns 13 on Dec. 22. It would appear that right here on page 63 of the Dec. 25, 2006 issue of Us Weekly, Lil' Lohan was stripped of any childhood innocence she had. The girl is 13, has a famous sister and a holiday CD. She also has Social Studies homework. Then again, how long until she shows up on YouTube videos outside Hyde with Jamie-Lynn Spears.
Pages 64-68 -- Real life sucks for Jennifer Aniston lately. I feel bad for her. Breakups chug. Breakups involving a younger piece of patoot spread across every form of media every day chugs more.
Page 67 -- Um, ok, this is a bit over the top I think. There's a pic of Angelina walking in one direction with Brad grabbing her arm as he heads in the other direction. Us Weekly dialed up someone they called a body language pro who said, "Brad is trying to pull her close, yet Angelina is strikingly defiant." Yeah, or maybe it was just some photographer's camera catching a 0.1-second moment of life. Or, maybe Angelina farted and didn't want to deal with the stench. It happens. Even hot chicks let 'em rip.
Page 76 -- What the heck is the phrase "potential employer" doing in a story about Nicole Richie? How many more pages do I have left in this thing?
Page 78-79 -- If I were a celeb, I'd never send another email again. Not after reading what Us Weekly did to my girl Lindsay Lohan. They dissected the email she supposedly sent to friends about saving the world and fighting back against the media. Then they crucified her. Poor girl. No way she sent that email.
Page 86 -- Joey Delicious was right. Eddie Murphy's mustache deserves a lifetime achievement award.
Page 91 -- Awww, yeah, the "How Hollywood Throws a Holiday Party" section. Great. Now us losers in Long Island, Charlotte, Akron, Buffalo, Ft. Worth, Indianapolis, Des Moines, Pensacola, Cheyenne and Flagstaff can glam it up and serve a Pink Panty Drop a la Kelly Clarkson, then tell guests, "Hey, Iowans, this is how they do it in Hollywood!" (By the way, if you're pouring, you'll want 1 oz. Stoli Razberi vodka, 2 oz. raspberry-flavored Focus Vitamin Water, 3 oz. Sprite.)
Page 92 -- This is the second time I've seen a pic of Angie Harmon in this mag. One more pic and I'm starting an "Us Week-ly!" chant in the terminal.
Page 96 -- What the heck is Al Gore doing in a celebrity glossy? I don't even want to know.
Page 100 -- OK, it's killing me. I gotta know what the heck Al Gore is doing in a celebrity glossy?
Page 96 -- Ah, Big Al is part of a "Holiday Gifts That Give Back" feature. If you buy his "An Inconvenient Truth" DVD, part of the proceeds go to help the cause at climatecrisis.org. I'll just burn Lindsay's copy of it.
Page 103 -- This is the second time I've seen a pic of Ellen Pompeo in this mag. One more pic and I'm starting an "Us Week-ly!" chant in the terminal.
Page 113 -- Hey, a bit of legit info! Eddie Murphy will bring his mustache and experiences to Inside the Actors Studio on Monday Dec. 18 at 7 p.m. on Bravo. Set your TiVos. You never know what his mustache will say. Plus, he's Eddie Murphy. (Note: "Beverly Hills Cop 4" is supposedly in the planning stages. "The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2" Is supposedly not in the planning stages.)
Pages 122-123 -- "When Bad Clothes Happen to Good People" is a brilliant section that leaves me with two thoughts: 1) I may need to subscribe to this mag simply because of this section; 2) I'm glad the paparazzi stopped following me.
Gonna fly now.
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