Pet Rock: The Pop Culture Blog

While the NCAA tournament has its Final Four full of No. 1 seeds for the first time in its history, Sitcom Madness will not experience a similar fate.

After teetering on the edge in the first two rounds, The Cosby Show finally fell victim to the madness, losing out to No. 4 The Simpsons in the Hillman College bracket.

In the Fun Bobby bracket, No. 3 The Honeymooners figured out how to stop the juggernaut that was No. 2 Cheers. Cheers trailed by 10 votes on Saturday afternoon, but then Sam "Mayday" Malone entered the game and The Honeymooners teed off and won by 105 votes.

As for the rest of the brackets, chalk, chalk and chalk.

The Voting Schedule

Elite Eight: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 31 to noon April 3.
Final Four: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. April 3 to noon April 7.
Championship: Poll open from 12:15 p.m. April 7 to noon April 9.

We'll announce the big winner and celebrate at 12:30 p.m.

Rihanna photos

Unfortunately for me (though probably just the way she'd want it), it had nothing to do with the sweet smell of an Island breakfast, an enticing Barbados accent or hogging the covers, and everything to do with my iPod alarm clock.

The song that did the waking up was her latest smash hit that gets stuck in your head and can't leave for at least three months, "Please Don't Stop the Music." (watch video below)

But we're not here to debate whether the song is good or not. If you like Rihanna, you'll like the song. If you don't, you won't. That's fine.

We're here to discuss the "Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coo sa" lyrics taken from Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Something."

Is that legal? Not in the actual legal sense of the word, but in the court of public opinion?

Sure, it's catchy, which explains why that MJ song is among his best ever, which explains why it should never be recycled by artists.

Certain things should remain untouchable in the pantheon of pop culture. You won't catch anyone remaking "The Godfather" or even "The Pope of Greenwich Village." There will never be another "Seinfeld." No one should ever be allowed to get sample clearance for the intro guitar riff to "Sweet Child of Mine."

It's like when The Three Stooges used Curley Joe as a substitute for Curly. It just wasn't right.

To be clear, we love the song, we're just saying maybe use a different sample next time.

OK, folks, now the maddening part of Sitcom Madness really comes into play. We're down to the Sweet 16 in our tournament to determine the greatest television sitcom of all-time.

The chalk made it through the second round for the most part, with only No. 6 The Wonder Years pulling off a big upset over No. 3 The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Again, top-seeded The Cosby Show struggled to advance in the Hillman College bracket, needing a buzzer-beater to beat No. 8 Gilligan's Island by 20 votes.

The Voting Schedule

Sweet Sixteen: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 27 to noon March 31.
Elite Eight: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 31 to noon April 3.
Final Four: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. April 3 to noon April 7.
Championship: Poll open from 12:15 p.m. April 7 to noon April 9.

We'll announce the big winner and celebrate at 12:30 p.m.

The Voting Booth

With only 16 shows left and eight "games" total to be played in the regional semifinals, we made it easier for you to vote and put all the battles into one poll. So start voting now in the Sweet 16 round of Sitcom Madness!

Demi Moore made the rounds on the talk shows this week to promote her new movie "Flawless" and to remind us all that she's still quite fly.

It also calls to mind how awesome her voice is. Seriously, think about this: If she were calling you every derisive name imaginable, with her sexy voice, would you really care if she meant it? I think not.

Using that theory, Top 5 Thursday salutes the sexiest famous female voices. We're dealing strictly with voices here, not anything else, so in some instances you may have to divorce yourself of any preconceived notions about the person or persons included.

It's strictly a list of female voices we want to hear talk to us about whatever they want. There may be some other nice voices out there to listen to, but these five will drive you mad -- in the best way possible. They could praise George W. Bush or read from an advanced microeconomics textbook and we'd listen to every word.

5) Mariah Carey: Mimi has one of the most powerful singing voices ever, but we'd rather hear her talk and that is absolutely not a pot shot at the No. 1 selling female artist of all-time.

• See more Mariah Carey photos

4) Angie Martinez: If you ever listened to Hot 97 in the afternoon for more than a day, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And remember a bunch of years ago when she took a leave from the airwaves to have a child, how happy were you when she returned? I flipped the switch to Power 105 a while ago, but if I'm in the car between 3-7 p.m., I'm clicking to FM 2 on car radio presets for a little Angie Martinez.

3) Angie Harmon: Was there a sadder day than when you found out she was leaving "Law & Order" and your weekly dose of that intoxicating Texas voice would be moved to the random rerun on TNT?

2) Lindsay Lohan: How does a Long Island gal avoid the Long Island accent and develop that raspy voice? Who cares how, just keep talking.
• See more Lindsay Lohan photos

1) Demi Moore: The queen of sexy voices. Damn you, Ashton Kutcher!

- Mark La Monica

Obama Girl returns to ask Hillary to stop attacking her man.

See that pic over there on the left side of this blog, the one that identifies Adam Abramson?

Yeah, well, he won't look like that in about 12 minutes after I get done with him. That freakin' little punk just Rick Roll'd me!

For those unaware of Rick Rolling, it's an Internet phenomenon where you send someone a link that indicates one thing, but points you to Rick Astley's video for "Never Gonna Give You Up."

You believe that? My colleague. My friend. My fellow Pet Rocker. Please, my dear readers, email adam.abramson@newsday.com and let's teach this young Fredo Corleone wannabe know that you just can't do that to people.

Web Scout, a blog by the LA Times, talked to Rick Astley about this Rick Rolling phenomenon. I promise this link takes you to the actual interview.

Ever since Writer friend Kimberley suggested we add Def Leppard's "Rocket" to our YouTube playlist last Friday, we've been on a huuuuuuuuge '80s pop rock music kick.

And no '80s pop rock music kick is complete without the Journey anthem "Don't Stop Believing."

I challenge all those enjoying Old School Tuesday today to not be in a better mood after watching this live performance. It's impossible. Just look at those '80s haircuts and tanktops!

- Mark La Monica

For all those ladies who can't wait to see this movie (and for all the fellas who want to know what they're in for this summer).

Thoughts as they fly into my mind and onto the Internet while I watch the season premiere of "The Hills."

* French accents sound so fake, don't they? (except for the girl in "Better Off Dead.")

* Here's the advice Heidi's mom, Darlene, needs to tell her daughter: "Look, Heidi, I watch your little TV show. Spencer is a (insert preferred curse word here)-bag. Dump him and dump him fast."

* Spencer flies to Colorado, the land of snow, and brings gel as his only headgear. Smart move.

* Heidi's dad, Tim, rules! Here's his quote when Spencer rolls into their driveway: "What the heck? What are you doing here?" Awesome!

* Throw him out, Heidi! Throw him out!

* Whitney gets better looking by the episode. I'm just saying.

* I'm liking the in-show soundtrack info. Nice new feature this season.

* Making fun of people in other languages is never a bad thing. Nice work, LC.

* Oh, there's no way this ball gown altering is going to pan out.

* Go Heidi go! She's turning into Heather Locklear on "Melrose Place." Please keep this going, Heidi. Seriously. I promise to watch your music video til the end again.

* That's one grumpy French musician.

* CORRECTION: That's one creepy stalker French musician.

* Wearing the ball gown dress the night before the ball and it gets messed up? Gee, no one saw that coming. Not sure it gets more obvious than that. This didn't do much to help support the notion that this show isn't scripted. I bet a show producer snuck into the room and put that curling iron on the dress.

* Nice cycle, Frenchy. Did you take that from Sweetchuck's garage from the "Police Academy" series?

- Mark La Monica

Britney Spears photos

Here's the official Pet Rock stance on the matter: Britney Spears was looking mad fly on the show. We're talking "Crossroads" hot. MTV VMAs hot. I'm just saying.

See clips from the Britney Show cameos here and more here.

- Mark La Monica

Oh those pesky 12 seeds!

Three 12 seeds advanced to the second round of Sitcom Madness, a stunning development. Usually one or two make it through, but not three. This speaks to the volume of love we have for our television shows, or a poor job of seeding by the selection committee, but we prefer the former.

See the updated bracket below with final first-round vote tallies. The Cosby Show was the only top seed not to reach four digits. And the Art Vandelay bracket is all whacked out. Crazy stuff.

The polls are open for the second round so get to voting.

The Voting Schedule

Second round: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 24 to noon March 27.
Sweet Sixteen: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 27 to noon March 31.
Elite Eight: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 31 to noon April 3.
Final Four: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. April 3 to noon April 7.
Championship: Poll open from 12:15 p.m. April 7 to noon April 9.

We'll announce the big winner and celebrate at 12:30 p.m.

The Voting Booth

• Vote: The Art Vandelay Bracket
• Vote: The Hillman College Bracket
• Vote: The 4077th Bracket
• Vote: The Fun Bobby Bracket

This one is for all those who have been and/or are being raised to feel bootylicious while they loosen up their buttons.

Our friends at the LA Times -- OK, we don't know anyone over there but we're owned (at least for now) by the same parent company, put together this pretty cool photo gallery that chronicles girl groups in music. It illustrates how we've gone from this:

to this:

It's an interesting photo essay, so click on the pic below of Destiny's Child and enjoy the chronological ride through musical history.

The evolution of girl groups

In what is sure to be the most talked-about TV cameo next week, here are two short clips of Britney Spears on "How I Met Your Mother." The show airs Monday, March 24 at 8 p.m. on CBS.

And if you need more of a Britney fix today, click into our Britney Spears section.

Ain't no drama like boy-girl drama on "The Hills" because boy-girl drama on "The Hills" don't stop.

You know you're fired up for the new season, so don't even front like you haven't already set your DVRs and TiVos to record all the new episodes, beginning March 24 at 10 p.m. on MTV.

Below is a sample clip of the latest (at least in terms of episodes shown on TV) LC-Brody drama.

This is hilarious, and in the spirit of March Madness, perfect for this week's edition of YouTube Friday.

- Mark La Monica

Pet Rock, like the rest of you, grew up watching television and continues to do so in our slightly later years.

So when Big Bank Hank suggested we do a 64-show tournament to determine television's best sitcom, the only question was "How the heck do we narrow down the field?"

Well, the bubble burst on about 25 shows, but such is life. This is Sitcom Madness, where there's no mercy for the marginally funny shows. Bring the funny or get off the air.

We know we've angered some folks with our field of 64, but again, such is life when you attempt these massive tournaments. Unlike the real March Madness, there's no consolation NIT tournament for TV shows. We call that "Canceled because of low ratings." The field of 64 considered all 30-minute sitcoms from across all eras. We go all the way back to "The Honeymooners" and stay current with "How I Met Your Mother."

You may be partial to the shows you grew up watching, which is fine with us. But the beauty of Sitcom Madness is that people of all ages grew up watching TV shows, including people right now who see "30 Rock" and "Entourage" as the best television can offer. Embrace all walks of life, we say here at Pet Rock.

Here's how Sitcom Madness works: We've got 64 shows and one giant bracket, just like the NCAA March Madness tournament. In each round of Sitcom Madness, you'll have a few days to vote as many times as you like for your favorite show. Pretty basic stuff. The real excitement here is seeing which shows advance. There are some extremely tough battles in the first round.

The four brackets are named after random characters, concepts and/or recurring themes from the bracket's No. 1 seed. Here's the breakdown:

Seinfeld is the No. 1 seed in the Art Vandelay bracket.
The Cosby Show is the No. 1 seed in the Hillman College bracket.
M*A*S*H* is the No. 1 seed in the 4077th bracket
Friends is the No. 1 seed in the Fun Bobby bracket.

The Voting Schedule

First round: Polls close at noon Monday, March 24.
Second round: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 24 to noon March 27.
Sweet Sixteen: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 27 to noon March 31.
Elite Eight: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. March 31 to noon April 3.
Final Four: Polls open from 12:15 p.m. April 3 to noon April 7.
Championship: Poll open from 12:15 p.m. April 7 to noon April 9.

We'll announce the big winner and celebrate at 12:30 p.m.

The Voting Booth

• Vote: The Art Vandelay Bracket
• Vote: The Hillman College Bracket
• Vote: The 4077th Bracket
• Vote: The Fun Bobby Bracket

We're never afraid to admit our love for "The Hills" here in Pet Rock. Great show, great drama, hot ladies, schmucky guys. It's the new recipe for success on television.

And while we spoke of Lauren Conrad last week for making clothes, this week's news bit is about someone else taking off their clothes.

Topless photos have surfaced online of Audrina Patridge, who stars as Audrina Patridge on MTV's highest-rated show ever, just in time for the March 24 premiere of its new season.

We can't in good conscience -- translation: I wan't to keep my job -- post the photos here or link directly to them. However, we can suggest typing her name into the search box onGoogle news. Pet Rock knows at least one person who will thoroughly appreciate the search results.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the next season of "The Hills" (not this one coming up next week.) Will MTV whack her from the show? We hope not.

At least Audrina manned up about it, saying in a statement:

"I took these photos years ago, when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others, and I didn't know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me."

Why do people apologize for doing things? Why are they looked at negatively for these types of things? Pet Rock fully supports free will and people's right to do whatever they want. In today's society, people can do and say what they want, then apologize for it and everything is all good. Why apologize? Say and do what you want. Live your life.

'Dancing With the Stars' made its return this week and we met a whole new crew of C- and D-list celebrities hoping to fox trot and samba their careers out of the trash.

Monday night, the guys took to the dance floor and TV and radio show host Adam Carolla danced his heart out with partner Julianne Hough. Did anyone hear what I heard at the end of their routine? It was Adam allegedly calling Carrie Ann the B-word after getting a poor rating on their dance performance.

What gives? This guy is a professional comedian and that's all he could come up with? I really thought he'd be more clever in his response. Looks like the TV censors missed it as well because I distinctly heard him spew the B-word at her.

Dancing With the Stars photos

On Wednesday's Howard Stern Show, Adam admits saying the B-word. "I said the word b*tch came out of my mouth, but it wasn't directed toward her. It was more like 'aint that a b*tch.'" Click here to watch the video on TMZ.com.

Looks like he's trying to generate buzz for his cheesey new movie "The Hammer." Adam complained in his annoying whiney voice to Howard Stern about how hard it is to juggle hours of dance practice, raise his twins, and do his radio show. Here's his ideal scenario: "What I would like to do is make it through a few weeks, get some publicity for the movie, meet everybody and then after three weeks it's enough," he said.

Good luck Julianne, your partner is a real "winner."

-- Corris Little

Caught a press screening of "The Hammer" starring Adam Carolla last week. It hits theaters this Friday.

Carolla plays a career underachiever who upon turning 40 rekindles his passion for boxing and tries to qualify for the Olympics. If you're thinking this sounds like "Dodgeball" meets "Rocky," you'd be right.

This movie is definitely a step up from his work on "Dancing With the Stars," which got hammered by the judges.

There are some really funny scenes with great dialogue, as you might expect from the witty, acerbic Carolla. If you're a Carolla fan, Pet Rock wouldn't be mad if you saw it in the theater. If you're not a huge Carolla fan, wait for the DVD.

- Mark La Monica

Find me another country where this chronological order of events can occur:

1) A governor gets busted in a prostitution ring and is forced to resign.

2) The call girl in question becomes an overnight sensation and pop culture phenomenon.

3) Said woman is offered millions of dollars from various skin mags and similar media companies for her photos and/or promotional tour.

So far, this could happen anywhere, right? Here comes the quintessential sign that is wholly an American story.

4) "Girls Gone Wild," one of the aforementioned skin media companies, is in talks to land a $1 million deal with Ashley Alexandra Dupre when someone in a meeting possesses the necessary brainwaves to contrive this thought and blurt it out to the group: Did anyone think to check our archives to see if she's already gone wild?

Wow! Such depravity of mind. Such belief in their product and corporate mission. Admirable on many levels. Dirty on many levels. Only in America!

See more Reasons to love America.

- Mark La Monica

P.S. Do not interpret this as ridiculing Ashley. Plenty of other places have been and will continue to do such. Let them have their day. Pet Rock just salutes the ingenius thinking of that person in that meeting.

Few figures in pop culture these days are as polarizing as Ryan Seacrest. People either love or hate the new king of cross media.

Regardless of where you are in the debate, he is a multi-platform media mogul. From hosting duties on "American Idol" and "E! News Daily" to his work on the red carpet for E! at the big awards shows, from his executive producer role on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (Kim Kardashian is smokin' hot; I'm just saying) to his radio show on KIIS-FM in Los Angeles. Seacrest cashes checks the way people drink coffee in the morning.

After watching 12 minutes of "American Idol" on Tuesday night (bringing my grand total to 14 minutes in seven seasons), I've got a new theory on Mr. Seacrest. He may appear schmoey on TV to some people, but I believe that when he's just hanging out without a camera or microphone nearby, he hammers everyone he acts nice to when on the air. My guess is that if you're partying with him at a bar and the gloves are down, it's a free-for-all of derision and making fun of people.

To be clear, I've never met him. Nor do I have any knowledge to base this on. It's just a theory.

- Mark La Monica

Really, what’s the difference between a movie that gets two stars and one that gets two-and-a-half stars? Is that extra half-star going to force you off the couch and into a theater seat?

We doubt it.

Movie trailers are accessible on hundreds of Web sites, as is the ability for readers to rate and review movies. By the time a movie review runs in the newspaper on opening weekend, there has already been tons of information digested online. The question we pose is whether or not the four-star rating system is still valid for readers, regardless of medium.

With sites such as rottentomatoes.com which aggregates movie reviews from across the country, a reader can read dozens of reviews on each movie. Google and other search engines provide a similar service.

So how is a reader to really know how good a movie is when a New York newspaper gives it three stars, a Florida paper gives it two stars, a Texas paper two-and-a-half stars and a California paper gives it one star? Does a reader trust its local reviewer or the one closest to Hollywood and presumably more plugged in to the industry?

Instead of stars, what if movie reviews advised people on what they should do for each movie? It would certainly increase the utility of movie reviews. The guess here is that traditional media outlets will never do this. Magazines such as Entertainment Weekly use a grading system, but again, what’s the real difference between a B and B+? (In this country, C students can become president of a country and A students can’t even find a job.) But here in Pet Rock, we thrive on challenging the norm.

As such, we present the Pet Rock Movie Rating System. Right now, you may scoff at this idea, but one day in the future, we’ll be looked at brilliant visionaries. We'll base all our movie opinions here using this system, starting Wednesday afternoon with "The Hammer."

See in theaters

Translation: It’s worth spending money, be it yours or someone else’s, to sit in a dark room with strangers and be entertained by the moving pictures on the big screen. It’s up to you whether or not that means a matinee or prime-time showing.

Wait for the DVD

Translation: This movie is worth seeing but don’t rush to a theater to for it. If you can’t make it to a showing during its theatrical run, just add it to your Netflix list or rent it from Blockbuster. There’s no harm in being in this category aside from financial for the studio and production company.

Wait for cable

Translation: A simple push of the REC button on your DVR or TiVo remote is all the effort you should put forth to watch this movie. Basically, if you watch this movie, you won’t be mad at yourself, but if you spend drop any amount of Benjamins besides the cost of electricity in your house, you will be mad at yourself.

Don’t waste your time

Translation: Keep your money in your pocket. Cancel your Netflix account if this movie shows up on their recommendation list. Boycott the cable or broadcast network that airs this thing they called a movie.

- Mark La Monica

I've been searching the Web for the past three weeks for an original Yo! MTV Raps T-shirt to wear on a future episode of my online show ExploreTV.

If anyone knows where to find one, send a link and I'll throw you the requisite shoutout. Here's a little motivation for you, as Old School Tuesday looks backs at the greatest show in MTV history.

There exists in this country a person or persons who receive a paycheck to do the following job:

Putting tables, steel chairs, Kendo sticks, garbage cans, sledgehammers and ladders underneath the ring for potential use on WWE's Monday Night Raw and other pro wrestling shows.

If this person is derelict in his or her duties, you can only imagine the ramifications. What's pro wrestling without foreign objects and steel chairs?

Here's another question: In the occupation field on tax returns, what does this person write? Only in America!

More reasons to love America

- Mark La Monica

Matt Damon said it best in "Rounders" when his character Mike McD quoted old-school poker hero Jack King's book "Confessions of a Winning Poker Player":

"Few players recall big pots they have won -- strange as it seems -- but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career."

So true, Mike, so true. And with the advent of the lipstick camera and premium timeslots on ESPN a few years back, poker took the regular world by storm. We all got to share in people's suck-out wins, crazy bluffs and those outstanding tough beats.

They're a badge of honor among poker players, sort of like old Army buddies comparing scars and wounds. With that in mind, here's my latest tough beat.

Playing in a charity No Limit Hold'em tournament at the Montel Williams MS Foundation Gala at Cipriani's in Manhattan on Thursday night (a wonderful event for a good cause, by the way), I sat with a few pros (including 2006 WSOP Ladies Event champ Mary Jones) and a few regular folks like me.

Kings were flying in my direction on the first hand, and the chips soon followed suit. The next 35 minutes were spent racking up frequent flyer miles to 3-8 Town and Q-4 Land.

Then I finally get a hand worth playing: A-K suited. The blinds were $100-200 and I was down to $1,375 in chips (everyone started with $2,000). Sitting middle position, I raised to $500.

A fella sitting across from me who happened to look exactly like former Gov. Eliot Spitzer without the stress and potential legal headaches raised to $1,000. A handsome bet, indeed.

At this point, I can only fold or raise, just like Mike McD against Teddy KGB. I push all my chips in, calling his $500 and raising it up another $375. We flip 'em and let the people join in watching the race.

He flips . . . a pair of freakin' 3s. Yep, he raised a raise and then called a second raise wth 3-3. That's right, 3-freaking-3. Seriously? Seriously.

At this point, I'm slightly furious that he's slightly ahead, but even more furious that Fake Spitzer played a pair of 3s that strong.

Here comes the flop: J-10-7, including one spade. Now I've got an inside straight draw, a potential flush and two overcards that would send his pair of 3s into the muck pile.

On the turn, a fourth spade falls. Nice. Plenty of outs for me. And a big pot that would help get me to next round and one step closer to the final table and a chance to perhaps play against poker pros Freddie Deeb, Annie Duke and Jamie Gold, not to mention the host of the event, Montel Williams.

I look at the community cards, then my A-K, then those damn 3s which I can hear taunting me. Awaiting the river card, I glance again at my cards, then at Jones' poker bracelet to my right, then at Fake Spitzer in front. The dealer flips over the river card. Oh that's nice, a 9 of hearts. No help for me. There goes all my money and a chance to live the dream. But when you lose to Fake Spitzer, at least the card that destroys me is a (Client) 9.

- Mark La Monica

Tucked away 13 miles east of downtown Pittsburgh is the small community of Monroeville.

It's this small, sports-crazed town that produced the greatest 29 seconds in TV commercial history, below.

Note: The fine editors of this commercial made the first 10 seconds of the clip blank, but it's worth the wait.

Where do we begin?

Let's just go in order.

1. Colby Armstrong. His supreme comfort on camera really sets the tone for the auto commercial. Actually, the "right on" almost sounded natural. But it all fell apart when Max Talbot had to blow up his scene. You can literally see Armstrong accessing the part of the brain that controls "acting," and it's painful. However, he saved himself with the almost-casual reference to him being a hockey player. In fact, I was at first worried about buying a car from A&L because I'm not an NHL player. I wasn't sure they would take care of me, but Armstrong was quickly reduced to nothing by his upstaging teammate.
2. Talbot. His eight-second monologue should be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto. The unintentional comedy of Talbot's beatbox is mind blowing. He clearly was trying to be funny, but his attempt was completely superseded by the unintentional comedy of its awkward length and pauses. It's simply brilliant.
3. Sergei Gonchar. It would be hard for Steve-O to maintain the energy that Talbot brings, but Gonchar gives it his all. The bottom line is that all of my insecurities about not being a Pittsburgh Penguin are put to rest with Gonchar's reaffirmation of A&L's service. If anyone can figure out what he says before he tosses the keys, leave a comment.
4. Evgeni Malkin. Great catch by Pittsburgh's Wonder Kid II (Sidney Crosby being the true Wonder Kid). Judging by his reaction to holding a set of keys, I'll guess Malkin has more assists this year (54) than number of times he's driven a car.

The next time I'm passing through Monroeville, and I have passed through it more than once, there will be a 100% chance I'm stopping at A&L, where everyone's a superstar.

--Adam Abramson

You may recall Ashley Alexandra Dupre as "Kristen" the call girl that brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

No doubt Maxim, Playboy and other similar mags will be forking over huge buckets of cash to score the photo shoot all of America wants to see. It certainly will be more lucrative than a few nights with Client 9.

But Pet Rock is not here to talk about all that. Leave that to the newspapers and 492 cable talk shows.

Pet Rock is here to talk about Dupre the budding musician. Her music isn't half bad, if you like dance pop. Give it a listen below. Seriously, it's not bad at all. I could see her hooking up with Diddy or Timbaland or Kanye West, musically speaking, and becoming a big hit. Big enough for people to eventually think of her first as a pop star and second as "Kristen."

See Dupre's store front on Amiestreet.com.

Janet Jackson got sick this week and had to bail on her musical appearance on "Saturday Night Live" this week. That's probably not going to help her album sales for "Discipline," which debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard with a shockingly unexcited 181,000 units sold.

NBC announced Wednesday that Long Island fave Mariah Carey will replace her on this week's show, hosted by Jonah Hill.

Have a looksee at her latest video for "Touch My Body." Can someone please explain to me why she keeps the robe open with some random computer fix-it guy in her home? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about it. Just curious.

- Mark La Monica

We're huuuuuuuge fans of Lauren Conrad here at Pet Rock and we're not ashamed to admit it.

Nor are we alone in our support of LC, what with "The Hills" being the highest rated show ever on MTV. By the way, "The Hills" returns to MTV on March 24.

In the meantime, LC made her Fashion Week debut at Smashbox Studios in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Seeing how we know you love Miss Conrad as much as we do, we put together a little photo gallery for you to enjoy. Click the pic above and have some fun. (Sorry, no Heidi-Spencer pix.)

- Mark La Monica

You remember being a kid playing Memory. I know you do. So, hark back to those days with this little pop culture memory game. Post your time and flip count in the comments section and let's see who's the best.

The Pet Rock office record as of posting this was 40 flips in 38 seconds.

Lifetime finally figured out how to get men to watch (or DVR) its programming without the aid of a significant other forcing the issue.

It's a fairly simple formula, really. Take Alyssa Milano, who more than 20 years into her career is still smoking hot, make her a mobster and then mix in a little Sonny Corleone. Voila! See, fellas, you know you're interested now.

If this was on TNT or TBS or USA or Spike this Saturday night at 9 p.m., you know you'd watch it before going out.

- Mark La Monica

After watching Iggy Pop absolutely murder the music of Madonna at Monday night's Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony, we're left with no choice but to restore the glory to Madonna's name here in Old School Tuesday.

We'll begin with "Vogue," which as big a hit as it was when it came out, it's still a bit underrated in the conversation of Madonna's best songs. We'll follow that up with the video that solidified Madonna as a pop culture icon for all-time, "Like A Virgin."

- Mark La Monica

It's about damn time!

The "Saturday Night Live" Web site on NBC.com has finally joined the Internet age and started making its video clips embeddable and shareable. Now, instead of digging for links on their site and sending them around to your friends, you can just cut and paste some code into your blog.

Just how big a move is this for an entity that was among the best at putting in copyright claims on YouTube? Huge! Huge enough for NBC to run a promo during "SNL" this past weekend. Perhaps there's hope for this network now.

To celebrate, I've embedded three clips below:

1) The Christian Siriano/Project Runway spoof from this past week, the show's funniest from this weekend, played by Amy Poehler.

2) The Sinatra Group, one of Phil Hartman's best skits.

3) Natalie Portman's digital short, among the 3 best ever on "SNL."

The Christian Siriano/Project Runway spoof

The Sinatra Group

Natalie Portman's digital short

That damn Soda Popinski!

It's been 20 years and he's still unbeatable in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! You'd think after this length of time, he'd be a bit out of shape with wimpy noodle arms.

But oh no. He's still a mighty Russian with uppercuts that start at the floor and end at the top of the TV screen, Little Mac's rattled brain caught in the middle.

Thanks to Jitsu friend Jitsu and his keen ability to spend $5 to download the original game to his Wii, I scored the opportunity to conquer my childhood demons.

Isn't this what we dream about? To be older and wiser when we meet our childhood nemesis? To have that "one of these days" when we're at our peak and the sides are equal?

I cruised through the early rounds, laying out Von Kaiser in under a minute and taking Dom Flamenco to the third round just for fun. I even remembered the timing on countering Bald Bull's bull charge (no thanks to Doc Lewis).

Then came Soda Popinski, with his two left hooks, his Russian two-step and quick right jabs and those mighty uppercuts. He smoked me. Again. I felt like I made no progress in life. If there were an Alyssa Milano poster hanging on the wall, I'd have felt 12 years ago again. Sitting on a couch, no closer to personal glory as I see Little Mac sitting on a chair after the fight with Nintendo's game makers taunting me into retirement after losing the rematch.

Damn you, Soda Popinski!

But here's the major difference in life these days. Fueled by 20 years of anger and embarassment about rarely being able to beat the almighty Russian, I went on YouTube and typed in "Soda Popinski." I found a tutorial on how to use a glitch against Popinski.

Now we'll see what happens in our next fight. Bring back the Cold War, this Russian is going down!

- Mark La Monica

"Risk" is back.

The game is actually 51 years old, but I'm calling for a resurgence.

Why?

Well, how many board games are about global domination?

And the Newman-Kramer battle, as featured in this week's edition of YouTube Friday, is unforgettable.

I rest my case.

I rediscovered "Risk" because a few of my college friends who live afar have been playing the actual board game and gloating about it on our listserv. Frankly, it made me jealous.

So I did a little Googling...

If you have Facebook, you can install the "Attack!" application here. I've played this version. It's awesome. I'm currently coordinating battles with said friends and trying to figure out how to get my work firewall to give me access.

No Facebook? There's also Riskattack.com. I have yet to try, but I am sure it's a great way to go.

Now, some of you may be saying, "Wait a minute, 'Risk' never went anywhere for me." If that's the case, you rule.

Just remember: The Ukraine is not a game.

-Adam Abramson

By Adam Abramson

With a recently released sex tape making headlines, Amy Fisher appeared on The Howard Stern Show Thursday morning.

The interview abruptly ended when Stern took a call from Mary Jo Buttafuoco's daughter, Jessica. Fisher said she did not want to talk to the daughter of the woman she shot in the face in 1992, but Stern took the call anyway. It only took one comment from Jessica Buttafuoco for Fisher to walk out of the studio and leave the building Sirius Satellite Radio calls home.

Buttafuoco told Stern she was calling to let Fisher know releasing the tape could have grave impacts on the relationships with her children, but Fisher had already walked out.

Stern admitted he felt weird having Fisher on and predicted she was on for "three minutes," or his "shortest interview ever."

A sex tape featuring Fisher, who notoriously became the "Long Island Lolita," and her husband, Louis Bellera, was sold to a production company last August. Before walking off the show, Fisher admitted she was paid up front but would not give the amount of money received from Red Light District.

Bellera later called in to clear the air. He claimed Stern "blindsided" Fisher by taking the call from Buttafuoco. He said the purpose of the visit was to discuss the tape with Stern and his wife, but