When "Rocky Balboa" hit movie theaters in December 2006, I made sure to get a ticket on that opening Wednesday night (and again two nights later).
I felt I owed it to myself after growing up with Stallone's Rocky character, one of those moral imperatives I suppose. Even after "Rocky V."
I felt the same about "Rambo," the fourth installment of Sly's Vietnam hero turned American mercenary and righter of all the world's wrongs. I didn't make it to opening weekend, though. Had to wait until Monday night.
And now I'd do anything to have waited 60 years to see it. "Rambo" may indeed be the worst movie ever made. (Congrats to John Travolta of "Battlefield Earth" who can now surrender his title to Sly.) It stings to say that. Seriously. I feel like the good guy wrestler who just turned on his tag-team partner and joined the bad guys.
But this "movie" is just plain awful. Painful, even. If I weren't there with Jitsu friend Jitsu, I'd have walked out 30 minutes into the 1:33-long movie. If this movie doesn't earn at least five Razzie nominations next year, then I'm launching a campaign to get the Razzie committee in front of Henry Waxman and the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.
How bad is it? So bad that I will not embed the trailer in this blog. So bad that I apologize to the public for posting the trailer in the past. So bad that I apologize for the Sylvester Stallone trivia quiz I put up on the site last Friday. So bad, I went all "Hollywood Shuffle" and gave the movie the finger when it ended.
The only redeeming quality of "Rambo" is that the female lead, Julie Benz, looks way too much like Journalista friend Lauren that I really thought it was her. And she's a sweet gal, so between the deaths and deathly dialogue, I could at least find some inner peace.
Well, it was either that, or pay attention to all the exploding bodies, unnecessary gore, brutal violence and murdered children.
Maybe that's what it's really like in Burma (Myanmar) these days or in the recent past, I have no clue. Nor do I have an idea of what real combat is like. I'm not pretending that I do.
Nor am I against violence and bloodshed in movies. There's nothing wrong with a good shoot 'em up movie. But "Rambo" was just way too over the top and beyond gratuitous. It was worse than watching bad porn. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
The violence was intense and in your face. The best comparison I can think of is the opening sequence of "Saving Private Ryan" when they storm Normandy Beach.
Even if you're into violence in film, you'll need to check yourself at the door. And don't eat too much beforehand. You might wind up booting all over the seat in front of you when you watch hear bullets pierce through the 100th child's body. The gutting of some bad guys, the ripping out of voiceboxes, the shredding of bodies from mines and bullets don't help matters either. Oh wait, I forgot one thing: the implied sexual assault and gangrape of a few women by a gaggle of Burmese army men.
Keep your money in your pockets this time, folks. And don't even waste any space in your Netflix queue in a few months when this movie becomes available in the summer.
I realize some folks out there may think I should cancel my GQ subscription and return my Y chromosome for bashing "Rambo" like this. And to those folks, I say "Good job wasting $10, schmucko! Smarten' up. "
- Mark La Monica
Comments (20)
Based on your review it sounds like the best movie ever. Fag.
Stick to hockey, Bossy.
I can't believe I haven't read your blog before. Awesomely funny and I'm loving the articulate-ness (something that is increasingly lost). Thanks for saving me the time and money. I also think your quite cute though. (Pardon my absolute dorkiness but it's a New Year's resolution thing) What's the odds your single???
...or perhaps you're a liberal trying to punish Stallone for his support of a conservative? Just a thought
Mark,
No punishment here for conservativism or liberalism. At least not from me. I try to stray away from those types of things, but I do appreciate your thoughts.
I was fired up to see the movie and was mad I didn't get to be part of $18.2 million opening weekend.
Then I saw the movie. It's just not good at all.
- La Monica
Dani,
Glad you found me. Make sure you keep reading. As for the other stuff, email me. I'm just sayin.
LMAO I would have if I was seeing the link...all available brain resources are being used to fuel income producing activities...
I am a big Stallone fan and loved all the Rocky and Rambo movies. I absolutely LOVED this movie as did my 2 sons. What did you expect out of a Rambo movie. Rambo kills all the bad guys in glorious fashion, case closed. Should I look up your great review for 27 Dresses or the new Mathew McConaughey movie?
Nice dig at the end, Gamble17. Well done.
I'm a big Stallone fan, too. To the point where I try to tell people that "Rocky V" isn't as bad as they think.
But you really loved this movie?
Obviously you missed most of the movie...your head being wrapped around your lovers phallus. I guess it seems not so unbelievable that you couldnt keep your food down on this debacle.
Because you said it was the worst is a sure guarantee it will
be a hit.Where do you get off with this type of review. you have quite possible the lamest job around, you watch movies.
Where's the talent or skill? There is none, because your job could be done by 10 monkees sitting at keyboards, and will come up with a better review. You think way to much of yourself, good thing all of America has eyes and ears and can make intelligent choices, unlike you....
RAM-BOO
Terrific Rambo fare!! Don't miss it. Gives closure to the preceding stories.
Maybe those 10 monkeys could teach gmr how to spell.
I agree with this blog post. The movie sucked, way beyond the suckiness levels any of us would have anticipated going into it.
Noman,
What type of closure did we need from the first three Rambos?
To say that Rambo was the worst movie ever made is pure non-sense. It's not even the worst one in the series. Do you consider yourself an actual movie critic? Have you ever heard of "Batman and robin", "From Justin to Kelly", "Glitter", "Kazaam" or even "Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End"? They are some of the worst things ever commited to film. How and why would you make such an outlandish statement? If you were disappointed in Rambo ask yourself why. What were you going in expecting? Wasn't First blood violent for it's time? Were not the sequels just thin plots to justify Sly killing everything in sight and envoking patriotism? Wasn't "Rambo" a larger dose of just that?
Maybe the movie wasn't that bad at all, maybe because you're older now, you just didn't get it.
This all comes from the same guy who doesn't drink beer.
I rest my case.
It was worth every penny of the 1,100 I paid to see it.
Adam,
Stick to college football, punk.
Jon R.,
You make solid points. So solid, you might force me to make a Comment Contest and salute the best of the bunch each week.
And yes, those movies you mentioned were quite awful. I'm not an actual movie critic, nor do I aspire to be such. But this Rambo had absolutely no value. It offered nothing but big explosions.
"But this Rambo had absolutely no value. It offered nothing but big explosions."
And here is your paradox......men would agree that that is what made it great. your trying to find meaning and reality in a rambo movie? I guess newsday is trying to tap into the arena that perez hilton made famous....you know the west hollywood fruitloop that has witty comments without any substance.